May 20, 2008

• Day 3

  I almost ruined my fast last night when Matt asked if I was hungry, I said no but my stomach managed to give it away -_-. So Matt said he'd make me something as I was spending most of my time in bed but I told him I didn't feel well...So he never made me anything..."Phew!".

  I can't believe I've lost a whole kg over night! Probably cause I never lost weight on the other fasting days. I'm just going to save this and edit a few things so for the next few minutes my blog is going to look a little crazy lol

  
  

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  9am: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
  10am: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill 
  12pm: coffee, chilled water 3 diet pills 
  3pm: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill, nap till dinner. 
  6pm: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
  8pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, slow stretching. 
  10pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, sleeping pill
  
  CW: 52kgs
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  I think I might have to cut down in the diet pills, my chest is starting to hurt because of them...But my mind is telling me thats the reason to my weight loss...So if I was to stop taking them I'd just balloon into a beached whale .
  Matt's sister Debbie once had a eating disorder...You can really tell seeing shes sooo bloody thin, oh well...Thinspo lol.

  I'm back! Matt and I went for a walk to the shops and bought a few things, I asked Matt if I could get some gum but when it came to paying for it he had to take the gum out cause he couldn't afford it!! So all of a sudden I became extremely depressed, I don't know why though...It was just gum!

  When we got home I slammed the shopping bags down onto the table and stomped outside, slamming the door behind me and had a smoke in the backyard. A few minutes later Matt walked out and asked if I had a lighter, so I started to search for it in my bag but it was taking Matt too long, he said, "If you keep everything in one place." I had then found it but by that time Matt had walked inside to find another one so I threw it at the back door and said, "Fine, piss off then!" I hate it how hes always saying that I should keep my stuff in the one place...It makes me feel like some kind of stupid unorganized person .
  I then quickly went back inside and sat in my room were I started to write in my hand written diary.

  After a while I then went out the front door to have a smoke, I sat on some steps with my back all hunched over, Debbie walked out to have a smoke too and asked me," Is Matt giving you a hard time?" I replied, "No, just moody." I so wanted to tell her why I was "moody" I wanted to tell her about my eating disorder and that I'm not eating and feeling really fat and depressed. I seriously feel like cutting myself...No one has noticed that I haven't been eating either...I don't think they care either. Debbie then asked if I wanted to come for a drive with Matt and her to go see his aunt but I said I'd rather just stay home and then went back inside and sat in my room were I just sobbed while watching Ophra...God I'm just such a fat loser!!
  Matt and I were going to go for a walk to the beach but as much as I'd love that...I'm just too depressed.

  Matt then walked in and asked what was wrong, I looked at him and he started laughing!! he said I looked "funny" I told him I wanted to be left "alone"...When he left I cried a bit, when matt said i looked "funny" I straight away thought "ugly" ...It's like he's taking the way I feel as a total joke! I so feel like cutting, maybe then he'll see how seriously depressed I am!

  I'm back for the last update for today, I seem to be having very bad mood swings...It's almost like bipolar disorder or something...I get all depressed and just want to cry my eyes out and cut but then after a couple of hours or sometimes even just a few minutes I'm all happy again! I don't even know why I get depressed half the time! I'm thinking it's either due to no heroin, lack of food, my eating disorder or the fact I haven't had my period for nearly two months...:-/. I tested myself today and no I'm not pregnant, although I did test myself late in the afternoon and you're supposed to test yourself first thing in the morning which I'll be doing tomorrow morning but I'm about %99.9 sure I'm "not" pregnant *pout* oh well . I don't know why I want to have a baby either O_O, like if I was to fall pregnant now it would be very bad timing as I still haven't kicked my drug habit, money wise Matt and I would be fucked and the house we live in or should I say the area we live in is no place to raise a child as heroin junkies are everywhere! But it doesn't mean I'd get rid of it of it either...I truly don't know what I'd do and I don't think the methadome I'm taking would do the baby much good either, anyway enough of babies lol. About 3 hours ago Matt and I went for a walk to get our dome and then came home as I needed to go to the toilet (very important seeing I don't go much lol) and then we set off to go have a look at the Mosman bay. The bay is beautiful at night, the lights from the city on the other side of the bay make a nice touch to the scenery.
  We both sat there for a while until Matt brought up a very touchy subject which made me depressed again, he started to talk about all the debts we have due to heroin and how he'll never touch it again until all his debts are paid...But what really got to me was when he said, "It won't be hard for you to give up, you aren't addicted so you don't need it, you just won't it." I then blurted out, "How'd you know! You're not me!!" I was then moody all the way back home and then we some how started an argument about how you can't be addicted to speed which is utter bullshit and offended me because my dad was badly addicted to it for YEARS! It's just as addictive as any other hard drug wether it's heroin, ice, trips, xtc or even pot! If it wasn't addictive then 1. Why would people do crime to get it? 2. Why would women AND men sell themselves for it? And 3. Why did my dad continue to inject it for over half his fucking life? But I didn't say all this to him, I just agreed to disagree and moved away from the subject.
  And so now I'm sitting here wondering if my centrelink money has come through, it normally goes in at about 12:30am in Melbourne which it would be now seeing Perth is two hours behind Melbourne but I normally always wait for my money to come in cause when it does I'm off to score! But now I cant, I won't, even though I'd love too. I have very mixed feelings for it right now, one side says "I don't want it or need it, it's a waste of money and so not worth pricking my arm for." But the other side says "Fuck I'd love a taste now, needle goes in, blood draws back and in 10 seconds you'll feel so sooo good." Heh...Fucked isn't it?
  Well I'm going to end tonight's update and have a nice hot bath, I'm looking forward to going to the city tomorrow and spending my money on something worth while . Night night people, wish me luck and pray that I wake up and have lost weight!! ^_^

  
  

  • 7:56 pm
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