Yesterday morning I got ready for my dad to pick me up as he was going to take me to karate with him that night. It hit about 10am when my dad finally called, his first words were, "You're in trouble." my eyes widened as i tried to think of what i had done wrong...so i asked him why i was in trouble and he said, "Oma told me everything and that you're going back to Austin." He didnt sound angry, mostly upset and dissapointed. He then said, "I'm not angry, i just feel sorry for you." he then went on about how hell only visit me once a week when/if i got back. Which is good cause when he visted me nearly everyday last time it was just too much having to say good bye everyday. So i felt relifed after that, i didnt need to keep it a secret anymore but then things just seemed to go gown hill when my dad picked me up. In the car my dad said, "I want be seeing you at all in Austin, cause Wendy thinks it takes up too much of our time!" Wendy was in the fron next to him and she blasted out that that wasnt the truth at all, so my dad repeated what she said to him on the way to pick me up. She thinks itll be like last time, that dad and wendy would get no time to themselves cause itll be all wasted on visiting me and that im stealing him "my own dad" away from her. Then we arrived back at my dada place...it was a very icey feeling there...i felt like wendy hated me so fucking much...and i hadnt even done anything!

So my dad took me to omas and he went back home to sleep for a bit before karate. At omas i felt so guilty and depressed all i did was sit out side and chain smoke...i wanted to cry so badly but it was like i had no tears to cry. By about 4pm my oma came outside and asked if i was hungry, I shook my head and she went back inside...my dad came back, he stepped outside and saw me and then said, "It's all your fault! You dont thank wendy for anything! You just take and take and take!" Then he went back inside and talked to oma. I kept wondering why my dad was so upset with me! But deep down i knew he wasnt, he was angry at wendy again...but he didnt have to make me feel so bad.

By 6pm oma gave me a yogurt, dad wanted me to finnish it with in 10 minutes so we could go to karate...it took me 30mins to eat half of it, by that time my dad took it and threw it away, we then went to karate but i was told i couldnt join in as i wasnt well enough.

Things seemed to get better after that, the lesson was fun to watch although i really wanted to join in as i hadnt exercised at all that day. When the lesson was over my dad talked to the teacher and told him about my illness -_-'...which made me feel awkward but he was very understanding.

But to make everything better....when my dad dropped me off he said, "Dont think im angry or dissapointed in you, im very proud of you, you're a brave person...I just dont want you dying on me."

Natasha is alive! how dare those nurses tell me she died...like WHY?! O_O. i read in one of her entries that a day or two after i went home a guy almost cut some poor girls throat...i wonder if hell still be there?

Yesterday at mernong was kinda....confusing. They called my GP and hes reffering me again...so maybe with in the next week or two ill be getting a call from Austin. My blood test results came in and they are all stable, my potassium is back onto normal levels which is good. I still havent told my dad about me going back to Austin...gotta tell him soon thought.

My oma also just called, she asked if shed tell my dad about everything...i said yes as im a bit too scared...but i know hell just all me up later and blast me V_V. Later on today my dad is going to a karate lesson with marnah and ive been invited! i dont really wanna go though, my body is aching for some reason, my arms feel all heavy and my back hurts alot too.

oh! Maria also called me, she told me just a few dasy ago she woke up one morning with Scott (olg guy that thinks hes god) rubbing her leg!!! like WTF!!!! O_O''. I'm kinda thinking things havent changed in there, or have gotten worse since i last left...suddenly i feel really scared, like fuck, i dont wanna wake up to some creepy guy rubbing on my thigh! ill freak the fuck out! heck im already freaking out...

I'll update later, gotta get ready as my dad will be picking me up soon.

 Wendy and Oma took Marnah and me to the Maroonda club last saturday night, its kinda like a night club but you can ordr dinner there and listen to a live band. most of the people there were my omas age. It was alot of fun despite dinner. I orderd sweet chilli prawns and as Wendy and Oma went away for a moment i slipped half my prawns onto my Omas plate, then after i purged it all...the meal cost $20...and i ruined it all. I then started drinking...took me 4 wines, 2 breezers and 1 vodka to get me up and actually dance! and boy did i dance...lol. The next day when i got home i called up my oma and told her, i started crying...why couldnt i just enjoy the meal? all i could think about was going to the toilet to purge, the whole night was consumed by that, even after i had started drinking in hopes to relax.

