Ryan forgot again this year that it was Valentines day...but i dont really care...i said happy valentines day to Angie and she loves me back so its all good.

Well first things first...I'm going to start off with the second entry from my Austin Diary:

~*9th, Tuesday, Janurary*~

Weight Gain

I've just been woken up by a nurse, I had to strip down and wear a hospital gown so i could get weighed. My weight, 50.3kgs! I've gained so much! I feel so gross, I dont want to eat at all today....all the other girls are so thin. "They" are actually underweight. I feel so obese in here. I'm always walking around trying to burn off calories, i must look insane!
I just had my breakfast, I only ate a low-fat yogurt, 110ml of orange juice and a few slices of peach. After i went outside and had a smoke and this hooded black guy came up to me and asked me to roll him a smoke, so i did. Then he asked me if i smoked pot or ice in which i replied, "No." So then he said he'd get me some, I just said, "ok." Just so he'd leave me alone, so NOW he keeps calling me "sister" or worse "girlfriend"...scary. So after we had a group meeting to discuss a few things, I'm also still waiting to see my diet person to sort out my meals. Dad and Wendy are going to the Radiolody place today which is located in the main Austin hospital just down the road to me, I hope they'll visit.
Well I just spoke to the diet person, she wrote out my meal plans so hopfully they'll stop serving me huge meals! Gah! Theres ants everywhere! Anyway, no word from Wendy and Dad, I want them to come see me! I also had a blood test done and talked to the doctor my weight gain, he said i actually "lost" weight, good? But what will it be next time? Theres got to be an ants nest somewhere here, going to talk to the nurses about that.
My Dad, Oma and Wendy just dropped by! A nurse opend my door and i was half asleep from the meds they gave me but what fully woke me up was the sound of my dads voice down my hall way. I crawled out of bed and poked my face slightly out of my door...i saw them and slowly i walked down my hallway with my arms open...i cried as i wrapped my arms around my Dad. My Dad asked why i was crying, all i could say was, "I thought you werent going to see me!" My Dad hugged me back and laughed a little, we then all went outside for a smoke, Dad also got me some toothpaste which i forgot to bring. We all talked for a while, i kept stroking my hair...i guess it relaxed me but my dad told me to stop it. Till sadly they had to leave, i followed them to the front door and watched them walk away, i then went back to my room and cried a little...I wish i could go home. Anyway Dad said he'd drop by again on Sunday and Oma is going to give Ryan the number to call me, I hope he calls, i want him to visit too...I miss him. So I'm going to lay down a bit till meal time.
I was sleeping before but a nurse woke me up and told me i wasn't allowed to sleep, so i got up and had a smoke whilst walking around. Thne this guy named Scott walked up to me and called me a human angel then kissed my hand, he had custard on his mouth! EWWW! So then i went inside and my Dad called! Yeay! Afterwards i found out Ryan was trying to call me but the line was always busy. So here i am now trying to call Ryan off a doctors cell phone but the phone keeps saying it's busy! I really want to call him.
I just called Ryan, he's going to see me on Saturday, hope i don't cry but i'm very excited to see him. I also asked my Dad to buy me a Tamagotchi like Natasha has, it'll keep my mind busy.
I just had supper but i couldn't finnish it, there was only 4 small crackers and a slice of cheese. I managed to eat 2 crackers and half the slice of cheese but then i just broke down and cried! I've never felt that scared to eat before, I hope i dont get into trouble. Maybe tomorrow I'll do better, right now I'm going to have a coffee and try to calm down a little, I hate crying in front of people, I feel like they are all laughing at me.
It's about 12:30am right now, so a nurse gave me a sleeping pill to help me with my insomnia, so i got to make this quick so i dont pass out whilst writting!
After my last upsetting meal i had found out that there is a computer that has the internet on it! So i gotta get Ryans email so i can chat to him! After i went and talked to Natasha for a while but this skitzo woman named Melony called me greedy and ugly just cause i was listening to this story Natasha was telling me, so that upset me a little, so we bot went outside for a smoke and continued talking. Then a nurse came out and told us it was bedtime, so here i am, I'm going to go brush my teeth then listen to my mp3 player whilst looking at some pictures of Angie, my Dad, Oma and Scratchy till i fall asleep.

