February 22, 2007

  • Austin diary

    ~*13th, Saturday, Janurary*~

    Can I be your boyfriend?

    I just had my breakfast, I could only finnish less then half of it, it's a little hard for me today. Then I went outside for a smoke, Scott and Hesan (weirdo guy) was there. As I was walking around Hesan asked me to suck his dick! I said no and was going to tell the nurse but then Scott asked if he could be my boyfriend, I said no and that I'b be seeing my boyfriend today. That almost gave Hesan a heart attack, haha. Then he said he was going to kill him but I don't think so. I'ts only another two hours till Ryan comes to see me! Weee! Haha.
    Just had my morning tea, my disorder would only allow me to have half even though it had only 100 calories in it. I'm still wating for Ryan, he should hopfully be here soon.
    Ryan arrived just when I had my Valium, so I was a bit doped up but it was ok. Then we went outside for a smoke, we both sat down and talked, we both hugged alot and kissed, I felt so happy. Then my lunch time came along and I was given a Xanax! So then I was really out of it. As I ate my lunch Ryan spoke to a nurse to see what was going on with me. As for my lunch I had 4 tiny cheese sandwhiches and a small apple juice, I couldn't finnish the last tiny sandwhich as my disorder wouldn't let me. So then Ryan showed up and we went out for a smoke, both Melony and Micheal which are both skits were fighting. And seeing I was so drugged up I started laughing at it and so Micheal (shes huge and could snap me in half!) started yelling at me and saying she'd kill me! So I went inside and got a nurse, then everything calmed down. Soon enough Ryan had to go as we were both very tired, I might go out for a smoke and then lay down for a bit.
    I just had my afteroon tea, I could only eat half of my yogurt, I'm having alot of trouble with my meals for some reason. I also found out that when I was sleeping before my Oma called but I was too tired to talk so maybe she'll call me later. So anyway, after my afternoon tea I went out for a smoke (which I'm about to do, hopfully fat ass Micheal wont be there) and then I made myself a black coffee (no lite milk again) and then I was going to use the computer but Amanda was there. So i sat down with my coffee till I got a phone call from my Dad. He said he spoke to Ryan, Ryan was blown away by this place, haha. Anyway, he is going to visit me tomorrow and he's bringing Marnah! Dad also got me alot of stuff to keep me busy. Can't wait to see Marnah, I havn't seen her in ages! I also have to give my Dad my centrelink notice as it is due next Tuesday, hope I don't forget! We'll I'm off to have my millionth smoke.
    I just had my dinner, I couldn't finnish it all and I still ate too slow, there was; one slice of bread, 2 servings og veggies and a large veggie quish. I only ate the slice of bread, half my veggies and less then half my quish, I'm not feeling too well...I feel gross. After dinner I had a smoke and then paced around a bit, I was then going to have a coffee but the coffee stand was closed, so I'll have to wait till after my supper. I was also going to go onto the computer but Amanda was there again, so I just sat down and waited whilst playing with my Tamagotchi. Right now I'm going to have a smoke (I'm gonna get lung cancer soon lol) and then laze around in the lounge or have a nap.
    Alot of shit just went down with my supper, the doctor didn't give me any Valium or Xanax so I ended up crying, I was too scared to eat it all even though it was just 4 crackers and a slice of cheese. I only ate half the cheese and four crackers till I cried and went outside. I ended up cutting my left arm with a safty pin that I had on my jacket (nurse missed those) and also wrist banged my right wrist so now there is going to be a huge bruise. I was going to call my Dad but the phone was busy so I went onto MSN and chatted to Ryan, he made me feel alot better. Well it's almost 12am so I'm going to ask for a sleeping pill as theres no way I can sleep I'm not having a shower tonight, my mind says I don't deserve to be clean on the outside as I'm too dirty on the inside. Hopfully when my Dad and Marnah visit I'll cheer up a bit more.
    Back, just for a bit. I asked the nurse for a sleeping pill as I'm way too stressed to sleep and she gave me a Valium. So "now" I get the Valium which I really needed before and now all the damage has been done! I also measured my thighs before. A week ago they were 19" round and now they are 18.5", so maybe I've lost weight or maybe its just all toned up from the pacing. Well I'm off to bed now, I got to get my arm wamrers back off Natasha for when Marnah and dad visits tomorrow, don't want them to see the "damage".

    That night was probably one of the most stressful. I scratched "fat" into my arm and slammed my wrist on a metal bench outside...it got all swollen and was purpleish blue for about 4 days. I felt like, no matter how hard i tried to eat my meals I just couldnt do it and all i could do was cry...it was more then frustrating, it was depressing and emotionally draining...I felt like such a weakling and could only gather up enough energy to cry like a helpless baby! -_-'''. I didnt get it at all, at home I binged all the time and never cried over a cracker...but in there my ED was turned up on full blast and even the littlest of things made me wanna die right then and there. But despite all that...i was getting a tiny bit better everyday...even though i couldnt see it at the time.