Yesterday was spent doubling my exercise to make up for the night, ryan didnt even look at me...my oma called and i could here what he was saying...he said something about be very scared for me...-_-.

Anyway...my dad still doesnt know that i might be admitted again...i dont even wanna know how hell react when he finds out. In about 2 hours ill be going to Mernong to find out some more info...

I also weighed myself...44kgs...i wonder how much i can lose before i get admitted again...if i get admitted, but i guess how can they turn me away if i continue to lose weight?

So i took a pic...im weighing my pj top so dont laugh...lol

eh, anyway i look...gross...but i gotta go, ill update when i get back or tomorrow.
Oh...and by the way....this pic here...looks like NATASHA!!!!!! from austin!! is it her?!?! i swear it is...this means she has xanga...i remember putting this pic in my xanga file ages ago...so if anyone knows her xanga please tell me...i have a feeling the nurses were lying about her death and she still lives!!! NATASHA ARE YOU OUT THERE?!?! O.O

p.s...if you see this tasha....can we swop legs for like...5 mins lol XD

~*13th, Saturday, Janurary*~

Can I be your boyfriend?

I just had my breakfast, I could only finnish less then half of it, it's a little hard for me today. Then I went outside for a smoke, Scott and Hesan (weirdo guy) was there. As I was walking around Hesan asked me to suck his dick! I said no and was going to tell the nurse but then Scott asked if he could be my boyfriend, I said no and that I'b be seeing my boyfriend today. That almost gave Hesan a heart attack, haha. Then he said he was going to kill him but I don't think so. I'ts only another two hours till Ryan comes to see me! Weee! Haha.
Just had my morning tea, my disorder would only allow me to have half even though it had only 100 calories in it. I'm still wating for Ryan, he should hopfully be here soon.
Ryan arrived just when I had my Valium, so I was a bit doped up but it was ok. Then we went outside for a smoke, we both sat down and talked, we both hugged alot and kissed, I felt so happy. Then my lunch time came along and I was given a Xanax! So then I was really out of it. As I ate my lunch Ryan spoke to a nurse to see what was going on with me. As for my lunch I had 4 tiny cheese sandwhiches and a small apple juice, I couldn't finnish the last tiny sandwhich as my disorder wouldn't let me. So then Ryan showed up and we went out for a smoke, both Melony and Micheal which are both skits were fighting. And seeing I was so drugged up I started laughing at it and so Micheal (shes huge and could snap me in half!) started yelling at me and saying she'd kill me! So I went inside and got a nurse, then everything calmed down. Soon enough Ryan had to go as we were both very tired, I might go out for a smoke and then lay down for a bit.
I just had my afteroon tea, I could only eat half of my yogurt, I'm having alot of trouble with my meals for some reason. I also found out that when I was sleeping before my Oma called but I was too tired to talk so maybe she'll call me later. So anyway, after my afternoon tea I went out for a smoke (which I'm about to do, hopfully fat ass Micheal wont be there) and then I made myself a black coffee (no lite milk again) and then I was going to use the computer but Amanda was there. So i sat down with my coffee till I got a phone call from my Dad. He said he spoke to Ryan, Ryan was blown away by this place, haha. Anyway, he is going to visit me tomorrow and he's bringing Marnah! Dad also got me alot of stuff to keep me busy. Can't wait to see Marnah, I havn't seen her in ages! I also have to give my Dad my centrelink notice as it is due next Tuesday, hope I don't forget! We'll I'm off to have my millionth smoke.
I just had my dinner, I couldn't finnish it all and I still ate too slow, there was; one slice of bread, 2 servings og veggies and a large veggie quish. I only ate the slice of bread, half my veggies and less then half my quish, I'm not feeling too well...I feel gross. After dinner I had a smoke and then paced around a bit, I was then going to have a coffee but the coffee stand was closed, so I'll have to wait till after my supper. I was also going to go onto the computer but Amanda was there again, so I just sat down and waited whilst playing with my Tamagotchi. Right now I'm going to have a smoke (I'm gonna get lung cancer soon lol) and then laze around in the lounge or have a nap.
Alot of shit just went down with my supper, the doctor didn't give me any Valium or Xanax so I ended up crying, I was too scared to eat it all even though it was just 4 crackers and a slice of cheese. I only ate half the cheese and four crackers till I cried and went outside. I ended up cutting my left arm with a safty pin that I had on my jacket (nurse missed those) and also wrist banged my right wrist so now there is going to be a huge bruise. I was going to call my Dad but the phone was busy so I went onto MSN and chatted to Ryan, he made me feel alot better. Well it's almost 12am so I'm going to ask for a sleeping pill as theres no way I can sleep I'm not having a shower tonight, my mind says I don't deserve to be clean on the outside as I'm too dirty on the inside. Hopfully when my Dad and Marnah visit I'll cheer up a bit more.
Back, just for a bit. I asked the nurse for a sleeping pill as I'm way too stressed to sleep and she gave me a Valium. So "now" I get the Valium which I really needed before and now all the damage has been done! I also measured my thighs before. A week ago they were 19" round and now they are 18.5", so maybe I've lost weight or maybe its just all toned up from the pacing. Well I'm off to bed now, I got to get my arm wamrers back off Natasha for when Marnah and dad visits tomorrow, don't want them to see the "damage".

