February 21, 2007

• Long time no see...

  Today i want be posting a Austin entry...I'll probably continue tomorrow as I have very little time to type.

  Anyway...my bulimia has reached its peak again...for the last couple of days ive been thinking about going back to Austin but i always stop and think, "No...that place is too scary." but then again...what "other" place is there in melbourne?! no where...like sure theres a few outpatient places...but OP will def not work for me...i was actually getting better in Austin...as i didnt have unlinited access to a fridge i couldnt binge...so my b/p cycle was broken, i figure if i was to stay there...i could have been loads better by now...

  about 3 hours ago i went for a walk to mitchem to buy food to replace the food i ate so ryan wouldnt get angry <_<. i was at the crossing light opposite to safeway were i was going to shop when suddenly...i started to think of Maria, Maria was one of the girls in Austin. She weighed about 40kgs, asian, 18yrs, 5'1 and was the only other bulimic besides me...we could relate alot. She lived in Mitchem and i lived one km away from her, she told me she would go to mc donalds just 2 houses away from me to buy her binge food, whilst i would go to safeway about 6 houses away from her to buy my binge food lol...i bet we would of passed each other a few time XD. Anyway...as i enterd Safeway...strangely enough, there she was with her mum! At first i wasnt sure it was her, she looked rather thin, has some tape on the inside of her elbow signifing a blood test, i had forgotten her name and wasnt sure it was her so i sorta hoverd around her to see if she would reconise me lol. After about 10-15 mins of stalking her and passing her she looked at me and was like, "Mekah!!!" and i was like, "Its...you!!" lol. We started talking, she said Austin has changed alot, most of the girls had left after Natasha died...but support programs just for EDs are starting...she asked if i had gotten better...i said, "no...not at all." She told me i should come back and that i was the only person that made her feel safe there.

  So...i dont know...i do want to go back and i dont...but im going fuckin nuts inside...not sure how to explain it, im just so sick to death of doing 1200+ sit ups a day, b/ping 6+ times a day and a new routine consisting of waking up at exactly 2am (i set a silent alarm) just so i can do MORE sit ups in the bathroom...i swear, if i dont get better soon....I'm gonna step out on to a free way and let a truck take my pain away...so it want look like suicide but id be dead in either case....I NEED HELP O_O...and i cant do it alone, i cant do it at my dads, at my omas, in OP...only in IP with a proper support program and counceling....

  So tomorrow ill be seeing my GP and im gonna talk to him about it and ask to reffer me again...

  oh and as for wendys tumor....its actually really bad, its the size of a large grape and is growing on a nerve near her ear. shell be getting it cut out in about a month, they are gonna take fat from her belly and put it in her head to fill the gap when the take the tumor out, there is a risk of her face being paralized, stroke or even death. she also has to give up smoking as that is causeing the tumor to grow...i really hope everything turns out well.

  So, i really would like some comments on wether i should go back to Austin...I'm scared and uncertain, i wanna go but i dont, if i dont ill die or kill myself, if i do im scared to...why wont my head just shut the fuck up and leave me alone for once?

  • 12:01 am
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