I'm back, I'll just start off were I ended my last post....

After I turned off my phone I just sat and sobbed for a while, trying to breathe and just listening to everyone's conversation. I would of killed for a large dose of heroin, $200 worth right up my right arm would of been heaven, would of numbed me "for good" thats for sure! The women I was sitting next to passed a bong to me and offered me a smoke but I refused even though it would of been great to have I just didn't feel worthy of anything, I didn't want to take anything from anyone.
Then all of a sudden dread over came me, Matt showed up "How on earth did he find me here?!" I just dug my face into my hands and hoped he'd just go away. One of the guys there almost got all "protective" of me and said, "Who's this cunt?" Very well knowing it was "the angry boyfriend." Matt said who he was and told them to look after me and then said to me that the front door will be left open and I can come back when I'm ready. Then he walked away...
I felt so confused, you see I'm very quick to forgive people...even if Matt had stomped me into the ground I still would have gone back to him, so I guess if I do get hurt it's pretty much my own fault for staying with him...I'll love him no matter what he does. So after about an hour or so I took off after thanking everyone for letting me chill there for a while. When I got home Matt was waiting in the living room, I braced myself almost expecting the fight to continue but instead he held me really tight and said he was really sorry and that he loved me. I was soaked and emotionally exhausted, so I got changed and noticed Matt had written something in the back of my diary, it was about Matt explaining that the way he acted was like he was "someone else" and that he felt really bad for his actions. I think Matt has a anger problem but maybe I shouldn't do things to make him angry like answering his questions even if it's about something I don't really "want" to talk about but sometimes even when I "do" answer a hard question he then makes me feel stupid for how I answered so in return I really don't know what to say.
I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells most of the time, when I notice that Matt seems upset I ask him, "Are you upset with me?" And then he just says, "If I was "upset" with you Mekah I'd "tell" you, you asking that "makes" me upset, do you "want" me to be upset? Do you "like" it when I'm upset?" And he says that in a scary tone too . Everyone boyfriend I've had after Ryan has had anger problems, Ryan never yelled at me, called me names or degraded me at all but he never took me out anywhere so eh, I don't fucking know anymore. Matt isn't Mr. Perfect but it would be nicer if he didn't explode so much when we're in an argument, if I don't want to talk about something then it should be dropped, if I start talking about something Matt doesn't want to talk about I drop the subject straight away! It's simple and saves a lot of stress! So I can't see why Matt can't do this :-/. Anyway, we made up again and hopefully, I "pray" to god that we never fight like that again, if we do I don't know what I'll do to myself...it won't be pretty that's for sure...
So for today, nothing happened...I'm not fasting anymore either...it's making me very ill. Matt has a bad cold as well but hopefully he'll be better by tomorrow, it's going to be 26 degrees! A nice warm day and I'm looking forward to going to the beach! I just hope not too many people are there, it's been ages since I've worn a bikini infront of anyone! The last time I did was when I weighed lie 45kgs, now that I weigh like 5-6kgs more I feel a little insecure :-/.
Well I'm going to go now, it's late and I'm tired.

I still haven't slept, Matt almost started "another" argument about Sara moving in with us. I've already told Sara she could and she's all happy about living with me but now I have to tell Sara that she "can't" cause Matt doesn't "trust" me. He thinks Sara and I will just go off, get speed and just tell Matt something else. He said I "always" lie to him which is totally bull-fucking-shit! It's so unfair for Matt to do this! Sara doesn't have anywhere to go! I told him, "So where does she live? In here car?!" I think Matt expects her to live in her car...or just doesn't care. He let Simon live with us! And he's a junkie that lied all the fucking time!!! The only time I "ever" lie is when I'm too scared to tell the truth due to Matt's "anger" problem -_-''.
Well, I better go break the news to the poor girl...I wish Matt treated me the way he "used" to, he used to make me feel special, safe and loved. Now most of the time he just yells at me, calls me names and makes me feel like shit! It's like its his goal everyday, to argue about pointless shit, make sure my self-confidence is lowered a little more, make sure I feel as though what ever the argument is about is completely "my" fault and of cause to make me cry! . But then once this has all been checked off, he says sorry, that it's not my fault and that he "loves" me which in return cheers me up a little and so I don't dump him.