That night was probably one of the most stressful. I scratched "fat" into my arm and slammed my wrist on a metal bench outside...it got all swollen and was purpleish blue for about 4 days. I felt like, no matter how hard i tried to eat my meals I just couldnt do it and all i could do was cry...it was more then frustrating, it was depressing and emotionally draining...I felt like such a weakling and could only gather up enough energy to cry like a helpless baby! -_-'''. I didnt get it at all, at home I binged all the time and never cried over a cracker...but in there my ED was turned up on full blast and even the littlest of things made me wanna die right then and there. But despite all that...i was getting a tiny bit better everyday...even though i couldnt see it at the time.

Ryan came home very stressed yesterday, he had alot of problems at work and to top it off he now knows im back into my old ways...well...i never really changed. So because of me hes that much more stressed. I didnt eat at all yesterday...and i havent eaten anything today...not like there is much to eat anyway as ive eating and purged it all...yes $250 worth of food, 1 box of weet-bix, 1 box of cornflakes, 9 liters of milk, 6kgs of sugar, 6 loafs of bread, 4 liters of juice, 12 grilled fish, 24 small tubs of yogurts, 12 necturines, 12 apples, 2 cucumbers, 2 liters of sauce and about 3kgs of ham....all 90% i ate within 4 days...and now suddenly...my binge side has become silent...is as empty as the cupboards.

weight: 45kgs...and dropping.

I want to weigh 44kgs the next time i get weighed...if the doctor sees im losing weight...i might get referrd...am i the only one with a ED that wants to be admitted?? O_O

Last night ryan was saying he didnt want me to be admitted, he said the place was making me worse, he said the time he came to visit i looked so thin and ill and so out of it from the meds it scared the shit out of him...and at that moment in time a scary thought popped up..."i was actually losing weight pretty fast in there." it was like a light bulb lit up...its not that i wanna go cause i know ill lose weight, i can easily lose weight were i am...but the thought of knowing i looked "ill" made me smile inside...is that wrong? ryan then said i look alot healthier now...even tho i only weigh 1 kg more...that there made me feel huge! why is it that when someone calls me healthy my mind filters it down to"fat"? I want to get better, but i want to stay "ill looking"...and now that i think about it, if only 50% of me wants to get better and 50% of me wants to lose weight and be all ill and skeletal...then recovery isnt going to work will it...i can eaily find myself sneeking past the nurses, into my room, purge, do sit ups and walk out as though i never left to go to my room. And i can also see myself getting up at insane hours of the night to exercise as alot of people were awake at 2-4am still.

But...i have to at least "try"...what else can i do? continue on the way i am for the next 3 yrs...if i make it that long...heck i could die from a ruptured stomach anyday, or my heart can just stop as my potassium is dropping all the time...it now sits at 2.8...heart rate 80/60. which both cant be too good for me.

anyway, ill update again...gotta go and attend to a few things...take one good guess what those are...-_-...

some people do this for a sence of control...i do it cause I AM controlled.

I'm back

My oma just called, she said she called up Mernong and told them everything i told her yesterday, so then they called my doctor and then called my oma back saying my doctor is going to call up Austin and talk to them...so when dr wong finds out some info he is either going to call me or my oma. My oma told me not to tell my dad anything so i asked, "What if Austin accepts me and i gotta go back in, i cant just not tell him...hell explode!" so then she said, "Just wait till you're packed and ready then see if ryan can take you and if he cant then tell dad but if he can ill tell him." O___O...either way if i get accepted my dad is gonne be furiouse. I also told her it would be best if i do go in that my dad doesnt visit me as much...as i can clearly remember it was very hard seeing him nearly everyday only to say good bye 2 hours later. I think for the first week i have no visitors, cause i feel everytime i have a visitor i wanna go home that much more.

