I've been doing really well with my meals...my door has to be locked from 8am till 8pm so i dont exercise or purge. Weigh in day was today and ive actually lost a WHOLE...100gs lmao  so ive just pretty much maintained...ill probably weigh a bit more next time whic is mondy.

My oma and marnah came in today and dropped off a load off stuff, i now have heeps of baggy winter clothing and TOE GLOVES ^____^ they are so cool lol. i also got enough smokes to give me lung cancer within 2 days lol. and other toilet stuff i need. So im all rugged up and feel comfortable after meals when i feel all bloated.

Right now a woman is sleeping on a couch behind us (peter is with me of cause ) and shes snoring REALLY loadly lol...its funny.

My seriquil as been increased to 300mg in the morning and at night...i take it at 8pm well im supposed to but i hide it under my tongue and take it later at about 11pm...i dont want to be a zombie at 8:30pm...but  ATLEAST i still take it so dont get angry O_O.

Today is ryans 31st bday...i havent called him yet...think hes asleep but he doesnt really care anyway...bdays arnt a big deal for him anyway.

It was freezing today, peter kept hugging me like i was a teddy XD cute lol...kept me warm too ^.^ (romance music plays in background) lmfao XD.

So anyway, im feeling really good about recovery...so maybe this time itll actually go to plan...

ill update again soon ^.^ xoxoxoxox

p.s....this is what i want to look like again

happy...healthy...living ^.^

the internet here had been down for a couple of days so i couldnt update! someone smashed it, crazy person -_-'''. anyway, ive met some real nice people here, its alot less hectic then last time...althought once again i lost alot of weight in just 3 days i droped 2kgs...so now they are locking my door after my meals which has made me feel very uncomfortable...my room is the only place i feel cmfortabe after meals. but instead i go outside and talk to a nice guy name peter. we pace alot together, which is bad for me i guess but it helps me relax and put my mind of my last meal. ryan hasnt called at all since i got here, and when i do call him hes so distant which has made eating so much worse...i feel like its all my fault but the nurses are really helpng.

ill be doing a eating disorder support program here soon, a nurse gave me a sheet to fill out of all the eating disorder habits i have through out the whole day. (excuse my spelling mistakrs, i just took my meds @_@). anyway, i now weigh roughly 46kgs, which is ok i guess, my GPs scales have been WAY off...all along i though i weighed 42 when in fact i weighed 48!! O___O'.

my potassium is also down alot which is partly why thwy are locking my door...yes i have been purging, its so hard not to V_V.

theres only one other eating disorder patient here, her name is sara, i havent really spoken her that much but shes seems like a nice girls. theres seems to be alot of weird homeless type people here too, they go through the bins and collect stuff like cups and food X_X grroosss! lol.

peter is sitting next to me right now laughing XD...he makes me smilea lot ^.^. gleee. lol.

I've alos started colouring in my book, i gave a picture to peter to colour also, it helps him relax, he seems uptight all the time but who can blame him...anyone in here would be uptight...the nurses are worse then ever this time...they just ignore you when you need help...but im being pretty stubborn this time instead of just being quiet like last time.

last night i had a weird moment, the nurse gave me a double dose of my seriqil...so i ended up being REALLY hypo, i waspulling grass out of the ground and waving branches around as though they were wings lol! i also teased the hoeless people with boxes, placing them in front of them and then quickly taking it aaay and running away laughing like a maniac! XD lol. but then it got scary cause i got all confused and axiuos...so a woman named Carol took me to a nurse were i was given a double dose of sleeping pills...i was out like a light within 20mins o.o. Im kinda hoping i get that energy boost tonight so i can do heeps of laps with peter XD...might start a riot too lol XD. ill jump around waving my arms about, show everyone what  crazy really means lolololXD.

Well i guess thats it for now, ill see if i can update again tomorrow...but everyone here seems pretty eger to go on the computer...-_- bastards lol

see yas xoxoxox

Tomorrow i am off to the hell hole again...what will happen this time? my dad isnt walking in with me this time...hes going to drop me off at the front and then drive home...i have a feel something bad is going to happen when im in there...i dunno why i feel that...i just have a weird feeling, could just be nerves.

Ryan has yet to speak more then 10 words to me in the last 24hours...he knows im leaving tomorrow, he knows that when he comes home from work i want be there...and yet he still gives me the cold shoulder...why am i complaining? when its all my fault...and i cant fix any of it.

Ill be in austin for ryans bday which is next thursday...he turns 31...ill probably be in austin for MY 20th...thats gonna be a saaad saaad day...as my dad had promised to take be flying in a tiger moth plan...dont think itll happen now, maybe the doctors there will be nice enough to let me out for my bday, but i dout it.

anyway...im gonna be making bracelets whilst im away, so when i get back...ill give them allll away for free ...i think i might do that even when i come out, just make like a tonne of bracelets and give em away for free, just cause im nice like that hahaha.