I'm going to have a mental break down if this continues...I'll end up in a mental hospital for the rest of my life!

Last night was just awful, I ended up cutting my left wrist 4 times cause of it...I'll have to update later on what happend when Matt isn't around or waiting for me to get ready. I'll just say for now...Matt turned into a raving monster, screaming at me, calling me names an kicking me out of the house to cry in the pouring rain! But now everything is ok...until next time? It gets worse each time, at this stage I'd "peafer" just to get my lights knocked out then have to go through the emotional tornment that his words and anger put me through

And some how I still feel as though it was all %100 my fault...

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I didn't do too much damage, just enough to numb the hurt I guess. The fight started off by Matt asking a stupid question that I didn't wont to talk about, about two months ago Matt and I had a huge fight, it was the day I over dosed actually. I stayed over at Berky's house and everyone (including) Berky says I slept with him! Which is totally untrue but I guess it does look a bit weird if everyone says I slept with him including the fuck that I "slept with". I wouldn't sleep with that dug fucked moron even if he paid me a million bucks! But last night I wouldn't say anything, I said I didn't want to talk about it but Matt kept pushing it and getting angry and more angry as I continued to ignore him. He ended up grabbing me by the shoulders and shacking me whilst yelling at me saying he was going to smash my stuff.
I ended up running outside and up the road to sit by the bay, there i cried hoping Matt couldn't find me...but he did and continued to scream at me calling me an idiot, retard, whore and then when I headed back as I was getting cold in the rain he started to push me away saying I wasn't welcome back inside! He said he was going to call the cops and that I should call my dad to send me some money so I could get back to Melbourne and stay with Berky again, he said I could then suck his cock again and sleep with him! I yelled out for Debbie to come outside but Matt just kept pushing me away, so I ended up screaming at him to go fuck himself and then walked down the road crying.
I passed two guys outside their house, they asked if I was ok in which I replied, "Of cause I'm not fucking ok!" I then stopped a couple of meters away and slummped down onto the foot path and just cried. I was all the way in Perth, I knew no one I could go to! So I go back up and said sorry to the two guys and introduced myself, I asked if I could come inside for a little bit. They let me inside and I sat down next to the guys wife, they were all pissed and stoned but at least I was out of the rain, it was pouring down...Which Matt had hoped at the time, "Go sleep in the gutter you whore! I hope it POURS down tonight!" It kept repeating in my mind.
Matt then started to call my mobile so I turned it off...

I have to go, Matt's home again...I'l update later when he isnt around

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9am: Nothing
10am: Nothing 
12pm: coffee, chilled water 3 diet pills 
3pm: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill, nap till dinner. 
6pm: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
8pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, slow stretching. 
10pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, sleeping pill

CW: 51kgs
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I stayed up till 4am last night watching the soccer with Matt and so I woke up late which explains why I had nothing till 12pm. Another kilo lost! Woot! And I haven't even had any laxatives yet, it's weird how I've lost a kilo every day so far but I'm pretty sure the weight lose will slow down pretty soon, I'll be over the moon once I'm back into the 40s. My hunger pains have died down a lot too which is a huge relief! I don't think I could take another day of intense stomach growling! Matt has been asking me about wether I've been eating or not, I tell him I eat just he doesn't pay much attention so he just shrugs it off, he hasn't noticed any weight lose though or maybe he has but hasn't said anything?

I'm going to scoot off now, Matt and I are going for a walk to the beach! We were supposed to go to the city but we both woke up too late so we'll probably do that tomorrow, I'll be back later.

P.s, I'm only up to "3pm" just I don't know how to change it :-/

I've been a naughty girl today...I "used" again but so I wont do it again I took a before and after picture so I can look at them and remind myself how bad and out of it I look!