I'll be making another update today with another entry from my austin diary...i just wanted to get a few thoughts out, which is why everything is all over the place lol...my mind is buzzing at 1000km/h haha. I also called up Maria before...shell be leaving Austin soon, which makes me sad, I was hoping shed still be there a while if i go back in...that way i know a friendly person will be there with me...but im also happy she is leaving, the poor thing has been there 33 days...its about time she went home...although i have a feeling shell be there a bit longer, she didnt look healthy, still very thin but im guessing it goes on how "mentally" healthy you are before you leave...in which case...it seems shes almost fully recoverd, shes accepted herself...i wonder how that feels to wake up and look forward to the day, to look in the mirror and smile at your own beauty, to go for a walk and not be afraid of what people are thinking of you, or to walk just to get out for fresh air and not just for the sole perpose of bburning calories. Maria also said two new ED patients had been admitted, both are extremely thin and both have seriouse phycosis problems. One slams her head into walls whilst the other has to eat with plastic forks cause she stabs her arm when she eats. Knowing there are two new very thin patients makes me feel uneasy, what if they laugh at me...but i mustn think this way, it didnt happen last time...im sure it wouldnt happen this time?

Well im gonna make another update with the diary now.

Ever since i got out of Austin i knew i wasnt better and a small part of me knew leaving that place how ever awful it was...was a bad bad mistake. I regret it so much and now it seems its gonna be a little harder getting back in. For the last 3 or so weeks I've been wanting to tell Ryan, oma my dad...everyone that hey...im not better, im not doing ok, im not how you think i am. but as all of you that have a ED know....we are very very good at making people believe what we want them to believe...and ive come to relise that not only am i amazingly good at LYING but im also too sneeky for my own good. Faking smiles is easy yet painful, and covering up when i purge as become easier and easier, if i flush the toilet and not all of it went, then i just roll off some toilet paper and cover it so it looks like the toilet didnt flush the toilet paper. After dinner (i hate a large dinner with ryan to show that i am eat), i say, "im going to have a shower now" and we all know what happens in the shower. All i have to do is remove the drain cover, purge and replace it making sure i left nothing on the shower floor.

But...its gotten out of hand mentally, i can keep pretending but its draining me and making me more and more depressed having to fake myself all the time. for three weeks ive wanted to tell ryan but was scared, wanted to tell dad but was scared hed yell at me and call me a "head case", scared to tell oma just in case shed tell dad. But today as i met my oma to go see the doctor i told her...i said, "I met maria yesterday, she said the Austin has changed alot...i havent gotten better." which then led onto me saying i should go back...i told her everything and she also agreed and would be best for me to go back. So we both told the doctor but because of the way i left (my dad yelling and abusing the doctors) they arnt really going to welcome me back with open arms. So...next monday I'm going to Mernong (Therapist in east ringwood), I'm going to also tell them...but Dr Wong said they would probably give me a "routine" and if i continue to lose weight then i "might" be referrd. so...it all come back down to my weight...even though i now weigh 45.5kgs...about 1.5kgs more then when i got out of Austin in which i have every inention of losing again...i weigh too much to be referrd and am in no great danger of dying...i feel like im back to square one again...were i felt i wasnt ill enough for help and the only way to get back into that shit hole is to lose more weight. V_V'''.

Ryan also called about 15mins ago, he wanted to me to clean up the couch i used to sleep on as he is giving it away to a mate at work. I told him we needed to "talk"...he asked about what but i didnt wanna say and upset him whilst he worked. So i said i wasnt doing to well and i might have to go back to Austin...he didnt sound too pleased but was happy i told him although upset that i didnt tell him sooner.

As for my dad...he is pretty much the only one that doesnt know...for a good reason too. this morning my dad picked me up to take me to my omas and on the way to her house he started talking about me getting a job and that if i didnt id end up the way i was "before" and ill end up back in the loony farm (Austin) with all the fuck heads. He also said hed be extremely fucking angry if he had to drive me all the way back there and watch me go through all that shit again. But really...if i cant go back what other place is there? its either that or i slowly die...which would he prefer i wonder? me going through hell to finally get better? or going through my own hell and slowly dying...

Anyway...again no austin diary update, im kinda guessing not many of you are interested anyway lol. i have to go and clean....sit ups...you know the drill.

