May 26, 2011

• So nervouse...

  I have court on the 30th, this coming Monday... The guy that raped me last July will hopfully go to jail next Monday but even though I'll be questioned through a camera in a different room and away from the fucking monster I am still very afraid. I'm also scared my memory of the night will end up fucking it all up for me and he'll end up getting away with it, I can already hear his laughs as the judge yells out "not guilty"... I don't think I'll be able to handle hearing that and to make things that much worse, I've been using more due to all this. I can hardly answer the very detailed awful questions my prosecuter asks me so how am I going to handle the even more detailed awful questions they are going to ask me in court? They ask things like "How did he rape you?" I then explain the best I can "Where did he put his penis?" Even though I already said how he did it I got to say "He put it in my anus..." Then I'm still asked "How did it feel when he put his penis in your anus?" .... See what I mean? I not only have to explain WHAT happend, WHERE and WHEN but what I felt and how I felt it and in every possible detail and all while he is listening in court probably laughing to himself. I'll be questioned like this in front of a huge group of people that I've never met before, wil probably be questioned like this for about 8 hours and still at the end he might still walk free... Fuck. I. Want. To. Die. I know hsi name now though... Tyson Gibson.... A name I will never forget no matter how much I try...

  I wish I wasn't so drunk that night, maybe then I would have been strong enough to fight him. I wish I never went out that night, maybe then I would have never met him. I regret calling the police, then I wouldn't have to go to court and can just forget all this and pretend it never happend like I've done 4 times before... Even though it never goes away and deep down I am happy that at last I'm finally doing something about it only thanks to Peter for pushing me all the way. But like always, I blame myself for that night, for everything. I shouldn't have gone out pissed off my head, I shouldn't have  hang out with 5 teenaged boys that I didn't know just cause I trusted them and thought them to be harmless due to their age and the fact they all smoked weed and all stoners are gentle trusting people right? WRONG! YOU DUMB FUCKING BITCH! I trust people too much... I should have noticed something was up after we scored the weed and they wouldn't give me wht I paid for until we got to were ever we were going... I should of noticed something was up when we started to walk through a dark thick area of trees were no one could see me but I thought we were finding someone privet to smoke... And lastly I should have fucking ran when the fucker started to lift my top up to show his 4 mates my tits and laughed at me but instead I stood there and froze... Why do I ALWAYS fucking FREEZE! Inside I'm screaming fucking RUN Mekah!! RUUUNN! But no, stupid fucking me freezes and my arms turn to jelly while my legs turn to lead and my voice decides not to work. I turn off and go numb, my boby gives up not to say I didn't fight, he placed a knife to my throat, forced oral sex and a slit throat... After I stand to run, take one step and shoved back down, I get up only to be pushed back down, I then try to crawl away and foot stomps on my back and I'm stood on, held down and laugh at by all. Pants torn down and laughed at more, I had my period and for some reason they found my bloody pad amusing... Normal sex would have been messy I guess so maybe that's why they decided to do the other? Or maybe they liked how I cried out in pain?

  You cringing at my post yet? Hard to read yet? Well imagine explaining all this but in much much much more detail and depth and to people you dont know "face to face" With the rapist within ear shot, you wouldn't be able to see him but you know he's there, you can sence him, feel him, smell him... or is that just memories? Probably both...

  I clench both my thumbs in my hands until my knuckels turn white, I bite my lower lip to hide that it's trembeling and I dig my nails deep into my palms in hopes that it might stop me from crying...

   

  And it's only Friday... Did I say "only"? I ment it's ALREADY Friday, I need more time! I don't want Monday to come but at the same time I just want everything over with so I can move the fuck on and try to forget about it all, I'll start going to CASA like I should have 8 years ago, since then I've been raped another 3 times... so now I really need to go... I can't hide it all inside anymore, I'm about to burst with all the shame, guilt and disgust.

  • 12:45 pm
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