January 3, 2014

  • So Another Year Has Passed!

    Moreover, how fast did it fly by huh?  In addition, just like the year before I accomplished fuck all! GO ME!

    Not… Still have not fallen pregnant L but that is probably a good thing seeing I still have yet to get off my methadone! I really think I cannot actually have a child but Pete and I have rather slowed down quite a bit with our “love” making so doesn’t  help much either!

    After 5 years of trying, the ‘trying’ part has started to cry out for ‘help’… I need someone with a mind filled with tonnes of sexually explosive ideas and how to again feel ‘confident’ enough to be the one that makes that ‘first move’ which I only ever do once in a blue moon which poor Pete has complained about and is starting to think that I don’t find him sexually attractive… Which of cause I disagreed with!

    You see most of the time the chances of me either making the first ‘move’ or being in the ‘mood’ all deeply depends on my mood… Most days my mood is rather ‘flat’, even if it is a nice day I will not really be too happy… But my overall mood and current energy due to wanting to go for swims along the beach would increase if I felt that I looked ‘sexually attractive but I’m obviously not 50-55kgs, I really weigh 70kgs…..I feel like I’m the biggest, fattest, most unattractive young female in the entire world.

     I always having yearly summer self-disappointment due to exercising heaps, eating small amounts and not losing weight….I then stormed out “fuck it I’ll just do meth, I’ll be definitely 50kgs by this time next year. I HATE summer now, even though I live literally 5minute walk from the beach I will not go due to feeling so fat and ugly L. I want to weigh about 50-55kgs THEN I will be happy, Pete also wants me to not so much lose weight exactly but to tone up my butt and thighs, they are very, very flabby and covered in cellulite! However, that is my fault for pretty much spending 80% of the last 4 years in bed doing nothing…

    So let us talk about my Christmas, well I hope yours was better than mine was! After 3 months of no heroin Pete and I due to the fairly ‘deep’ and painful ‘wounds’ that both our families had laid upon us that Christmas Day. Pete’s wounds were a result of his rather unable and plainly unwillingly to ‘forgive’ Pete for his drug use which never affect him and instead of trying to be a supportive brother/family member (we will call his brother P) instead actual physical violence is used ‘towards’ Pete. And to add a greater sense of ‘inner family isolation’, feeling emotionally struck with the obviously one sided support both his Mum and Dad gave to P, which they %100 gave to P while either ignoring Pete’s struggles, improvements, accomplishments and even tearing Pete’s much desired dreams which may or may not have resulted in Pete having a very ‘different’, self-accomplished, drug free and a sense of ‘life worthiness’ apart due to 1. You thought computer games would go nowhere and two. The family house at the time had TWO working computers, Pete needed ONE in order to do his much needed ‘TAFE Game Design homework’ but for some retarded reason P needed ‘BOTH?’ computers? And what is that? Because P was studying for his UNI Exam P’s needs were more ‘important’ then P’s little pointlessly worthless ‘game’ crap… The fact that Pete actually ‘quite’ Heroin in order to go to TAFE so he could build some kind of self-worthy life and hopefully would make both his parents proud! Pete politely asked P if he could for an hour be able to use one of his computers. But sadly unsurprisingly P expectedly and bluntly said “No, I need ‘both’” Pete starting to feel frustrated he asked again politely when the soonest P would be finished with either PC… But to my unsurprised self, P angrily and without a reason snapped, “I’ll be finished when I’m finished!”

    So Pete feeling frustrated and believed that at least his Mum would be able to see that P was just being a spiteful brat because he found something he could ‘control’ and emotionally pinch at like some fun game! After desperately asking his Mum to help and side with his small but deeply important steps he was trying to utterly hard to take but was cruelly being pulled away from his happiness filled life path! Pete didn’t realise how important this course would be and even less so from his Mum, greatly his Dad and his brother that due to unknown reason seemed to have an at ‘times’ excessive urge to either ‘destroy’ any hope of happiness or sap any remaining ‘worth, joy and the will/drive / self-worth or ‘dreams desire’ and the self-acceptance to push one’s self until ‘dream’ is but a reality. Sometimes while Pete would quietly be sitting/watching TV in his room above the kitchen were P would complain loudly to his dad about how Pete should be kicked out, put an intervention order on him so he’d forever be unable to return home… P would even state out loud with obvious intent for Pete to hear that P hoped, wished and even ‘preyed’ that Pete would just DIE”
    Sadly, slowly over time and largely due to the day Pete pleaded to borrow one of two computers just so he could do his “Very and seriously into” He did however due to not being able access when needed Pete had to sadly drop out… Sometimes I urge him to join again even though he is turning 33…not too old right and then slowly over time his ‘chance’ had slipped away… My ‘chance’ however, I strongly believe I’ll have for as long as I can still put together a well thought out sentence! I have seriously decided to write an autobiography on ‘myself’ lol! Lame I know and some people may ask, “Why you? What makes your life so damn worthy of turning into a book?” Well honestly I just want to make a mark and I doubt the publishing of my first book (whenever that’ll be!) will make any substantial size mark but I don’t care really, I wouldn’t mind even if not one single person bought my book… It still would have left a tiny little mark in the world where say 150 yrs. after I pass away in my sleep, while Jedi curling up on my lap and also Pete also passing in his sleep while lying beside me holding my hand… I KNOW Jedi will be like 300in dog years by then by I’m being overly optimistic about the length of Jedi’s life… I wish dogs lived at LEAST 50years.  Why the hell not huh?

    You know people… I’m actually ‘really’ starting to worry whether Pete and I will be gifted a baby soon enough... I’m turning 27 this year… Funny how way back in my early posts that I was SO adamant that I was going to be both married with children by the time I turned 25 lol… Still waiting! Not sure if Pete will EVER ask me, actually I’m not even fully sure if he even WANTS to get married! I hope he does…  Because well I think, it’s too late to move on with a hop filedled heart. Two years ago I kept always telling myself that if either Pete hasn’t proposed or I haven’t fallen pregnant that I would totally break up and hopefully and rather quickly meet someone which with the luck needed to win Powerball I will undoubtedly find the perfect guy that will want to marry within 2 months and can make me fall pregnant by just simple pointing at me… Yes! LOL!

    I can’t leave Pete! We’ve been together pretty much 6 years… We’re going to either get married and pop out a few copies of ourselves or we’re just going to grow old together I guess! I’ll just go on to continually raise puppy Havanese and treat them/love them as if they are my human babies… It’s what I pretty much do with Jedi anyways.

    I guess hell ask when he asks… I hope he’ll ask while I remain with my very few 20s years…. Kind of hoping to become a first time mu by LATEST 2016 when I’ll be 29… God the day I turn 30 it’s going to be a little scary and a lot sad… Maybe I’ll be lucky and age really well, I do hardly ever suntan!

    Well hope enjoyed my probably pretty boring post!