Well...ill update as soon as i can tomorrow, if not tomorrow then probably saturday.

wish me luck for round 2!!! ill need it...xoxoxoxox

I got a call from Dr Wong saying a bed is now free for me and that i go into Austin "this" friday at 10:00am...but first i have to get a blood test otherwise i cant go...sounds stupid but eh. So i called my dad and told him and then asked if he could take me to the Croydon Clinic to get a blood test done...his reply, "No, sorry...I have an appointment with Wendy..." So i guess he was too busy...so i then called Ryan...his phone probably rang 5 times before he hing up on me. Ryan is very angry with me, it seems the moment he comes home he  starts an argument...and there about the littlest things like "theres no more milk, you drank it all!" "$2 is missing, you took it!" "you eat too much!" "you dont eat enough!" and it goes on and on...i cant even remember the last time he said he loved me, or hugged me...i feel like this pest in his house and hes counting down the seconds till i go away again...heck hell probably celebrate when i tell him im going in 2 days.

So, im getting a blood test tomorrow at 9:40 ar Dr Wongs...hopfully maaayybe ryan will be nicer to me...but i dont care anyway really...if he does dump me itll be all my fault...it always is anyway.

I really dont wanna go back to austin, its all just dawned on me now...waiting to go in didnt feel too bad but actually knowing im going back and when has really reved my nervs...how much worse will it be this time? maybe it has improved? how long will i be staying? will anyone visit me? will dad visit me? will ryan? probably not ryan, he even told me last night he wont be able to cause he just toooo "busy" building his car...and my dad probably wont seeing he wants to spend time with wendy.

Blah...this post makes me wanna cry, im sick of crying...its all ive been doing lately, next to exercising and eating nothing...i havent eaten anything in god knows how long...all i have is coffee...lots and lots of coffee. I was how ever going to have an apple, till my doctor called saying im going into Austin...i was 2 seconds away from biting into that apple...and now its back in the fridge...waiting to go off and bee thrown away.

im going to go and sleep...the only enjoyment i get is when im asleep...which is very rare.

The Austin called this afternoon saying a bed is free and that i go in on tuesday...this tuesday...not much notice huh? anyway...theres a possablity that i "might" not go in seeing they have an emergancy and my room might be taken...so i have to call them on monday morning to find out if that bed is still free or not. Im freaking out...in just three day i might be back in that nightmare of a place...and this time ill be staying alot longer.

Well enough of that! back to friday night! i had a blast!! no pictures im afraid . I danced so much and then elvis came on!!! he sounded just like him! it was great! When he started to sing love me tender, i had to get up in front of everyone and put his eagle cape on ...and then he gave me a red scraf that he had around his sweaty neck...:P ohh lala lol...he looked like the young thin elvis...had that same hair do and everything and when he sang he even made those weird leg move ments and karate kicks XD hahahaha. Also he started to walk around table whilst singing love me tender...he got me to sing!!! i almost died hahahaha. i cant wait till we go see him again...itll be in may sometime.

Well besides that nothing much has happend...besides ryan being exetremely pissed off at me...you see the milk ran out and so he got pissed off cause he couldnt have breakfast friday moring...so he slammed the front door and went to work without saying good bye...and even though he knows im going back to austin...he is still pissed off...hes giving me the cold shoulder...before i went to hug him and he pushed me away...i felt as though a knife stabbed me right through my heart...i thought that if he knew that in 3 days ill be going away for a long time that he might drop the "i fucking hate you" act and be a little nice before i go...but no...i have a small feeling that ryan has almost had enough with me and my eating disorder...that its just too much for him to bare...and soon he might dump me...i dont blame him either! if i was him and had to put up with the things i do i would of dumped me ages ago...well actually  i dont know, i dont want ryan to dump me...i just want things to be how they were when we first met...but i dont think they ever will.

please let everything be...ok...

ive been really lazy with updating lately -_-...and why? because everyday is a copy of the day before and all of it is boring and not worth mentioning.

although today was different...i had a doctors appointment and for the first time in 4 weeks i didnt need a blood test! i also got weighed...i weigh 45kgs...ive gained and feel like an obese whale -_-. i also asked my doctor is he heard anything from Austin but all he said was, "They'll call you when a room is avaliable." well fuck...id like to at least know a set date on when ill be going in...i dont want a phone call from Austin saying, "you can come in on (date here)." which would be like in the next 4 or so days, id like to have at least 2 weeks notice or something.