Today i want be posting a Austin entry...I'll probably continue tomorrow as I have very little time to type.

Anyway...my bulimia has reached its peak again...for the last couple of days ive been thinking about going back to Austin but i always stop and think, "No...that place is too scary." but then again...what "other" place is there in melbourne?! no where...like sure theres a few outpatient places...but OP will def not work for me...i was actually getting better in Austin...as i didnt have unlinited access to a fridge i couldnt binge...so my b/p cycle was broken, i figure if i was to stay there...i could have been loads better by now...

about 3 hours ago i went for a walk to mitchem to buy food to replace the food i ate so ryan wouldnt get angry <_<. i was at the crossing light opposite to safeway were i was going to shop when suddenly...i started to think of Maria, Maria was one of the girls in Austin. She weighed about 40kgs, asian, 18yrs, 5'1 and was the only other bulimic besides me...we could relate alot. She lived in Mitchem and i lived one km away from her, she told me she would go to mc donalds just 2 houses away from me to buy her binge food, whilst i would go to safeway about 6 houses away from her to buy my binge food lol...i bet we would of passed each other a few time XD. Anyway...as i enterd Safeway...strangely enough, there she was with her mum! At first i wasnt sure it was her, she looked rather thin, has some tape on the inside of her elbow signifing a blood test, i had forgotten her name and wasnt sure it was her so i sorta hoverd around her to see if she would reconise me lol. After about 10-15 mins of stalking her and passing her she looked at me and was like, "Mekah!!!" and i was like, "Its...you!!" lol. We started talking, she said Austin has changed alot, most of the girls had left after Natasha died...but support programs just for EDs are starting...she asked if i had gotten better...i said, "no...not at all." She told me i should come back and that i was the only person that made her feel safe there.

So...i dont know...i do want to go back and i dont...but im going fuckin nuts inside...not sure how to explain it, im just so sick to death of doing 1200+ sit ups a day, b/ping 6+ times a day and a new routine consisting of waking up at exactly 2am (i set a silent alarm) just so i can do MORE sit ups in the bathroom...i swear, if i dont get better soon....I'm gonna step out on to a free way and let a truck take my pain away...so it want look like suicide but id be dead in either case....I NEED HELP O_O...and i cant do it alone, i cant do it at my dads, at my omas, in OP...only in IP with a proper support program and counceling....

So tomorrow ill be seeing my GP and im gonna talk to him about it and ask to reffer me again...

oh and as for wendys tumor....its actually really bad, its the size of a large grape and is growing on a nerve near her ear. shell be getting it cut out in about a month, they are gonna take fat from her belly and put it in her head to fill the gap when the take the tumor out, there is a risk of her face being paralized, stroke or even death. she also has to give up smoking as that is causeing the tumor to grow...i really hope everything turns out well.

So, i really would like some comments on wether i should go back to Austin...I'm scared and uncertain, i wanna go but i dont, if i dont ill die or kill myself, if i do im scared to...why wont my head just shut the fuck up and leave me alone for once?

Last night my dad called up, he was drunk and his first words were, "I'm really upset!" you see one of wendys friends called up and my dad answerd, he then started singing making a joke and wendys friend having no sence of humor hung up. wendy got really upset and so my dad called...he was going to leave again. and al the while im thinking, "Why me?" like...what sort of advice could a person like me give? im no dr phil, i can hardly manage my own problems! but oh well...anyway, how does everyone like my new layout? ^.^ I added it to my layout site which hasnt been updated in forever, might make another one soon. so...another austin diary update!

