February 21, 2007

• It's out...

  Ever since i got out of Austin i knew i wasnt better and a small part of me knew leaving that place how ever awful it was...was a bad bad mistake. I regret it so much and now it seems its gonna be a little harder getting back in. For the last 3 or so weeks I've been wanting to tell Ryan, oma my dad...everyone that hey...im not better, im not doing ok, im not how you think i am. but as all of you that have a ED know....we are very very good at making people believe what we want them to believe...and ive come to relise that not only am i amazingly good at LYING but im also too sneeky for my own good. Faking smiles is easy yet painful, and covering up when i purge as become easier and easier, if i flush the toilet and not all of it went, then i just roll off some toilet paper and cover it so it looks like the toilet didnt flush the toilet paper. After dinner (i hate a large dinner with ryan to show that i am eat), i say, "im going to have a shower now" and we all know what happens in the shower. All i have to do is remove the drain cover, purge and replace it making sure i left nothing on the shower floor.

  But...its gotten out of hand mentally, i can keep pretending but its draining me and making me more and more depressed having to fake myself all the time. for three weeks ive wanted to tell ryan but was scared, wanted to tell dad but was scared hed yell at me and call me a "head case", scared to tell oma just in case shed tell dad. But today as i met my oma to go see the doctor i told her...i said, "I met maria yesterday, she said the Austin has changed alot...i havent gotten better." which then led onto me saying i should go back...i told her everything and she also agreed and would be best for me to go back. So we both told the doctor but because of the way i left (my dad yelling and abusing the doctors) they arnt really going to welcome me back with open arms. So...next monday I'm going to Mernong (Therapist in east ringwood), I'm going to also tell them...but Dr Wong said they would probably give me a "routine" and if i continue to lose weight then i "might" be referrd. so...it all come back down to my weight...even though i now weigh 45.5kgs...about 1.5kgs more then when i got out of Austin in which i have every inention of losing again...i weigh too much to be referrd and am in no great danger of dying...i feel like im back to square one again...were i felt i wasnt ill enough for help and the only way to get back into that shit hole is to lose more weight. V_V'''.

  Ryan also called about 15mins ago, he wanted to me to clean up the couch i used to sleep on as he is giving it away to a mate at work. I told him we needed to "talk"...he asked about what but i didnt wanna say and upset him whilst he worked. So i said i wasnt doing to well and i might have to go back to Austin...he didnt sound too pleased but was happy i told him although upset that i didnt tell him sooner.

  As for my dad...he is pretty much the only one that doesnt know...for a good reason too. this morning my dad picked me up to take me to my omas and on the way to her house he started talking about me getting a job and that if i didnt id end up the way i was "before" and ill end up back in the loony farm (Austin) with all the fuck heads. He also said hed be extremely fucking angry if he had to drive me all the way back there and watch me go through all that shit again. But really...if i cant go back what other place is there? its either that or i slowly die...which would he prefer i wonder? me going through hell to finally get better? or going through my own hell and slowly dying...

  Anyway...again no austin diary update, im kinda guessing not many of you are interested anyway lol. i have to go and clean....sit ups...you know the drill.

  • 11:13 pm
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