Anyway, im going back to the maroonda club this friday with my oma, wendy and marnah...should be a blast! a singer there is gonna dress up as Elvis and sing his songs! . if i can ill bring my camera and take some pictures...ive been meaning to post some more pics of myself...but ive just been feeling so HUGE lately. I also think my dad is angry at me for some reason...maybe its cause im going back into Austin...he thinks i "like" it there which is why i wanna go back! how the FUCK can anyone "like" being in a phychiatric hospital?! i H-A-T-E-D it there...every second there felt like a yr! the ONLY reason i want to go back is because i think i might have some small tiny hope of getting better and actualy LIVE life...cause right now im not really living...living isnt constantly thinking about calories consumed, calories burnt, measureing, weighing, binging, purging, starving and crying over the tiniest stupidest things...*huff* -_-''.

the other day my oma asked me what i can eat and not feel the need to purge...i gave her a list...which consisted of; apples, carrots, cucumber and celery...so then she said, "well why dont you only eat them? that why your body is getting at least something." i didnt answer her...if i was going to give her an answer itll probably be "cause id lose weight real fast, i exercise like theres no tomorrow and i dont think a few apples and such will keep my weight stable." but i didnt say that cause itll be what i wanted...and id probably end up either eating nothing...or binging on it all in the one day then purging it all anyway...i cant just have an apple and some celery for lunch...i gotta have the whole fucking fruit shop...-_-...bah i hate bulimia...fucking hate it.

on a lighter note...ive started making bracelets again...i was going to take some pics of them and then offer 20 free bracelets to 20 different people on here...but then i thought...nah they look crap anyway lol XD. but ill take some pics soon.

so thats basically today...sweet fuck all!! ^.^

*goes off to ponder why im still alive* -_-''''''''''

until i got an upsetting phone call...but ill get to that later.

Today i went to a BBQ with a group of people that go to the Murnong clinic...it was ok I guess, it was weird but good to be out of the house. Sara my worker picked me up and along the way she started asking questions about the "voices" i get and then asked when i last ate. I had to think for a bit, i didnt know wether to tell the truth and risk getting into trouble or lie...i told the truth...and she nodded.

When we got to ringwood lake, everyone else was there...cant even remember their names lol. but there was one girl there that i related alot to, she didnt have an eating disorder but she has be admitted to a phyciatric unit and will be going back soon...so maybe well be going to the same place! hahha.

Lunch was awkward....everyone was sitting at this table eating their hot dogs and salad and i was the only one that wasnt eating...i was just sitting there waiting for someone to plop a suprise plate of food in front of me and then expect me to eat it all...but it didnt happen. no one really noticed. I then watched the guys play cricket and soccor...i sat in the sun most of the time...i was so cold.

Then later sara brought me home, i had a missed call on my answering machine...it was Dr Wong. So i called him back to find out my potassium is seriously low...so low im on the edge of collasping! O_O. it doesnt feel low or anything but he was very worried and said if i lose even 1 kilo by next wednesday i will have to be admitted asap. well fuck...thats all i can say. My oma then called me after finding out...i could tell she was trying not to cry...she hasnt cried from being worried about me before...it was like a big boot in the head and i just dont know what to do....for all i know i could just fall over and die...like that, gone forever and yet a side of me doesnt care and just wants to lose more weight -_-'.

So im going to have to take potassium pills 2 times a day again and hopfully i want die of a heart attack anytime soon.

ive alos relised...ill probably be in Austin on my b'day...waaa.

Well i just got home, done alot today and so im very tired.

Anyway, i went to see Dr Wong today...got weighed...i have lost weights, also got a blood test. Dr Wong sounded angry today...he asked me, "Why do you want to kill yourself?!" I told him i didnt but he replied, "But what you're doing is slowly killing yourself!" Then he went on about that i should have small meals and not throw up and so on and so on...i just bluntly nodded my head as though i gave a shit but really...he has no idea how hard it is. So he told me i'm on a waiting list to go back into Austin. So im 100% sure im going back...i have to wait 2-3 weeks...i already feel really scared...more scared then the first time i was going in. I have all the same thoughts as last time "I'm gonna be laughed at" "Im going to be the fattest" "Im gonna come out a obese cow!" and already im plotting way on how im gonna sneek past the nurses, back to my room and purge then exercise like last time. what if they are more stricted and actually watch me this time? But what scares me more is...Dr Wong told me if i lose just 2 more kilos...he gonna have me tube fed...i wouldnt even be 40kgs! like i though people get tube fed when their bmi sits in the low 13s...mine how ever is hanging on to the low 16s....i dont even look ill...well i dont think i do. I asked marnah "do i look ill thin? or just normal thin?" she looked at me as though i was insane...she said, "Mekah...you're a stick...your arms are as thin as my wrists, your collar bones show like anything...you look like you're going to die." then i looked at her with a confused look...everyone in my family thinks im going to die...i dont look that thin, i dont look like death warmed up! or do i? i have no idea anymore...when i look in the mirror even though ive lost weight i just see extreme weight GAIN...were am i losing it from if i look so much bigger?

