March 7, 2007

  • What a long day....

    Well i just got home, done alot today and so im very tired.

    Anyway, i went to see Dr Wong today...got weighed...i have lost weights, also got a blood test. Dr Wong sounded angry today...he asked me, "Why do you want to kill yourself?!" I told him i didnt but he replied, "But what you're doing is slowly killing yourself!" Then he went on about that i should have small meals and not throw up and so on and so on...i just bluntly nodded my head as though i gave a shit but really...he has no idea how hard it is. So he told me i'm on a waiting list to go back into Austin. So im 100% sure im going back...i have to wait 2-3 weeks...i already feel really scared...more scared then the first time i was going in. I have all the same thoughts as last time "I'm gonna be laughed at" "Im going to be the fattest" "Im gonna come out a obese cow!" and already im plotting way on how im gonna sneek past the nurses, back to my room and purge then exercise like last time. what if they are more stricted and actually watch me this time? But what scares me more is...Dr Wong told me if i lose just 2 more kilos...he gonna have me tube fed...i wouldnt even be 40kgs! like i though people get tube fed when their bmi sits in the low 13s...mine how ever is hanging on to the low 16s....i dont even look ill...well i dont think i do. I asked marnah "do i look ill thin? or just normal thin?" she looked at me as though i was insane...she said, "Mekah...you're a stick...your arms are as thin as my wrists, your collar bones show like anything...you look like you're going to die." then i looked at her with a confused look...everyone in my family thinks im going to die...i dont look that thin, i dont look like death warmed up! or do i? i have no idea anymore...when i look in the mirror even though ive lost weight i just see extreme weight GAIN...were am i losing it from if i look so much bigger?

    as for my exercise...its increased to a level that even amazes me...at the end of the day i count up how many sit ups ive done...2000+, im also skipping alot...500+ skips all at once...and then i wounder why i feel so sore. every muscle in my body aches, every bone clicks and cracks when i walk...im just in constint pain.

    ryan is really upset too, he doesnt want me to go...he says if i go itll put an extreme amount of stress on our relationship...but at this point...i dont really care, i dont know why though...i guess if my disorder stresses him so much then maybe hell be happier with someone "better?"...someone that has a job, is normal...has a life and doesnt lock herself up in her home all day cause shes so fucking scared of be stalked, raped, killed and then left in some gutter for the worms to eat! but....thats a different story...lol.

    well im gonna go, the house is screaming to be cleaned and my body is screaming for more exercise...or my mind is screaming...i dunno...im so confused all the time...i cant tell if my mind is controlling me or i am or what...maybe its due to dehydration...water...weight gain....evil...no water....no wait gain....ill die...water, yes need water, but weight gain is evil...O_O....see what i mean?

Comments (4)

  • {{{{{hugs}}}}}

    you are very thin Mekah.  You do not need to get to the point of emaciation to die from this disorder.  You deserve more than death.  You deserve to live.  Your fear of being raped has everything to do with this and you know it.  It really isn't another story.  It's the thing that you do not want to deal with.  It is the thing that allows your ED to have such a strong hold on you. 

    Ryan will be Ok.  He will be able to handle this.  He needs to do his part to keep the relationship together.  You are doing yours by trying to get healthy.

  • girl, read over ur own words pls... ppl are GIVING u the answers 2 the questions u'r asking! but ur not listening at all...

    ur stick thin... now the amount of weight u'r losing... it's sickening! just listen 2 every1 around u.... they do actually know u better then u think. really...

    it always seems like u'r on yo-yo... a month u'r doing so well, next, u'r on the edge of collapsing again....

    i really hate seeing this... just wish u can take care more girl.

  • If you're going to hide food, purge and exercise.. what's the point in going? I know ur scared to gain, but the whole point of going to austin is to learn to eat again and be ok with it, to learn to be ok with yourself, to change your thinking patterns and challenge the fears you have etc. You need to trust in people there. You need to TRY. You can get better mekah. Things will never get better though if YOU don't try and change things. No one else can do it for you. I wish they could, but they can't. If ryan really loves you, he will support you.

    And you know the reason you don't see yourself as sick is because when ur at a low weight like you are, your perception is so distorted, you have no idea what others see. I hope things start to get better once you go back to austin. YOu deserve a better life than this. xo

  • oh dear plis take care,ones get to a point when we cant see the way we really are :( so sad...wannabe healthy and happy again but that shit on my mind keeps telling me "lose weight fat cow!"

    love
    xxxxxxxxxxxx

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