This was actually a short entry. Anyway, i have alot to do today, i have to go to Eastland and buy a few things then i have to catch up on my sit ups...im doing 1000+ sit ups a day now...maybe thats why ryan isnt talking to me that much...oh well...anyway, if i still have enough time when i get home...ill update again...if not ill update again tomorrow with another Austin diary entry. 

I'm back...today is hot! i bought myself a few things, yogurt (low fat of cause), a new tamagotchi lol, soy chips and some flowers...im pretending ryan got them for me ^_^...V_V...lol...its kinda depressing...i was walking around at eastland and saw all these flowers with lilttle "i love you" balloons on them, and young couples exchanging gifts and kissing...i sighed a little and wished ryan was more like that...why cant he be more...."romantic" O_O'...but hes like "im too old for that." BAH...sure hes turning 31 but still! people in their 60s can still be romantic -_-'...oh well. Anyway...i forgot to buy bread and milk but i havent got much money left over and i was supposed to put some away for my ticket fine! a while ago i got on a train without buying a ticket seeing i was only one stop away and i got cought! for not buying a $2.50 ticker i got in return...$150 fine...O_O eck...i still got about $110 to pay and its due on April 3rd...-_-'...

Anyway, ryan isnt gonna be home soon, so im gonna go clean up and then buy that darn milk and bread!

I've been wanting to update for ages but i wanted to update with "good" news but seems everyday has been shit for me. My Austin diary story has been deleted seeing Ryan formatted the computer and didnt ask me if i wanted my stuff on it, so I'm just going to copy and paste what I've written in my diary. My whole motivation with gaining weight and getting better has gone down the toilet...even though i don't binge or purge anymore, i just seem to be eating alot less and exercising to the point of nearly passing out, you see i was doing fine at 44kgs...i actually thought i looked ok but then i started gaining weight and now weigh 46kgs...i feel fucking HUGE and just want to lose the weight again. I told this to my oma a few days ago but in return she later told my dad that i was depressed and am now on my anti-depressants again, he later called me and started yelling at me calling me a head case and that i should go back to Austin. And Ryan is also getting pissed off cause all he sees me doing is sit ups...i do about 200 sit ups every hour on the hour, i would jog as well but leaving the house scares me...as weird as that sounds.

And then theres Wendy...She still has the tumor in her head and now also has a blockage in her intestines...so i dont want to complain to my dad or worry him with my problems seeing he already has alot to deal with. And then to top it off, my dad is trying to lose weight so he has all these weightloss books around and now is buying low calorie foods...my mind quickly thinks, "I must lose more then him." like its a competion! Even thought i weigh 46kgs and am cleary underweight...my dad is my hight but weighs 90kgs and is bordering on obese! He could easily lose 30kgs and still look healthy...but if i lost more then 30kgs id def be dead...but my disorderd mind just thinks, "you can do it...you have to beat him." heh...maybe i do belong back in austin with all the mental cases.

Oh wait...that doesnt top it off...Natasha, one of my close friends in Austin...died in her sleep last week...she had been in Austin for 5 weeks and seeing the nurses didnt watch any of us after meals most of us either exercised in our rooms or purged...i did both and im sure most of them did too but natasha was so thin I think her heart just couldnt take it...I didnt really get to know her that well...but she was the most caring and supportive girl there, she held my hand at meals when i cried, played her guitar to me at 2am when i couldnt sleep and even showed me how to apply make-up...she was only 18...ill miss her.

I'll be making another update later...