as for my exercise...its increased to a level that even amazes me...at the end of the day i count up how many sit ups ive done...2000+, im also skipping alot...500+ skips all at once...and then i wounder why i feel so sore. every muscle in my body aches, every bone clicks and cracks when i walk...im just in constint pain.

ryan is really upset too, he doesnt want me to go...he says if i go itll put an extreme amount of stress on our relationship...but at this point...i dont really care, i dont know why though...i guess if my disorder stresses him so much then maybe hell be happier with someone "better?"...someone that has a job, is normal...has a life and doesnt lock herself up in her home all day cause shes so fucking scared of be stalked, raped, killed and then left in some gutter for the worms to eat! but....thats a different story...lol.

well im gonna go, the house is screaming to be cleaned and my body is screaming for more exercise...or my mind is screaming...i dunno...im so confused all the time...i cant tell if my mind is controlling me or i am or what...maybe its due to dehydration...water...weight gain....evil...no water....no wait gain....ill die...water, yes need water, but weight gain is evil...O_O....see what i mean?

I just got back from the murnong clinic, I have to up my dose of seriquil to 250mgs -_-...waaa. Anyway I now have a Case Worker person, they said I can either go to the clinic to talk to her when i need to or she can come to my house, but i chose to see her at the clinic as ryan wouldnt really like some stranger in the house without him being there.

Doctor Wong has sent off a referral to Austin and I'm now waiting for a phone call on wether I'm going or not, if im denied I'll then either look at something else or being referrd to a different place in melbourne...there is only ONE other place, forgot the name but the way the therapist (Dr Sadeep) talked about it, it seems it is alot worse then Austin as there is very few eating disorder people there.

But...i have something to look forward to! Next friday my case worker is taking me and a few other people out on a outing to ringwood lake...for a BBQ *pout* but itll be nice to get out of the house and meet new people...heck i might actually make some friends *gasp* lol.

I really hope Austin accepts me again...i have no other idea on how im going to "try" and recover...the only other option is a privet hospital...which costs a shit load more then my whole family could dig up...O_O. So if austin denies me i guess all theres left for me to do is continue doing what im doing, become even more ill, lose even more weight...until im accepted back in but if that happens itll make recover just that much harder.

and i wonder...how can i want so badly to go back to the place i fear so fucking much....yes, i dont know either lol...i guess i just feel round 2 would be better and that ill come out better and everything will just be...."better"

My oma and ryan have been talking alot on what to do with me...its confusing and very frustrating right now. There was one planning forming with my oma and ryan which was going to start next monday...Ryan would lock both the cupboard anf fridge and only leave out what i "need" for breakfast and then I would go over to my omas and have my meals there for the day and then when ryan comes back home from work i would go home and only have what he has for dinner....after dinner he would lock the bathroom door for 2 hours. This all seems harsh but its an attempt to stop me from b/ping. But i called up my oma this morning and told her i wasnt ready to leap into this...so i told her a different plan, i would go to austin and then when i get sent home again i would stay at my omas for a month and continue my meal plans there...as austin did help me rid myself of my b/p cycle but when i was sent home...it all went out the window as i found myself alone everyday, i had unlinited excess to the fridge and cupboards, toilet, scales...at my omas i want have that...

But the first plan frustrated ryan a little...as he would have to pay my oma money for the food i was to "eat" but already i had ideas of excaping that...she cant force me to eat after all, and unlike my week stay at my dads before i went into austin...im not afraid of my oma. when i stayd with my dad i gained almost 8kgs in that one week as my dad gave me really fatty food and i was too scared to say no, my dad tends to raise his voice and gets angry when he is frustrated.

Anyway...I'm back on seriquil, although i dont wanna take it as it causes weight gain...but at least my mind isnt shouting at me...i feel more calm. my exercise hasnt lowed any...increased more, im now also walking around the block alot...my weight is now 42kgs...i feel as if i have to lose as much as i can before i go to austin...i still feel like te other girls are going to laugh at me for being the biggest.

oh, funny story...this morning my oma called but my house phone was unplugged as i unplug it before going to bed at night. so for 3 hours she was trying to call but no answer...she got worried thinking i had died whilst purging, so she called my dad and he was getting ready to drive over to my place...when finally i had plugged the phone in and she got an answer...lol....everyone thinks im gonna just drop dead any day...ok so its not a funny story...i just dont see how ppl can look at me and think im a day away from death...like i still look healthy...i dont get it.