April 24, 2011

• Weight loss...

  To my suprise I've lost about 6kgs in the last week, not like i was even trying I mean I do only eat once a day cause I feel I have to. Due to depression I hardly ever eat, I guess I just forget. Lately I've been so depressed, more then I normally am, it's been a long while since I've thought about cutting or even suicide. I've been finding it hard to find any reasons to keep going, I can't have a child, no friends, my family hates me, no job and no fucking life. Pointless, completely pointless...

  I'm hoping this feeling will pass before I get paid this Thursday otherwise I might do something tragic...

  Or maybe I should just start starving myself away again, god it would be so easy, too easy to do that right now. When I weighed myself last night, it was the first time I had been on a scale in nearly 3 years... I could feel myself being clawed back in and to my surprise... It felt good, frightenly good.

   

  I just want to be happy with myself and my life thus far but I'm not and can't be, it's like I'm not allowed to be happy anymore.

  I know Pete will yell at me for being depressed or more so cause I will not tell him why I am depressed, so as always I'll put on my fake smile and pretend nothing worries me. I'm not sick just fucked up.

  • 1:15 am
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