April 18, 2007

  • suicidal

    yesterday was just awful...im still so hurt, so cut by the conversation i had with my dad...i kept telling the nurse that i wanted to die but they all seemed too busy to care. i cut again and again and again...until i ran up to a nurse and told her, "im gonna go die now." i walked to my room and was moments away from downing a whole bottle of nail polish remover...but i stopped when i heard a knock on the door. i had to sign a form, it ws for me to go into HDU  (high dependencey unit). it was fucking bad in there, the court yard was about 10 meters by 5 meters, all concrete. tiny lounge room and a nurse supervised me non-stop. i hardly ate any of my meals, i was in there from about 10am to 11pm...im supposed to go back in there today but i can deny going in...

    good thing is, peter called at least 5 times checking up on me, he tried to visit but was sent away cuz its "hospital policey"...fucking bullshit -_-.

    i got weighed today too, 48.9kgs...X_X...i feel like dying, i feel so bloated ;_;. but im trying, oh god am i trying not to cut and purge...its so tempting.

    oh and before i forget, my doctor is reffering me to a rehab unit called Narana...its like a bunch of flats were a nurse comes in everyday and talks to you, the place also has group outings, music therapy, writting corses and painting therapy...they also teach you how to live on your own...

    why do i have a feeling ive already posted this? lol sorry if i did...my meds do that.

    anyway, as i was in HDU Bronwen (phycho bitch that everyone hates) tried to hurt sara (other ED girl), she grabbed her by her hand digging her nails in and told her to come with her or shed inject her with a needle!! so wish i was there, would of fucking smashed her face in. but a guy that visited named Damien pulled sara away, then Bronwen went skitz and kicked a window in...she was then sent to isolation...LOL.

    well im gonna go...im gonna give my nail polish remover to a nurse too...im scaring myself, my mind keeps saying, "just drink it, itll make everything better." T_T...i hate my mind so much, why cant it just fuck off and die already.

    ill try my best to update later...and thanks for the comments! sorry if i dont reply, im feeling really down and its hard to know what to say when you're so negative...*pout*

Comments (5)

  • {{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}

    I am sorry you are having such a hard time.  I know deep down inside you don't want to die.  I hope the place they are thinking of sending you is better than where you are at.  It sounds like it might be.

    I really care about you and I want to see you stronger like I know you can be.

  • sweetheart! honey, i love you so much and miss you so much! please please try and get the help you need. maybe going to this Narana place will be good for you. hopefully you get in there and someone finally helps you the way you need. just remember, not everything in the world is bad. if you gain a little weight, it's not the end of the world. i've gained almost 30lbs and i'm still kickin. but i'm going to lose it this summer, but anyways. i love you sweetie, always remember that. don't do anything to hurt yourself. if you would have drank that fingernail polish remover, what would i have done? i'd never be able to talk to you again and neither would peter! we love you sweetie please be safe!
    i'll ttyl, hopefully soon!
    xoxo Sam

  • im so glad you are with peter.

    good for you girlie.

    you deserve someone like him. so much

    -x0x-

  • http://www.theoakhouse.com.au

  • hey beautiful, i'm so sorry things are hard for you! are you still in austin? their suggested nareena(sp?) to sarah too.. i'm not sure what she decided on it.. i hope your doing ok and thankyou for looking after sarah for me while she was in there with you... your beautiful both in the inside and the outside!!

    lots of love and massive hugs!

    aims

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