The "before" at 8:22pm

I got changed, had the stupid fucking heroin >:( at 8:26pm

And the "after" at 8:27...Yes it kicked in that fast

I paid $160 fucking dollars to have a needle stuck into my arm and look what it made me look like, I look fucked compared to the first picture. I'm so fucking angry with myself! The withdrawals were dimming down and going away and now I have to start all over again! But I'll admit, it felt good...For the first ten seconds anyway , I hate heroin, I HATE heroin! I FUCKING HATE HEROIN!!!! HATE IT!!!! HATE IT!!!! HATE IT!!!! HATE IT!!!! >_<
So people, if any of you are even tempted at trying it or if you're curious...Don't...It'll destroy your family, your relationships, your friendships, your whole fucking LIFE! Got it? Good!

Anyway, other then that fuck up today was pretty good. I'm still fasting and going strong, didn't really do much today. Oh and if you're wondering how I got heroin here in Perth I called Simon and asked him how he got it when he lived here and he gave me a number to call which I've destroyed so I can't call it again! So, it's late and I'm nodding off on the keyboard...Please forgive me for being a junkie

I almost ruined my fast last night when Matt asked if I was hungry, I said no but my stomach managed to give it away -_-. So Matt said he'd make me something as I was spending most of my time in bed but I told him I didn't feel well...So he never made me anything..."Phew!".

I can't believe I've lost a whole kg over night! Probably cause I never lost weight on the other fasting days. I'm just going to save this and edit a few things so for the next few minutes my blog is going to look a little crazy lol

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9am: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
10am: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill 
12pm: coffee, chilled water 3 diet pills 
3pm: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill, nap till dinner. 
6pm: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
8pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, slow stretching. 
10pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, sleeping pill

CW: 52kgs
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I think I might have to cut down in the diet pills, my chest is starting to hurt because of them...But my mind is telling me thats the reason to my weight loss...So if I was to stop taking them I'd just balloon into a beached whale .
Matt's sister Debbie once had a eating disorder...You can really tell seeing shes sooo bloody thin, oh well...Thinspo lol.

I'm back! Matt and I went for a walk to the shops and bought a few things, I asked Matt if I could get some gum but when it came to paying for it he had to take the gum out cause he couldn't afford it!! So all of a sudden I became extremely depressed, I don't know why though...It was just gum!

When we got home I slammed the shopping bags down onto the table and stomped outside, slamming the door behind me and had a smoke in the backyard. A few minutes later Matt walked out and asked if I had a lighter, so I started to search for it in my bag but it was taking Matt too long, he said, "If you keep everything in one place." I had then found it but by that time Matt had walked inside to find another one so I threw it at the back door and said, "Fine, piss off then!" I hate it how hes always saying that I should keep my stuff in the one place...It makes me feel like some kind of stupid unorganized person .
I then quickly went back inside and sat in my room were I started to write in my hand written diary.

After a while I then went out the front door to have a smoke, I sat on some steps with my back all hunched over, Debbie walked out to have a smoke too and asked me," Is Matt giving you a hard time?" I replied, "No, just moody." I so wanted to tell her why I was "moody" I wanted to tell her about my eating disorder and that I'm not eating and feeling really fat and depressed. I seriously feel like cutting myself...No one has noticed that I haven't been eating either...I don't think they care either. Debbie then asked if I wanted to come for a drive with Matt and her to go see his aunt but I said I'd rather just stay home and then went back inside and sat in my room were I just sobbed while watching Ophra...God I'm just such a fat loser!!
Matt and I were going to go for a walk to the beach but as much as I'd love that...I'm just too depressed.

Matt then walked in and asked what was wrong, I looked at him and he started laughing!! he said I looked "funny" I told him I wanted to be left "alone"...When he left I cried a bit, when matt said i looked "funny" I straight away thought "ugly" ...It's like he's taking the way I feel as a total joke! I so feel like cutting, maybe then he'll see how seriously depressed I am!

