December 7, 2006

  • It's time....

    I called the Austin hopsital...its happening...in 4 weeks i will be going into inpatient, dunno how long...but i got 4 weeks...so porbably just after new yrs ill be packing my things...im so fucking scared, i feel like crying.

    i feel like all the other girls there are going to laugh at me when they see me, they will be like "why is SHE here, she is so fat...she cant possibley have a eating disorder...i bet shes here for attention." itll be like my first day at high school...dont know anyone, feel like you're walking on eggshells, say one wrong thing and you're outcasted.

    When i leave i will be bringing a book like i was last time...which i will write in everyday, so when i come back i will post it all here for you all to read.

    as you can tell ive soberd up a bit, my last post was pretty ,morbid...but it was true, very true...just goes to show how close and easily i can breakdown...how emotionlyand physically stressed i am.

    i wonder if you can smoke there? i fucking hope so, ill be stressed enough as it is and without smokes...i may just have to kill someone...or myself but i dout it.

    when ryan came home today, i was fast asleep on my bed...passed out from drinking. he got so fucking angry he actually grabbed my arm and tried to pull me out of bed...but i couldnt move...there is a small bruise forming on my arm. he then shouted, "if i catch you like this one more fucking time you can pack your shit and LEAVE!" i then mumbled a sfot "sorry" and then he shouted, "pull your fucking shit together! i cant talk to you like this, when you're so fucked!!! why cant you just be fucking normal!" then he stomped off and played his guitar.

    and that is why i wrote that poem, i came so close to skulling the whole 2liter bottle of smirnoff it was almost scry...but i held back and called the austin instead. i havent tpld ryan tho...im going to be extra good for the next 3 and a half weeks...im gonna clean like i have OCD, wont drink...be a complate angel to him...and then when theres only 3 days to go i will tell him im leaving for a while...see hoe he reacts. i wonder if hell even miss me whilst im gone...eh, i wouldnt suprised if i came back and he had found someone else.

    but...he doesnt know...that i have a very deep crush on someone...just for some unknown reason...im still very much in love with ryan...

Comments (7)

  • I would not be suprised if your worries about IP are very common. I know it is premature, but good luck with IP. ~V

  • Hey. Ive been reading your xanga for a while now, and Im sorry I haven't commented or anything, but I just thought that I should say good luck for when you leave to go tohat place. I really hope you get better.

    =)

  • Good luck with IP.  I hope that it is a good experience for you.  I doubt that you will be the biggest person there.  You deserve better in your life.  You deserve to be able to be happy.

    Sometimes I think Ryan cares about you.  How he treats you makes me very sad.  He should be more caring toward you.  I know some men just aren't good with dealing with emotions but it does not give them a card to be an asshole.

    I think maybe you should try to tell Ryan sooner.  It will let him know that you are trying to get your act together.

  • Wow. It is happening. I know it will be scary to go to IP but in the end it will be worth it. I think every person with an ed who goes into IP is scared that they'll be the fattest there... truth is, they can't see properly what size they are. Their head tells them lies and tricks them to think they're huge. UR not fat, but I think it will be really good for you to go to IP and work on fixing the mindset of it all. I really hope things get easier, you deserve so much more than this. xoxoxoxo Take care. I'm always here if you need... x

  • Wow. It is happening. I know it will be scary to go to IP but in the end it will be worth it. I think every person with an ed who goes into IP is scared that they'll be the fattest there... truth is, they can't see properly what size they are. Their head tells them lies and tricks them to think they're huge. UR not fat, but I think it will be really good for you to go to IP and work on fixing the mindset of it all. I really hope things get easier, you deserve so much more than this. xoxoxoxo Take care. I'm always here if you need... x

  • oops! Posted it twice, sorry, just delete one... x

  • Aw, honey, I'm so proud of you for going into IP.  That takes a lot of courage.  Be brave when you go in, and let me tell you something: NO ONE is going to think that you don't have an eating disorder, because other wise, you wouldn't be there in the first place. 
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers

    <3

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