March 1, 2011

• It's been too long...

  I'm not going to post much at this point but just enough to say I'm still here! I'm ok I guess... Well I was, slowly going bad again though. Pete hits me still, although I don't use that much I still do and eating disorder wise, well even though I'm not in the 40kg zone any more (I'm 64kgs again) I very much want to get back to were I was.

  I've been trying very hard to leave Pete but always find myself going back to him, when he got out of jail he just turn into a monster. Yelling at me and hitting me a lot. He has stopped hitting me as much but still his anger is awful...

  So... Does anyone have any tips on getting back on track weight wise? I'd give anything to be my thin self again... a size 6... I'm a fat size 12 again and I hate it so damn much. I guess I could go on a huge ice binge and lose it that way? lol but I'd end up crazy! I just don't know what to do, I need a friend right now. Also I don't have a computer at home so I have to use the library computer so I might not be able tp update everyday but I will try.

   

  Also... HIV wise, I'm ok! Long story but I'd rather not go into it, Hep C wise, I still have to get rid of it. And... I really want a child lol but my body has been so fucked up in the past due to anorexia and drugs my hopes of ever having a baby a pretty damn slim! Well, I have 4mins to go so I better log off, I might be able to get back on I'll try. Also if anyone wants, add me to facebook just type in Mekah Menke and you'll find me I have a old picture of my thin self and my still and very badly missed friend Sarah... God, if you are reading this sarah, I miss you girl.

  I got back on another computer, I don't really like typing such personal stuff, don't know who could be reading but oh well. I probably should get back home soon, its 6:30pm and getting dark I hate walking home alone in the dark even if I am a ten minute walk away. For the lasy two night I've been sleeping on the couch in the main house. Pete and I live in a small flat behind Pete's Mum's house, her holiday house but when we fight I sleep on the couch. Two nights ago I read something wrong about how much rice to put in this cup and Pete exploded and hit me down the side of my face with the book! So in return I exsploded and hit every glass cup and coffee cup clear off the coffee table and across the room, straight in Petes direction! I made a huge mess which I straight away cleaned up while I cried and then left to go stay in the house...

  I'm hoping Pete isn't angry anymore... Last week I was so close to moving out, I had arranged everything too, all I had to do was show up the next morning and arrange the rent payments through my centrelink. It was a nice place too, all new, I had my own room, own Tv, own fridge and own bathroom! Even though it was $180 a week which is ok, it was perfect! But that was nearly two weeks ago, the chances of that still being there is slim... I get paid this thursday, Pete will be all nice to me of cause seeing payday= drugs... And then when I have no more cash he'll be mean again and I'll be stuck again...

  I don't know what to do... I love pete so very much, it is probably my fault that he gets so angry but i really just dont know what to do. I just want to be happy, i want pete to be happy.

  • 2:07 am
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