I'm back for the last update for today, I seem to be having very bad mood swings...It's almost like bipolar disorder or something...I get all depressed and just want to cry my eyes out and cut but then after a couple of hours or sometimes even just a few minutes I'm all happy again! I don't even know why I get depressed half the time! I'm thinking it's either due to no heroin, lack of food, my eating disorder or the fact I haven't had my period for nearly two months...:-/. I tested myself today and no I'm not pregnant, although I did test myself late in the afternoon and you're supposed to test yourself first thing in the morning which I'll be doing tomorrow morning but I'm about %99.9 sure I'm "not" pregnant *pout* oh well . I don't know why I want to have a baby either O_O, like if I was to fall pregnant now it would be very bad timing as I still haven't kicked my drug habit, money wise Matt and I would be fucked and the house we live in or should I say the area we live in is no place to raise a child as heroin junkies are everywhere! But it doesn't mean I'd get rid of it of it either...I truly don't know what I'd do and I don't think the methadome I'm taking would do the baby much good either, anyway enough of babies lol. About 3 hours ago Matt and I went for a walk to get our dome and then came home as I needed to go to the toilet (very important seeing I don't go much lol) and then we set off to go have a look at the Mosman bay. The bay is beautiful at night, the lights from the city on the other side of the bay make a nice touch to the scenery.
We both sat there for a while until Matt brought up a very touchy subject which made me depressed again, he started to talk about all the debts we have due to heroin and how he'll never touch it again until all his debts are paid...But what really got to me was when he said, "It won't be hard for you to give up, you aren't addicted so you don't need it, you just won't it." I then blurted out, "How'd you know! You're not me!!" I was then moody all the way back home and then we some how started an argument about how you can't be addicted to speed which is utter bullshit and offended me because my dad was badly addicted to it for YEARS! It's just as addictive as any other hard drug wether it's heroin, ice, trips, xtc or even pot! If it wasn't addictive then 1. Why would people do crime to get it? 2. Why would women AND men sell themselves for it? And 3. Why did my dad continue to inject it for over half his fucking life? But I didn't say all this to him, I just agreed to disagree and moved away from the subject.
And so now I'm sitting here wondering if my centrelink money has come through, it normally goes in at about 12:30am in Melbourne which it would be now seeing Perth is two hours behind Melbourne but I normally always wait for my money to come in cause when it does I'm off to score! But now I cant, I won't, even though I'd love too. I have very mixed feelings for it right now, one side says "I don't want it or need it, it's a waste of money and so not worth pricking my arm for." But the other side says "Fuck I'd love a taste now, needle goes in, blood draws back and in 10 seconds you'll feel so sooo good." Heh...Fucked isn't it?
Well I'm going to end tonight's update and have a nice hot bath, I'm looking forward to going to the city tomorrow and spending my money on something worth while . Night night people, wish me luck and pray that I wake up and have lost weight!! ^_^

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9am: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
10am: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill 
12pm: coffee, chilled water 3 diet pills 
3pm: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill, nap till dinner. 
6pm: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
8pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, slow stretching. 
10pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, sleepingpill

CW: 53kgs
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Well, I'm pretty much on my way in this fast, haven’t lost much weight and i'm guessing it'll be mostly water weight for the first few days.
I've made appointment at the hair dressers for this thursday...I'm getting my hair permanently straightened!! but thats only IF i continue to stick to my fast! so its going to be like a reward for god behavior lol.

Well, I have to go to the hair dresser as they called me back in...something about them wanting to check out my hair to see if its ok for it to be straightened...god I hope it is! I’ll cry of they don’t do it....even though its going to cost me $190 lol.

P.s, the little blue fairy means I've done that "meal" ^_^ lol I'm such a nerd

Today i start fasting with sara, not sure how long for probably till i hit 44-46kgs so i guess i'll just keep going till i get back home to melbourne. I'm also hanging out for heroin , i think it's cause it took nearly half the day to get a script for my dome...but I've had my dome now and feel a lot better. Before i had it i felt cold, tired, moody and my body ached o_o...hanging out for heroin sucks...I'm still "mentally" hanging out for it but have no idea were to get it here in perth and i'm pretty sure its near enough impossible...which is good cause i really want to quit! so its best i try and not think about it :-/.

I'm so stressed out about my little kitten tiger, shes my little baby! I left her at home with a flat mate, his name is simon and i'm worried he isn't feeding tiger or let her out the front door by mistake! shes too tiny to go outside with all those big scary cars! and what if she gets cold or bullied by a bigger cat! if anything happened to tiger i WILL turn simons privets into a wind chime O_O...waaa i can hear her tiny "mews" now T_T...I've contacted Matt Roberts, he's matt's friend that also sells pot to us ...yes i'm a pot head but i'm quitting that soon too.

