Nich and I had moved from Be Street to a small house in blackburn, it was ok for a few days, we were renting a room there with a 73yr old lady, Pauline. She seemed ok at first, made us dinner and as all nice and then she stopped making dinner complaining she had nothing to eat herself! THEN she complains about ME looking ill in the morning, like who looks 100% first thing when they wake up. Then she kept going on about our jobs...so in the end Nich and i are now moving into one of Nichs friends place located in Mitchem, well only be there for about 4-6 weeks till we save up enough for our own place.

Its been pretty stressful money wise, walking around with only $10 in my wallet, low on smokes and an empty stomach...which doesn't bother me i don't think. I'm still struggling with my body image. Last night there was a show on about Anorexics and it was really triggering for me. I was eating dinner at the time and all i could think about was purging it...but i didn't, its just the though creeping back into my mind that scared me. I'm getting better health wise but mentally I'm still the same, i STILL want to lose weight and i'm STILL terrified of gaining even though I've lost about 2kgs in the last 3 or so days, don't know why though, probably due to stress.

I also went to see my doctor a few days ago, told him I've been real stressed lately and he prescribed me xanax 2mg (kalma2). I'm  supposed to take it 3 times a day, I took one two night ago whilst eating some pizza, nich went out to have a smoke and when he came back in i had passed out on the couch with pizza all over me! I didn't know what the fuck was going on. So then i went outside for a smoke whilst nich went to bed...I woke up on the ground an hour later....this xanax shit is STRONG O.O. I asked nichs friend Matt about them and he said one of those xanax pills are like taking 6 valiums and once addicted its like coming off smack....O___O eeps.

I went to centrelink today asking for an advanced loan seeing I'm fucked with money so I'm getting $500 tomorrow woot. Also my disability pension is coming through and they owe me money ^_^ lol,.

Well thats it for now, I'm going to go online and look for some units!!!

Nich and I have found a place to live, its located in Blackburn and soon he'll be buying me a laptop so i might be able to get in touch on here a lot more but for now it'll probably be an update every few days.

Las weekend i totally lost it with my flat mate, oh my god people, i was ready to destroy her but its A-ok seeing all mine and nichs stuff has been moved! I'll be meeting Nichs family this weekend for a BBQ, they are all very keen to meet me and I'm pretty excited too. ^_^.

My weight seems to be dropping a bit though, probably due to stress and moving around like crazy.

Anyway, i want to explain a bit about Peter.

First off, i moved from Tims to peters on strict terms that we were only gonna move in as "friends" but then e slowly became possessive of me, I couldn't even go outside for a smoke to be alone without HIM being there, then he got annoyed cause I'd rather sleep out on the couch then in bed with him, one night he made me snap so fucking bad, I cut my arm up and ran down the street screaming with blood pouring everywhere! Then Peters gran died and so we moved into her granny flat...well that lasted like 3 days, one night peter just said "Mekah i love you." and i was like "thats nice" You see I never really has feeling for him, i just wanted to be loved and he was there at the time, as harsh as that sounds its just the way it was! So then one night after taking my seriquil, it was about 1am and he wouldn't leave me the fuck alone, he wanted to fuck me and i said i was too tired...i was a fuckin zombie from the meds so you know what he says...."have  coffee." like what the fuck, i didn't want to fuck him and yet he thought i should seeing he was giving a roof over my head...like fuck that shit. So there i am laying in bed, hardly able to move and he starts kissing me and touching my tits...i tell him no, he gets angry, i crack it and get dressed, packed what i can and went to leave!

But...he wouldn't let me go, i was trying to find my razor cause i had had enough, i was going to find the nearest train station and end it, let the blood flow from my veins, empty the pain and sorrow from my heart an just be at peace...but i couldn't find the razor so i left...i WAS going to go to tims so peter decided to follow me down the street (mind you it was like 10pm at night). He was trying to stop me from walking down the street and i kept screaming at him, he kept saying "you need me mekah, you need me." i thought, "yeah i need you like a fucking bullet in the fucking head!" so i got to the station and sat down, he then said to me (his face was like 2cms infront of mine) "you're a cold hearted fucking bitch" then he threw his keys down on the ground getting angry yelling, "you're going to become homeless! you're going to end up being a prostitute" and all that bullshit.

So i ended up knocking on my dads door instead of tims, and thats were i stayed for about a month, i gained a little weight went from 40kgs to about 48kgs but had fully planned on losing it when i moved to Be Street in Box hill. When i got to Be Street it all started out k besides my flat mate being a complete pig and had nits!

I then met Nich and the moment i saw him....i fell in love!!! And so did he, he said he fell in love with my eyes.We're planning on moving to either Perth or Adelaide after christmas and when I turn 23 or so we're getting married! ^_^....a bit fast? lol probably but fuck, we've both had a hell of a life and we both finally deserve to be happy for once...like god gave both of us a second chance at living again!

Soon I'll be doing a I.T course in Box Hill and I'll be also typing stories and poems, so life is great right now even though every now and again and think "man I'm a fat fuck" but i talk to nich and ask him how i look and he always reassures me that I'm beautiful...

There's only ONE thing that I'm worried about...that nich might get bored with me and leave...cause i swear to god if he leave and my already fragile heart gets smashed again....i'll just die, ill find the closest train statio and just get taken away...I wont WONT be able to handle hear break again, I've been fucked around too many times.

Also, peter if you read this, I don't really fucking care what you think or how you feel about what i type about you, the way you treated me over the most smallest things was just scum...remember, i was very sick, i couldn't help what i did and the way you talked to me, harassed me, followed me like a fucking shadow made everything WORSE...so for you're own safety...leave me the FUCK ALONE...or you'll go missing, i guarantee that....

