There are so many "when" questions I have... So many... And all of them make me sad...
When will I finally be drug free? When will I write a book? When will I if ever become a mother? When will I forgive my father for abandoning me when I needed him most? When will Peter propose so I can finally wear the utterly beautiful diamond ring he got me now six months ago and still tucked away in a cupboard?
So many...
Onto other depressingly topics... Being diagnosed with Grave's Disease I have gained a bit of wight! Fucking ironic huh? Once being Anorexic weighing as little as 37kgs... I now due to my Thyroid being completely fucking demented weigh an wopping 80kgs+! I've "never" been this heavy! And it sucks ALL the balls in the world!! And I'm not just fat but I'm also flabby like a bowl of fatty jelly! GOD I could cry from the utter frustration of it! You see the Grave's at "first" about the start of February three or so weeks before I knew I had Grave's Disease. I quite pleasantly was surprised to find I had lost a bit of weight! I found that my jeans were getting pretty loose! I had actually thought I had gained weight! Thinking I had sadly finally tipped over the dreaded 70kgs zone that I had demanded myself never to exceed! I actually weighed 67kgs! I had gone from having an eating disorder at the start of my relationship with Peter (god back in September 2008!) weighing no more than 54kgs to about 65kgs gradually over the first 6 months of our relationship becoming not just physically healthy with the return of my period which I had gone pretty much without for almost 4 straight years! But also became somewhat healthy "mentally"... Peter's love... His love felt " real" and is still "real"...
The men I had been with since Ryan which he no doubt played an significant role in me developing an Eating disorder or at least didn't lift a single finger in giving an fucks whatsoever as I slowly and quite obviously was developing one right in front of him! Even going as far as wasting away right in front of him! Not eating for a month is pretty damn obvious! But instead of caring when I am finally hospitalized and nearly dying weighing as much as a 6 year old.... He instead breaks up with me over an email... And on my 20th birthday.... Which I spent in hospital alone... Well besides a preist that randomly popped in to give me a birthday card! God... I remember suddenly stopping the priest before he left and awkwardly asking him if he'd mind reading me my " last rites"... You know, what they read to people that are dying... And even though I hadn't be baptized he looked at me for a little, sat at my side and nodded...
He made a cross on my forehead, said things about archangels and the lord... I can't remember really. I could hardly make out much anyway as I was pretty weak. In the end the only thing that saved me really was one person... Later that night about half an hour before visiting hours had ended my best friend from high school which I hadn't seen for over a year (due to my eating disorder secluding myself) suddenly popped her head in.... Oh Caitlyn... My Angel, Caitlyn.
I didn't even know she was there for the first 10 or so minutes she was there, sitting in a chair besides me. I was so busy with the simple act of "laying in wait for Death himself" to give me a visit instead. When I did finally notice I first thought I was hallucinating! As I did a lot due to both being so deathly ill and the seroqil I was on. But then knew she was real when she softly wrapped her warm hand around my cold, skeletal fingers. I would've jumped if I had the energy.
She didn't say "hello" just smiled sadly and began to weep... I didn't understand why though, I asked her what made her so upset almost protective like I did in school. I'd always stick up for her and beat down hard on anyone stupid enough to cause her "any" form of pain or discomfort! Not knowing that it was "me" that was causing her her pain and tears...
She and I'll never forget this... She blurts out tears and snot flowing while shoving her face into my hand she held "I don't want you to die!"
Those 6 words... Just those 6 saved my life... And she was the "only" person to utter them or anything like it.... Everyone else either avoided the possibility of me dying or would complain about how painful it was for "them" to see me "this way" not considering that maybe it was a "little" painful for me too...
But this person... This Angel had simply said while barring her soul that she didn't want me to die... And said it while holding my hand as though holding on to the little life I had left and letting go meant losing that little life I had left... And she didn't say it from a place of pity or sadnesses alone but a place of pure love that with each tear she cried showed a crack in which my pain before her was breaking it into splinters.
The plain as day knowledge that at least "one" person cared at all made me care enough to "fight". Before she stepped in I was 100% certain no one cared anymore... It was my birthday and Ryan the man I had loved for 4 years which from the age of 16 to 20 is quite long had not only ignored me completely while sick but cruelly broke up with me on the same day, my Dad which had promised me as a child to " always" no matter what be there for me (promised after a certain traumatic period which is a story for another entry) had decided instead of visiting me got blind drunk! He didn't even call... I instead thinking he was just late to my visit had called him to check when he'd arrive! I asked when he'd be here and he just replied "I can't drive! I've had a bit to drink!" So desperate to see my Dad's face... I asked if he could get a cab? In which I heard Wendy's parrot like fucking voice yelling "I can't handle it anymore! It's too painful!" I got angry yelling "Too painful!? For you!? What about me!? Do you care Dad!?" Then he said the most painful thing I've ever heard... Last being "I shoukd disown you!"... Yeah more painful..... He said softly " I think sometimes it would be better if you'd just die... At least then I could stop worrying and I'd then know it was over and could finally start to grieve"... He hung up. I still try to forgive that putting it to him being drunk.... Lastly my Oma wasn't there either and I don't know why as she ignored my phone calls.... Marnah my sister did call though, she couldn't go as she had the flu and was too ill. She never really spoke much as at this time sort of resented me for having an eating disorder as it was the only thing everyone spoke about thus making any of her problems mean little to nothing and felt even mentioning anything seemed petty in comparison...
But Caitlyn knowing I was ill for a while had visited me the most times while I was in the Austin mental hospital.... Hadn't seen me for a while and only that day had been told of my condition through trying to call me at home. But seeing only Ryan was there to answer she wandered were I was. Ryan of cause told her I was sent back to the mental hospital which was a lie or maybe he didn't care enough to understand I was more far gone physically then mentally and in need of urgent medical care.... So she contacted the psychiatric ward which informed her of my condition and forwarded her to the main hospital which.... Due to my extreme condition and lack of any family attendance actually asked "her" first if she'd visit me as I might not have much longer to live and had mentioned that I was mumbling about "Dying alone as I had always been" which made the nurse almost cry whike talking to Caitlyn.
Caitlyn... Had sped all the way in her car thinking I'd die at any moment. And by my side she stayed.... Even after visiting hours, tge nurse came in and before the nurse even opened her mouth Caitlyn demanded she stayed. The nurse was never going to kick her out, instead she rolled a small cot in for Caitlyn to sleep in and told her she was welcome to stay as long as she could so long as she allowed me to rest. Having a private room made it easy.
Anyway... I've written enough.... I'll finish another time.