August 4, 2009

• It's been a while...

  I'm finally back and will most likely be updating a lot more too... Would you know it, I'm back to 61kg... I feel like a fat beached whale, god I hate my body! 4 years of stavation all gained back within 6 months! ARGH! My lowest weight was 38kgs... But I never got better, I'm losing weight again but my goal weight is 50kgs, not 40kgs I want to be thin but healthy too.

  Anyway, I'm visiting Peter tomorrow, he's in jail and I miss him so so very much which is why I'm so depressed and losing weight oh and due to the fact I had a miscarriage 2 months ago. I was 2 months pregnant but when Peter got locked up the stress caused me to lose the baby. I've also been clean from heroin for over 2 months now but am always tempted, so I make sure I never put myself in a tempting situtation, I gave my ATM card to Peter's Mum and she controls my money making sure I never have enough on me to buy heroin and when I "do" buy something I have to have proof of purchase... And well if I'm cought using I'll be kicked out to live on te street! So I have homelessness to think of before I think about using!

  Sara still hasn't talked to me, I think our friendship is over sadly, I miss her so much I just can't believe she'd do this to me! I was always there for her to support her when she needed me to and then the moment I need her support and friendship it's like "I'm sorry, I want to quit drugs so I can't hang around you or I'll use." Like what total crap! It's like I feel as though she thinks I've always pushed her to use, made her feel like she HAD to to be my friend and even though I'm clean now she still doesn't speak to me... I just feel so fucking CRUSHED! We were best friends since being in hospital together, we've been through so much and now because of this she just bluntly descides to cut me off as though I never matterd to her in the fucking first place!! If I felt she was my best friend, the best friend I've ever had... Then what was I to her? Very little, or maybe even someone she could "use" to get drugs at one stage? I don't think she really even liked me much all along, I guess I was stupid enough to let myself think she was a really nice person, a good friend and someone that was always going to be there for me NO MATTER WHAT because that's what REAL FRIENDS do! They stick together no matter what each other does!!

  But... even though I am very very hurt, I still lover her and would be more then happy to be her friend again, hang out, get a coffee or even just talk to her over the phone. Like it was at the start.

  P.S... I'm changing my profile picture, it hurts too much to look at

  • 7:55 am
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