~*12th, Friday, Janurary*~

~*Family Meeting*~

I just had my breakfast, I finnished most of it just not all the milk and I'm still eating too slow! But I'm trying. After that I went outside for a smoke and was going to brush my teethwhich I'm going to do soon but my phych nurse  came into my room and told me she wanted to talk about my "prgress". I think at about 10am my Dad, Wendy and Oma are coming to see me for this family meeting, it'll be interesting although I don't want them to see me all drugged up so I might have a nap.
I just saw my Dad and Oma, they came in at about morning tea time. Oma bought me little lollypop suprises, they come with a toy but I can't have the lollypops she also bought me a huge packet of starburst lollies which I wasn't allowed to have. I was half way through my morning tea which was a small yogurt and my disorder told me I wasn't allowed to have anymore so my Dad saw me struggleing and he sat down with me and helped me through the last half. A nurse also told my Dad and Oma about my condition, Dad cried a little but was happy to have finally found out what was wrong. Dad also bought me a tamagotchi and a pack of much needed smokes! The tamagotchi is awsom! You can make friends with other peoples tamagotchis, I might try with Natasha's later. I then got to talk to my phych nurse, she was pretty nice, she just wanted to know more about my background. Tomorrow hopfully Ryan will come to see me, I'm a bit nervouse of how he might react to what the nurse has to tell him, hopfully he wont leave me for being a complete loony! Well right now I'm going to take out the toys from the lollypops and hand in the actual candy and then I'm going to head down to the computer room.
I just had my afternoon tea, I couldn't finnish it all. A new gu has just come in, he keeps looking at me and hangs around Scott alot. I then had my blood pressure taken, its gone up which is good but still could be better. I'm now going off the Valium and going on Xanax instead, hope it doesn't cause weight gain...my first question in anything new I take. The lolly pops have been locked up in my safe, so it's all good. I'm still excited to see Ryan tomorrow but at the same time I'm nervouse. Well it's nearly 4pm, 1 hour till dinner, I better ev myself up! Haha, so I'm going to have my millionth smoke!
I just had my dinner, I felt a little scared before hand so the xanax did nothing for me, maybe I'll give it a few days and if I keep needing the Valium then I'll just ask to go off the Xanax completely. I finnished most of my dinner, I just didnt finnish one of my veggie pasties, there was three but the voices wouldn't let me. So after I was going to have a smoke, which I did and then a coffee but the coffee stand was closed, it'll be open again at 7pm so I'll have one after my supper. Hopfully if the computer room is free I'll chat to Ryan as he gave me his e-mail last night. Right now, I'm putting together the lollypop toys and then I'll head off for my smoke as it is nearly supper time.
I just had my supper, and half way through a smoke my Dad called. The converstation started out ok until I asked how long they'll be keeping me in here for, he said four to five weeks! I don't want to be here that long! Which probably means I can't sign myself out. Anyway, I'm waiting for the computer room to be free so I can chat to Ryan, hope he doesn't dump me for being a skitzo!
I just chatted to Ryan on MSN, he's really angry at the doctors he doesn't want me to stay here for five weeks. I'm upset too, but he isn't angry at me which is good. Ryan said he got me something for when I get out, I want to know what it is but he wont tell me! Oh well, it'll be a suprise. I can't sleep, so I got the nurse to give me some Valium. So I'm going to finnish making the rest of the lollypop toys, have a shower and then try to sleep again.

 That was a pretty stressful day, during my whole stay my dad cried more then me...he cried as he left but i never once shed any tears whilst my dad was there...only when he left i let the buckets flow. I knew my dad was crushed by were i was so i didnt want him to feel worse by seeing me cry. He also gave me a cut out of my star sign from the news paper...its pretty amazing what it said;

Aries
What so you weigh? You will not find the true answer to this question by standing on the scales. They can only measure the physical load you are carrying and this is all but irrelevant. Why should you even be remotely interested in the shape and size of your body when the shape and size of your mind means so much more? Yet in your mind now you are carying one burden too many and this is slwoing you down and robbing you of precious levity. It is time to free yourself from this.

I almost cry everytime I read that..its kinda freaky no? My eyes just about popped out of my head when i first read it...for the first time my start sign made sence...so so true...i just wish it was a little easier to free myself from all this.

Anyway, i gotta go, my dad is picking me up soon, we're going to the melbourne hospital for a doctor to check on wendys tumor again...so ill prolly update again tomorrow.

It was so hot yesterday, 31 degrees and its gonna be even hotter this weekend! Rya and i were going to go to a market this weekend...but i dont think we're going anymore as itll be to hot for anything. Yesterday afternoon caitlyn dropped by, dunno why, i think she just wanted an excuse to drive her new car lol. I'm amazed that she got her Ps, i remember in yr 8 she couldnt even spell "rat"...and now shes driving a car! i always remind her of that cause she always feels like shes "dumb" and cant do anything...i always say, "Cat, a while ago you were struggleing to spell and read...and now look, you're driving a CAR!" she smiles and her whole face lights up ^.^. Anyway, still nothing to do today, gonna be hot again...So, time for another Austin entry ^.^.