This week has been crazy! i was hoping to just stay home and do nothing but it turned into a rollercoster ride! Moday my first day home was spent driving everywhere to get my new meds (new meds will be explained later on) but no pharmacy or hospital would supply me with them. Tuesday was pretty much the same but i got my meds and a few other things...i bought skinny jeans!!! ill take pics real soon ^.^ although i look pretty ill but eh...at least i can see that now huh. Wednesday i actually stayed home but marnah was over, the day i got back ryan bought me the best gift ever...The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess for game cube!!!! >.<. ive been waiting a full 2 yrs for this game...so i played it with marnah, we both drooled over the game...and link lol XD. Thursday i has to go see a Therapist...found out i dont actually need to take my new meds as they are for "skitsophrania" (spelling?)...the doctors at Austin said i was a skitz so they started me on Seraquel, made me so tired all of the time and now i dont even need them. Friday was spent at Ryans work as he wanted to keep an eye on me, hes still worried about my current weight and didnt want me to fall over or hurt myself. And then theres today...Ryan will be buying me an actual bed! so no more sleeping on couch hahaha. As for my Austin diary...i've only been able to type up a little...so ill paste what i've done and see how you all like it.

I'm finally home people...and fuck me dead does it feel GREAT to be out of that FUCKING HELL HOLE!!! >_<. it was the most longest, painfullest, stressfull, traumatizing 11 days ive ever expierienced!! The Austin Acute Phyciatric Unit is not...i repeat "IS NOT" the place to recover for a sensitive girl with a eating disorder. I enterd the place at about 51kgs and came home weighing 42kgs! Why? well, i did write up a diary which at this moment im typing into word pad, ill add more detail to it and then paste it here. once i get microsoft word I'm going to turn it into a sort of story and publish it...just so everyone else out there knows of this place! however, the place did help me in some ways. 1. it helped me to cope with "real mental cases" 2. i actually made some great friends. 3. I dont b/p anymore, ive got a set out diet of 6 meals a day and my goal weight is now 55kgs...not 34kgs. and 4. By me being in the phyc ward, ive brought my whole family alot closer as they all communicated "yes even ryan" alot more regarding my health in the hospital.

but anyway, im not going to post a real update until ive finnished typing out my diary, i will reply comments tho ^.^

oh and one more thing.

I MISSED YOU ANGIE!!!!!!! I FRIGGIN LOVE YOU GIRL!!! MWWWAAAHHHHH ^_____^ XOXOXOX

im finding it hard to eat my meals at all now...i get voices in my head and it scares me so much. just today i cried over crackers and cheese and because i ate only half i cut myself real bad and wrist banged my right wrist...its ll swollen.

doctors say i might be in here for 5 weeks...so i might not be out next thursday...but well hope and see.

im still writting in my little diary...ive written alot so when i get out there will be a very large entry lol. i might even re-write it a little and publish it...might be my first step to being an author...something ive always wanted to be.

i think im losing weight again...im still purging after meals...nurses dont know but its also cuz im exercising and not eating all of my meals.

i miss scratchy, ryan and talking to angie so fucking much. i hate it here, everyone is so fucked up and now they think im so mentally unstable i gotta stay longer then a week...i want out! someone rescue me!! lol.

maybe some of u visit or call? the number is 9496 6491 (only if u live in melbourne) and the address is

MHCSU
PO Box 5444
Heidelberg West
Victoria
Australia, 3081

so if any of you wanna write you can ^.^. well i gotta go...meds and bed time...oh and if ya wanna write put at the top of the addres Mekah Menke room 10

I'm currently in austin now, ive gained alot...its worrying me, i keep crying at meal times but the girls here are really supportive. theres alos alot of wackos here too O_O eeck, but i stay away from them lol. the doctors say ill be out next thursday if im good...which i havent been, i havent been able to finnish my meals in time. but at least i get my own room and bathroom, i thought id be sharing with a group of other girls.

well short entry i know, its my 8pm snack time -_-'', i hope i dont cry again...ill update again soon.

love you all, im really happy about the support you wonderful ppl have givne me...oh and dont mnd the spelling mistakes, im so drugged up on valium its insane lol.

