May 27, 2008

  • Starting Over

    I'm starting my fast again tomorrow or really "today" and I'm going to fast till I get back to Melbourne next Monday which is about six days so hopefully if I stick to it I'll get back into the 40's. I'm looking forward to seeing Tiger again! But I'm also sad about going back cause I don't think I'll stay away from drugs, part of me is counting down the seconds till I get to have a needle stuck in me again and the other half is dreading it...I'm not sure how Matt will take it either, he seems pretty content on not using anymore so if I go and score I wonder if/how much Matt will get angry? I don't really want to think about it :-/...

    Well today was a pretty nice day even though we never went to the beach, Matt didn't really think it was warm enough and well it wasn't, not to go for a swim anyway but it would have been nice to tan a bit but by the time Matt was ready to go it was already 3:30pm and getting cold so we didn't really bother. We're going home soon and we haven't even taken any pictures or even seen the beach...:-/...oh well...

    I binged so much today! I bet I've gained back all the weight that I've lost! ...I'm too scared to weigh myself seeing I'm already "so" fucking depressed! So I guess I'll just weigh myself this Sunday or early Monday when we leave so I can quickly update one last time because when we leave I can't update anymore! Well unless I go to the Ringwood library near Eastland but I can already see myself lazing around at home like I used to so probably not...ohhh I don't want to go home! I want to stay here! But I miss Tiger too much so I have to go back and protect her .

    Debbie's boyfriend Dan has returned home from the bush and brought along a huge bag of weed! So Debbie, Dan, Matt and myself all got stoned tonight! It was just what the doctor ordered, weed is like my "home grown" antidepressant, lol XD. I haven't smoked in such a long time that by just a few puffs I was "smashed"! I ended up nodding off to sleep for aged and now I can't sleep! I've been going to be real late like 4am and getting up around 12pm which is pretty normal for me, I used to go to bed at like 3am and get up at 2pm so it's a "good" change I guess?

    Anyway, getting stoned was pretty much the only high light for today, I'm looking forward to fasting, it's becoming a type of coping mechanism to my depression and Matt arguing with me but it's annoying when Matt only notices when I'm eating "a lot" but never says anything when I don't eat "at all"...I kind of like to be noted for my will power lol :P .
    I'll see yas tomorrow.