~*11th, Thursday, Janurary*~

You're not that skinny

I just had my breakfast, I didn't cry and finnised it all but now I feel overly bloated. After I went outside and Scott started to talk to me, he asked what I was in for and I told him I was in for an eating disorder and he said I wasn't that skinny, that made me feel so huge! I'm not talking to him anymore! So now I feel like shit even thought I've had my valium and Sarequil. Ryan now I'm waiting for a nurse to take my blood pressure and I got one hour till morning tea, I'm not looking forward to it.
I just had my morning tea, took a while to finnish, right now I'm talking to my Dad, he bought me a tamagotchi! He's bringing it in tomorrow, I hope it's the same as Natashas. Well it's nearly lunch time so I better go.
I just had my lunch, it was four small tirangle shaped cheese sandwhiches, I found it hard to eat but I got through it. Then I walked around a bit in the yard whilst smoking in an attempt to exerciseeven though it was hot. my blood pressure is a little low, 100/60, could be better the nurse said, maybe it'll be better next time, I wonder how my brain scan turned out.
At about 2:30pm Oma called and talked to me, a nurse almost sent me to my room cause I was falling asleep on the phone! Then I had my afternoon tea, it was a huge yogurt, I wanted a small one but I wasn't allowed! I don't know why, I'm the biggest and yet I'm the only one that isn't allowed the smaller yogurts, all the other girls get to have them! And the're the ones that actually "need" to gain weight! Anyway, I ate most of the yogurt but left just under half, the nurse didn't notice as he walked off before I could even finnish. So then I went outside but couldn't stay long as some idiot was playing loud music, so then I made myself a black coffee (no lite milk again) and was going to go into the computer again to use the computer but Scott was there so now I'm in my room. I have a little over an hour till dinner, I hope the meal isn't too big, I already feel overly bloated.
It's about 15 minutes till dinner, not looking forward to it, I'm so dopped up, I struggle to look at my food let alone eat it. I can hear cracking noises in my wall, maybe its mice but the building is new, might tell the nurse...hope it isn't just in my mind. I'm really thirsty but I'm scared to drink cause I'll gain water weight  or feel bloated. Well I have to go now, nurse is going to call me anyway.
I just had my dinner, I did ok this time seeing I got my Valium 30 minutes before my meal just I couldn't finnish it all. I had; 2 small bites of pumpkin, half my veggies, and 3/4 of my tuna, so I did ok I think. After I went out for a smoke which I'm about to do again but I couldn't stay long as the music was still playing! So I went inside and had another black coffee (no lite milk again!) and then headed off to the computer room were it was quiet. Then by 6:30pm I went back to my room and did some sit ups as it relaxes me. So right now I'm going to have a smoke (I smoke alot in here), hopfully Scott want be there, he keeps wanting me to sit down next to him but I don't want to! So from now on I'm ignoring him, he hurt my feelings this morning and that was his first and last chance so fuck it!
I'ts almost supper time, so before I had a smoke and the stupid music wasn't playing. I'm starting to feel so distant from everyone or maybe they are distancing themselves from me! Oh well, I don't really care. Before I was going to go into the computer room but Amanda was there so maybe after supper.
I had my supper and finnished it, I almost cried cause some guy walked passed and called us stupid. When I was finnished I went out for a smoke and then made myself a coffee, then I headed into the computer room but I was only there for 10 minutes when my Dad called. He asked if Ryan had called, I said no which left me wondering a bit.  So after i went back into the computer room but again had to leave after 10 minutes cause Ryan called! I told him about the place and what all the crazy people do and he was like,  "Oh my god!" haha. I also told him the directions on how to get here, I'm excited to see him on Saturday, I'm also excited to see my Dad tomorrow, it's going to be weird cause it's a family meeting, I wonder what the doctors will say about me infront of them! Anyway I just had my sleeping pill and a shower which has left me very tired and itchy! I think it's the soap, it's so annoying! Going to bed now, if the itchyness will let me!

By this time I had thought up a strict routine, after my meals I would do 4-6 laps of the yard whilst smoking, go inside to make myself a coffee, go onto the computer for 20 minutes then head to my roomto do roughly 300 sit ups even though I had to wait for an hour before going back to my room the nurses never really noticed me slipping back to my room. As I did this the other girls seemed to copy me...I have to admit knowing I could slip back to my room without the nurses noticeing did make purging very tempting...and I'd think some of the other girls did purge as the toilets became blocked alot. My routine became so time consuming it's all i ever thought about...and when we had group meetings i wouldnt go cause my "routine" came first...i secretly didnt want my dad or ryan to visit as much as it stuffed up my routine. and as you can all i see...i smoked alot lol. I probably had up to 30 cigs a day...I ended up with a bad throat infection were i could hardly talk for a few days.
So that was my entry...hope you all enjoyed it, might update laters.