Also...i might be pregnant but i'm pretty sure i'm not...i've missed periods heaps before just this time is a little different, i've been feeling sick every morning when i wake up and for the first time i'm kind of hoping i AM pregnant...i don't know why...i used to hate the idea :-s...maybe my motherly side is developing...dear god help us all lol.

Well I'm off for another walk to the shops...hopefully i don't buy junk food and fuck my fast up....if i do ill just die inside!
I'll update later....i think i need to also update my layout, its so out of date its just sad! does anyone know were i can get some codes to a good layout? something to do with butterflies of cause

Just a quick update before i go for that walk! i changed my layout to one i made a while ago...you see the cute little kitten in the back ground? thats what tiger looks like! cute huh? :-p...i miss her so much, i wish i could have taken her with me ...i miss her cute little mews, when i sit on the couch at home she likes crawling up my chest and slumping over my shoulder to sleep ^.^...waaa...anyway, got to go...see yas later!

Back, last update for today, i've just gotten back from going out to a old styled restaurant...i'm supposed to be fasting...I KNOW!!! no need to point it out...lol...i picked at a small salad which i also purged...i probably would have been ok without purging but i got paranoid and very upset with myself, i wanted to cry so badly but i didn't want to in front of matt and his sister, they would have thought i was nuts!
Simon called today too and gave me a quick update on tiger...he said she is doing well ^_^...but what if he is just "saying" that and really she isn't ok?! O_O...ill just have to convince myself she is fine...

I've also written out a fasting, goes something like this:

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9am: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
10am: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill 
12pm: coffee, chilled water 3 diet pills 
3pm: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill, nap till dinner. 
6pm: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
8pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, slow stretching. 
10pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, sleepingpill
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I'll type that down and roughly what time i have those "meals" everyday as they might change, there's a weird pattern going on lol...lots of diet pills which will more then likely cause my heart to pound a million times a second...but i'm used to much worse from my speed addicted past <_<'''...and also a lot of chilled water which will help on burning calories ^_^. Well thats it, ill be back tomorrow morning...I'll also be posting my weight in the morning, I'm hoping its either 52.5 or 53...hopefully 52.5kgs, keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'm back! its been forever! Well as you can see i'm very much alive and i am in perth (just got here friday) and back with matt...i have a little explaining to do!
About 4 or so hours after my last entry i ODed and nearly DIED! Berky had mixed up my last shot, I didn't even have time to put the lid back on the bloody needle :-/. before i knew it i was in hospital, i had to have 3 shots of narcaine and got the zapper as my heart had stopped. was blue and wasn't breathing for a good 10 minutes...i should be dead. When i woke up i started to cry, all i wanted was matt to be next to me, to comfort me and remind me he did love me and didn't want me to die. So i started to text him...he walked from mitchem to maroonda hospital to be with me...thats well over 10kms.
The next day i went straight onto methadome and i am still on it, its a life saver! Makes me not think or crave the stupid crap! But ever since its not like i had stopped using completely, every now and again it got out of hand. Like me going on 7 different phone plans, the phones were worth $1400 EATCH...i sold them all for $250 each...just for a few fixes and i till have to pay for each phone.

ANYway, my last hit i almost OD again, which was last friday ;-/...matt nearly called the ambulance but i just passed out on the couch...a strong batch i guess? OH! also, i got a cute little kitten for my birthday! i named her tiger due to the stripes she has ^_^. So, one of the reasons for matt and i coming to perth was to have a break from drugs and hopefully return back home drug free forever! But...my eating disorder never died...oh well id rather that then drugs any day...at least my dad still talks to me then.