As for all my pals...i love you alll with alllll of my heart...I'll be in contact soon! MWAH!

hey guys, long time no update! i left peter cause he turned into a phyco. I've movied to boxhill, i now live in a community house for people with mental illnesses (Be Street). I've setteld in really well there and guess what...ive also met a guy, his name is Nich...hes the most nicest person in the WORLD. he makes me sooo soooo happy, ryan is nothing compared to Nich, he has really helped me with my eating disorder too. I still have "fat days" every now and again but i now weigh 55kgs and i feel pretty for once in my life! when i left peter i weighed a mear 41kgs, my doctor looked at me and told my dad i was going to die, i probably only had a few months left in me.

I lived with my dad for a month and then went to boxhill, i went out one night with my flat mate and met Nich, i saw him sitting down on a couch and something just clicked .

I gotta be quick as Nich and I are going away to phillip island!! hes such a sweety, he means the whole world to me.

I'll try update again soon when i can get onto the net...

I'M FINALLY HAPPY!!! I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN!!!! ^___________^

It's Peter here, a friend of Mekah's. Mekah's ok. She's still alive. She's staying at my place with my mum and dad. She's a sweet girl and I'm trying to help. Both going to party tonight should be fun

It's Peter here, a friend of Mekah's. Mekah's ok. She's still alive. She's staying at my place with my mum and dad. She's a sweet girl and I'm trying to help. Both going to party tonight should be fun

It's Peter here, a friend of Mekah's. Mekah's ok. She's still alive. She's staying at my place with my mum and dad. She's a sweet girl and I'm trying to help. Both going to party tonight should be fun

It's Peter here, a friend of Mekah's. Mekah's ok. She's still alive. She's staying at my place with my mum and dad. She's a sweet girl and I'm trying to help. Both going to party tonight should be fun

I did say in my last entry that I’d update but a lot had happened since then. The driving lesson went pretty good even thought I was scared shitless and was going to have a heart attack! My Oma got a phone call from my doctor whilst I was out having my driving lesson, he was very surprised and worried that I was driving seeing my potassium level was only 2.3! But I came back alive so eh. When I got home my Oma wanted me to go to hospital, she was scared I was going to have a heart attack! But I didn’t go; instead I just took 8 potassium pills a day.

Then the craziest day in my life, Wednesday rolled by…I went to a friend’s house, Ben with my gf Caitlyn…we were planning on having a few drinks and crashing there but Ben invited over one of his mates (don’t know his name) and thats were things turned for the worse. I had 3 shoties of Smirnoff and one mixed drink, I was already too drunk to notice that Ben’s friend mixed my drink…so that’s were I ended up on my knees in front of the toilet. I was screaming from the pain in my stomach and couldn’t see or control my body at all. Caitlyn was screaming her face off as Ben dragged me into his living room. I couldn’t breath or anything, Ben called an ambulance but not only did that arrive but so did the police and the fire berg aid! There were at least 20 uniformed people in Ben’s tiny apartment. I can remember a nurse shoving a plastic tub down my throat, which got me breathing again. By the time I arrived at the hospital I was in a critical state, my temperature dropped to 30 degrees, my blood pressure was 80/60, my pupils didn’t react to light and I was going into shock. They also tried drawing blood but I was so dehydrated the blood didn’t flow, so I had to have a drip in my arm and by 2 am I got a blood test done. They found a date rape drug in, don’t know what its called but they found the same drug on Ben’s mate! After the test was done I was free to go, as I was in the hospital the police turned Ben’s house upside down, looking for any more drugs. My smokes, 2 pairs of undies and my phone was stolen, I only got my phone back which Ben had…don’t know were my undies went though! O_O.

So ever since Tuesday I’ve been looking for a place to rent, can only afford $100 a week but for the mean time I’m staying at Cat’s house or Tim’s but Tim doesn’t want me there and Cat’s mum hates me. I can’t stay at my Oma's cause she is sick and tired of watching me slowly fade to nothing.

My arm hurts…its covered in bruises :/.

I’ll try and update again soon, its just I only have excess to the Internet at my Oma’s house.

P.s…thanks for all the comments guys…at least someone out there cares J

god, theres so much i want to type...but i havent got much time, going out for my first driving lesson in like 10 mins, so ill make another update when i get home.

so i just wanted to make a post to let you all know im still alive...well just, for the first time last night i collapsed from being just so weak and drawn...maybe its a sign that my body has finally started to stop fighting? why do i seem excited that the end lays near?

update later...

Well bad news first…my Oma found out I've been taking diet pills. She got very angry with me yesterday cause I keep losing weight…she was like, “If you’re purging you can go live on the street!” so I told her about my diet pills…handed over only 6 and told her its what I had left when really I still have stacks load. I told her who I got them off and now that person is really hurt and thinks its all her fault when in fact it was MY idea not hers, I have to, no I need to make sure she knows how sorry I am L.

Anyway, the good news is, I went down to the coffee shop with my Oma and saw Tim…last night he texted me and said he had the flu which is why he has been so distant. So today after he served me my coffee he told me that he was sorry for being moody, I told him to shut up and to not be sorry…I gave him the flu anyway, then I laughed and he was like, “O_O dayum” lol. So its all good between us, next Wednesday when I get paid I’m thinking about buying him something, don’t know what though. Also, I want t take Sara out to the movies , she doesn’t know yet but I got to cheer her up somehow!

Well, no poem for today…I’m tired, my chest feels funny…feels like someone is softly pushing on my chest…weird…

Oh…and here’s a picture of me and Sara…we were chilling out at Tim’s place.
see the necklace? its a best friends necklace...guess who has the other half *hint* you can see her wearing it O_O lol.