Hello guys,

Thanks for all the very sweet comments to Mekah. She needs to be encouraged on recovery. Its very nice of all of you. I dont know how to tell any of you what I am about to tell you just know that Mekah was worried about the way you guys would take this. Furthermore she does care about all of you but she is going into recovery here and she does not want to relapse. She truely wants happieness so therefore I have to inform all of you that Mekah is very worried about relapsing, she really wants to get better and is afraid that assoicating with anyone with an Eating Disorder could trigger her. I'm sure all of you can understand this if you love her so therefore...what I'm trying...to say is...is that she probably wont assoicate with any of you anymore. I'm sorry, believe me, she is too. It sucked for her to tell me she needed me to do this but it just is, sorry.

Yes, its Angie updating for Mekah, she has gone into Eating Disorder recovery treatment for a while. Man, she told me to fix her Myspace and her new password isnt working, grr, fucking annoying, Mek, you can just get the password from the email you sign in with when you get back, great, I totally fucked that, sorry. Eh, forget my ramblings I just want everything to be perfect for her.

I had the worst christmas of my life! it started on christmas eve...i went over to my dads were id be staying the night. it all started out ok, my dad, wendy and i had a nice lunch, some drinks and was watching a movie until my dad turned into a dumb ass and started drinking shot after shot of smirnoff...and to make it worse he was mixing painkillers with it.

so by about 2pm he had passed out in front of the xmas tree, i went to put a pillow under his head but he told me to FUCK OFF -_-'. i felt like crying but held the tears back. then later wendy started talking to me about ryan saying i can find someone better, that he didn't love me and shit like that. like sure, he didn't get me a xmas gift, has never taken me out anywhere in our 3 and a half yr relationship..*ahem* i was kinda hoping he'd buy me my first flower gift on xmas (which didn't happen)

anyway by 5pm my dad finally woke up and went to bed, wendy kept yelling at him and he kept yelling back "yeah i'm a cunt, thats right." i just sat in front of the tv and watched blankly at what ever was on....which is what i did till 3am and finally went to bed. but i couldn't sleep, some phyco next door was slamming on the fence screaming, "I fucking hate you!!" but i did finally sleep i guess.

Christmas morning came round and i was feeling hopeful that my dad was better....well guess what, i woke up yo his wendy yelling at him and him throwing shit...i felt like i was 8yr old again, waking up at night to smashing glass and screaming.

so i just went and had a bath, i couldn't help but think of slitting my wrists right there in the bathtub...what a xmas gift to my dad that would of been. i didn't cut so don't worry...when i got out everything had calmed down...of cause the xmas tree didn't survive tho...that was destroyed along with one of my gifts that my dad was gonna give me. it was a tiny tiger statue, he stepped on it by mistake.
for my other xmas gift i got a white dress (which my boobs are too small for but still looks nice) and $50 from my dad. i tried to look happy but kept looking at the mess.
xmas lunch came round and all i did was look at the food, my dad saw how unhappy i was and got angry, took my plate, threw it into the sink were it smashed and then told me to go home.
it was POURING outside, very cold too. so i got up and left...came home completely drenched and hoped ryan would comfort me.
but guess what he had to say, "did you drink my protein drink?" O____O. i was standing there soaked, crying...and all he could think about was that?! yes i did drink it...but they are only $2 each...like ffs. no "merry christmas" no "whats wrong?" and no...no flowers or nothing....only piles of dishes and huge mess.

well merry fuckin christmas....-_-'

now i got new yrs to look forward to...prolly be the same damn story huh hahahaha

The only man that will never hurt my feelings ^_^...god i love that lil shit head lol. he wouldnt care if i was too thin emaciated pile of bones or if i was a huge pile of fat (so as long as i keep feeding him) hell allllways wuv me ^.^ lol.

Well i decided im not making any video posts...waaa...but instead i put up a new photo xanga which is callled...