April 17, 2007

  • going downhill

    hey ppl, long time no update.

    i wish i could start off with saying, "im doing great!" cause the truth is im not, far from it...ill start off with my bday.

    at about 2am 10th tuesday morning i was awoken by some nurses and then quickly had to pack to be rushed into the main austin hospital. my potassium was so low, i should be dead right now. i spent my 20th bday hoocked up to a drip...and i stayed on that drip for 3 days...they pumped 4 liters of acid burning potassium into me. i gained rocuhly 3kgs from it...but im pretty sure its all gone seeing it was just water weight.

    Ryan also called me the night i was admitted into the main hospital...a bit late...im with peter now, but i have yet to tell him. peter was discharged from the acute ward the day i came back...he visits me nearly every night and we have both arranged for me to live with him when i get out...ill be living with him until im accepted into a rehab unit. it not that i dont want to live with peter...it just i need to start to learn how to live on my own, all my life i have lived were i depended on someone else and so i need help, for me if i was to move into my own place itll be like putting an 8yr old into a house...i have no living skills!

    ive been trying my hardest not to purge but its been hard, very hard. i have a blood test coming up tomorrow or this afternoon...hoping tomorrow seeing ive stocked up on potassium pills. my doctor gave me a form to sign saying if my potassium goes down again ill have to sit in a wheelchair for a week! so im PRAYING that when my blood test results come back itll be all good!

    ive got to say for the last couple of days ive felt..."good"...until my dad called this afternoon and lectured me saying i have to stop be so stupid and just eat, gain weight and get better...he said it like its just SO FUCKING easy to just wake up and be better...and then Wendy started saying in the background, "shes draining me! shes so draining!" and then went on about how SHES so ill and how HER tumor is effecting her so badly...its like everytime she calls its just about her and her fucking tumor...dad called ME to talk about ME...not to argue to wendy whilst i stand on the outside and listen...so i hung up on him, went to my room and sliced up my arm.

    i told a nurse i also purged...i wish i didnt...but i did...i feel so fucking...ARGH...i dont know what i feel anymore. my dad said hes starting to get very  angry...i felt like screaming, "Well im so fucking sorry that im a mental fuck up! and im so fucking sorry that i cant just click my fingers and be better!" but no, i said nothing like i always do and hung up.

     

    im so fucking sick of needles, pills and hospitals!! -_-...rant over...hopfully next update will be a little..happier.

Comments (3)

  • Wow. You're with peter now? What about all your things at ryan's? How long have you lived with ryan for? This is a bit sudden. I guess if it's what you need though, it's a good thing?

    Plz don't worry about your dad and his attitude etc. I know it's hard, but you need to forget about him and worry about getting yourself better. Your dad is just angry because he doesn't understand this. My mum and my family were really angry when I was in hospital cause they didn't understand what was going on. Some ppl just can't unless they've lived through it. Don't let his shit get to you ok. You are worth fighting for.

    *hugs* xoxoxo

  • hey mekah!!
    it's sooo good to hear from you!!

    sorry that wendy and your dad are getting to you! I don't understand how they can be so insensitive, it's not like they're the only one's going thru shit...

    *hugs*

    Hope your potassium levels are ok!

  • *hugs hugs and more hugs*
    i know how you feel sweetie. when i was in recovery and slipped up my mom got so mad at me for being "stupid and insensitive to her needs". but when really all i wanted was someone to support me and let me do what i wanted. i hated people telling me i needed to gain weight and that i needed to start caring about other people.

    you're not fucked up sweetie, the rest of the world is. don't let your dad and wendy get you down. just think of how much better you'll feel, when you've recovered for yourself and not for them. this is something you have to do all on your own, when you're ready. nobody can choose when you get better, just like nobody can choose how you live your life... only you can.

    and as for ryan, screw him if he only calls when things are bad. peter sounds like a great guy who will look out for you when no one else does. you need to be with whoever makes you happy and not the other way around. take some mekah time, girl, you deserve to be happy!

    i love you and take good care of yourself. hope to read another update soon!
    you're in my thoughts and prayers sweetie, i miss you!
    xoxo -Sam

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