Well i have to go, not the most best entry but at least now you all know i havent died or something :p

hey guys...been a while. im afraid to say nothing in my life has inproved, not the slightest...i have how ever stopped using speed...but now i have a major heroid addiction. Matt and i have just broken up due to drugs, you see he missed out on a tiny deal and then told me i was a junkie, a bitch, he hated me and hoped i would kill myself. so now ive moved out and into berkys house which is just two units down from matts, ill be staying here till wednesday and then moving into rubys which is next to matts. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, i have just injected ALOT of heroin and am smashed.

so why am i doing all this to myself? well it plainly numbs the pain, makes everything go away...the hurt i feel from my family dis owning me, losing all my friends (besides sara, i still love her and miss her like crazy)...breaking up with matt and well...just being a complete fuck up. i cant even afford to eat, so im also selling heroin and pills ive even been offerd money for sex a heep of times...which temps me a little...but i dont care, im not worth anything so why not.im tunring 21 soon....ill be alone for that, matt and i were planning on going to perth together for 2 weeks...and now look...i always seem to fuck up everything good for me...or end up getting hurt by someone i thought loved me.

i just wont it all to fucking end, i have ab0out $800 worth of heroin, if i was to inject all of it id prolly die 5 times over but no...id rather sell it all and makes $1200 so i can go buy more...-_-'''

i miss my daddy, everytime he sees me (which is very rare) he cries when he leaves...

im a lost cause...

today is Matts omas 87th birthday, im over at his mums and dads house updating and listening to everyone talking in the other room, i kinda feel antisocial but oh well.

I've finally got saras number!! been texting her like some mad stalker lol, miss her heeps.

Nick hasnt contacted me since the car crash which is good, hope i never see him again! My left rib is still cracked and hurts when i laugh or cough, might have to get that looked at. Also got a spare room now which im hoping sara will say "yes" to moving into...she wants to move AWAY but im thinking if i give her a safe place to live were people love and care about her she might not run away ^_^.

As for my drug problem...it hasnt much improved. last thursday i went out and bought $200 worth of speed and matt cracked it big time...flushed half of it down the toilet (were it belongs) but i was a little pissed off as i was going to SELL it and if it was going to go down the toilet id rather of used it but oh well -_-''...i guess i like it too much, i just hate having no money afterwards and then starving for the next week and a half, at least when i have speed im not hungry...

In about month Matt and i are flying off to PERTH to visit matts sister for about two weeks, that should fun! Never been that far from melbourne before! but i wanna make sure sara is ok before i go...id give up my whole life (even if its tiny lol) for that girl.

Anyway, i better go join everyone and pretend im all excited and such...lol.

Nick and i have broken up due to a lot of hectic things, one due to a car crash that nick, glen (a friend) and i were involved in, our car got T-Boned at a intersection and the car that his us hit MY door. I ended up in hospital with minor injuries, mostly bruises and a left cracked rib. The bad thing is, it was ALL nicks fault seeing he had taken 10 2mg xanax and MADE e come with him in the car to score speed and before i knew it we were in a crash. All the time nick just wanted my atm card seeing i had money and he didn't. Any he's now gone and I'm still at Matt's place...Matt and i have now hooked up and all the tension i had felt with nick and now gone. Matt is like the opposite to nick. For the last month and a half nick had been verbally abusing the fuck out of me and even threatening to KILL me O_O. I had been too petrified to leave him and even now I'm shit scared of him. He still has a house key to where I'm living so when ever someone knocks on the door i get all paranoid thinking its nick coming back to get me! But i know matt will protect me ^_^.

I'm still very much into speed which i fucking hate cause its all nicks fault for getting me into it -_-'....but matt is helping me a lot keeping me off it...love him so much ^_^ just the urge is always there and driving me fucking insane!!! O____O.

I really;;y want to get in touch with a friend but i lost her number seeing nick stole my phone (probably to sell it for drugs) and so i lost her number ...so i left her an email and hopefully shell get back to me.

I though having an eating disorder was bad enough but having a drug problem AND an eating disorder fully sucks hard core....id rather be dead...but i gotta living on and work through it, i got more to live for and just gotta keep strong, gotta keep looking forward to tomorrow cause tomorrow might bring something worth looking forward to and who knows...it might help me become stronger and live longer!

I'm also sorry for not updating as much but matt and i now have our own computer so soon well get the internet and it'll all be back to normal were i can update everyday and comment back to everyone i know and love on here...until then...i hope everyone had a merry christmas and a very happy new year!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!! M<3<3<3<3