Ipurged this morning...first time in over a month, weirdly enough my gag reflex has become overly sensitive...i hope my face doesnt get all pudgy...i dont want to start purging again...also the thought of laxatives are creeping back...but they tought me a very good lesson near the end of my stay at Austin as youll all find out soon enough...all i can say now is "paaiiin" >.<...anyway...another entry from my Austin Diary.

~*10th, Wednesday, Janurary*~

Crying

I couldn't finnish my breakfast this morning, I just cried again. Then after I had to get my blood pressure taken and then get weighed I now weigh 50.9kgs! I keep gaining weight! So I'm going to get weighed again tomorrow before my meals, I hope I weigh a little less at least.
A nurse just took my little mirror away as it was a threat, I asked her to lock it up as I'm feeling really depressed and feel I might start cutting. I'm also being taken off my Cipramil and going on a anti-phycosis drug called Sarequil! I asked if it can cause weight gain and they said yes, I don't want to gain weight! I'm already big enough!
I just had a brain scan done, I don't know why, I think all the girls have got it done. Natasha said she had some mild damage to her brain due to starving...I wonder how mine turned out. I then had to sit down for my snack, I cried again but managed to finnish it, I have to get weighed again tomorrow...I keep repeating in my head. It's getting warm but I'm scared to wear my shorts as I look fat in them, I might wear my dress as it covers my legs. I think a new eating disorder girl is being admitted today, she looks so much thinner them me so yet again I'm the biggest. The nurses also said I'm not allowed to pace around as it's a form of exercise, so they are always watching me. I feel so emotional, it's such a pain, I can't even force myself to smile, I just feel like everyone is laughing at me.
I just called Oma, she said she wanted to take me home yesterday but knew that she couldn't, it broke her heart to see me walking down the hallway with my arms open and tears in my eyes. She also said Dad is going to drop in on Friday, hope he gets me a tamagotchi, it might cheer me up. Later I might call Ryan and get his e-mail so I can chat to him. The nurse gave me more Valium for my anxiety, I wonder if I'm getting hooked on them. Well I'm going to roll some more smokes and then lay down, might have a coffee I don't know I just find that life right now is easier sleeping.
I just had my afternoon tea and I cried "again" but finnished most of it but not all even though it was only a small yogurt, dinner is pretty soon and I'm already scared. I wonder when I'm goingon my new anti-phycosis drug, that might help me out a bit. I've noticed my writting has become alot messier, probably due to the valium...it's just all over the place.
I had my dinner and actually I didn't cry but in half an hour is supper, I'm feeling really nervouse. Just before I went out for a smoke and saw Melony yelling at her own reflection as though it was someone else! Then she was telling me where to sit, so I went back inside, Scott then asked for my start sighn but before I could answer a doctor injected him with something and was brought to his room. I hope I don't cry at supper, I hate crying it make me so tired. I'm going to ask the nurse for another painkiller, I keep getting really bad headaches.
I just had my supper, I didn't cry but the nurse went away for a moment and i quickly hid two crackers in my tin so when I was finnshed I went outside and threw them away, only then did I cry. I also got my new anti-phycosis drug, the nurse said it can cause weight gain but maybe they'll help me not care about that, well I hope at least they'll stop me not cry as much. Right now I have a black coffee as they did not have any lite milk and now I'm going to head down to the computer room.
My Dad just called, he said something about a plan and that he's going to get me a real good tamagotchi next time he visits. So, I'm going to have a shower and go to bed, the Sarequil makes me so tired...I hope I don't fall asleep in the bathroom!

I was taking up to four 5g Valium tablets, two 5g Xanax tablets, 200g of Seraquil in the morning, 500g of Seraquil at night and a sleeping pill which i can't remember the name at about 11pm...I had to keep writting in my diary every few hours otherwise I'd forget what happend...even now I look back and can only remembers tiny bits of my stay.
Anyway, I'm still on myspace waiting to talk to Angie, dont think shes going to be online today...got nothing to do today...besides sit ups...maybe ill also go for a walk...dunno yet...i hope you all enjoy my Austin diary entries! ^.^...I'll update again later.