November 7, 2006

• Suspended?!

  whaaaat?! Well remember when i said i got $150 in my bank that came out of nowhere? well just ysterday i got a form from centrelink that my payments have been "suspended" and now i only get $170 every 2 weeks...and why? cause my dad forgot to tick a yes and no box on a form i gave him to fill out...FUCKing pain in the ass. so today i gotta sort that shit out, cause $170 is hardly enough to even give ryan O_O.

  Anyway...Monday Caitlyn ended up coming over, she stayed the night...slept in my bed and i slept with ryan...wasnt gonna make the same mistake with sharee. Then yesterday my dad picked me up to go to his house and watch the horse races...but i left before it even started haha. But as i was there, caitlyn asked me for a light...i was like, "i dont smoke." cause you see...my dad doesnt know i smoke...well he didnt...but ill get onto that a bit later. Wendy made some little finger food treats...which i heavily induldged in...so yes i now weigh 47kgs...fuck...my own fault tho waa. My dad noticed i had lost weight and before i left he asked me to gain some weight...just for him...like thatll happen. So 3pm came along and ryan picked me and caitlyn up, we went home and i made some cookies...slept alot...i was SO tired. And then i get a phone call from my dad, he said, "If you ever want to light up then you can, marnah told me and caitlyn pretty much gave you away." I started to panic...after nearly 4 yrs of me keeping my bad habit a secret from my dad...he knows!! but he wasnt angry...he was all like, "Its your health." and so on...i still feel guilty tho, it took me ages to smoke in front of ryan after he found out...itll take me FOREVER to smoke infront of my DAD! arrgghh x_x.

  Caitlyn stayed till about 8pm till she finally went hoommee! lol...i can stand her for a day but after 24 hours it gets to be a bit much...she talks so damn much!!! O_O hahaha.

  So then that brings me to today...i really hope i get at least "some" money in my bank...i really need it right now...man i wish i wasnt so mantally fucked up...i wish i wasnt so damn afraid of everyone and everything...maybe then i could actually find a job or learn to drive without having a damn panic attack -_-''

  Back...i sorta out the centrlink stuff...gonna get paid tomorrow so thats all good. but nooww...ive got a doctors appointment in roughly 30mins...gonna go in for a check up have the doctor check my heart and such...so ill update once i get back.

  Back again, last update...the appointment was weird...not really helpful either. she said the "heart fluttering" i get afte i purge is "probably" related to a panic attack...yeeaah...Then i explained how my wrists and knees hurt alot. she just nodded her head and then checked my heart beat, glands, ears...and then gave me a form to take to a hospital to get a blood test which will check my potassium and iron...and then after allll that...she gave me 4 weeks worth of anti depressants called "Lexapro" or something like that....ARGH...i go in there looking like death, come out with no info whats so ever only MORE pills. but before i left i told her how i was rejected from IP and she explained to me that IP is mostly for people that have fallen below a certain weight...for me...itll be below 40kgs...so i gotta weight LESS then 40kgs to get help...great...hopfully i want die before then.

  • 3:56 pm
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