Yeah, I’m still alive...I've gone through so much shit in the past week...three days ago Ryan officially dumped me saying I’ve been breaking his balls for ages and that he’d rather be single. The same day Ryan dumped me I met up with a guy named Tim, he works at a coffee shop in Croydon, he’s got the sexiest eyes lol, he’s a party animal too. So I stayed over at his place for a few nights but just today he has completely ignored me…is there something about me that makes guys want to run away or something? Well I say “fuck it” guys are too confusing to me right now and I’m too ill to care.

I got weighed yesterday too, I weigh roughly 43kgs and blood was also drawn, doctor hasn’t called back so I’m assuming everything was ok.

Well, I’m going to wait and see if Tim calls, if he doesn’t I’ll call him tomorrow and ask what the fuck is going on!

Until then, here is another poem

Come Back To Me

Lost in the dark,

Searching for a helping hand.

But my hand is too cold, too brittle.

So I sink within myself like quicksand.

Have I wondered off too far?

Too far for people to see?

But wait…I hear a whisper,

“Come back to me.”

Where is this voice?

Is it fake, is it real?

And for a moment, just a moment,

The warmth of a hand I feel.

I’m being directed to the light.

But I seem to be tripping,

My hand starts slipping.

And now I’m alone, lost in the dark.

But this warm hand,

Keeps finding me,

Keeps leading me,

Closer and closer to the light.

But why do I slip away,

To a place I cannot see?

And all I seem to hear is,

“Come back to me.”

I keep finding this hand,

The grip getting stronger.

But I’m getting weaker,

I can’t keep holding on for much longer.

“Stay with me.”

The voice replies,

But what do I do,

When my soul is consumed with lies.

This person wants to help,

And I wonder why?

Why wont this person just leave me to die.

And it replies,

“Cause you’re too beautiful to die.”

living at my omas has become verryyy cramped and stressful...almost clostophobic....but i really cant go anywhere else. peter is more then happy to have me live with him but i feel what i need now more then ever is...my family and to e close to them.

i wont be updating as much seeing allan has the net in his room and well, im not feeling at all the good. i just been to the doctors, my potassium is down (due to actually being ill), my weight now is 44kgs (im a cumfy size 6 X_X) and i have a virus...*dies* i feel like a elephant has stomped on me, feels like my soul has been spread over overly toasted toast and someone is chewing it up and spitting it out everywhere...*dies again* lol.

yesterday i went to a shop called inacoma, its near eastland, i bought myself a overly cool (and overly priced O_O) slayer shirt...im in love with it ^.^. havent heard much from ryan but i mght be seeing him this sunday.

This saturday i might be going out to a club called Bimbos Delux...ill be going with Sara (non ED sara) and nat which are both from the Austin hospital...we're gonna party like its 1999 lmao XD. well if im well enough by then, last night i was ill i could hardly stand O_O.

Anyway, im gonna go, sara (ED pal) will be here soon! ^____________________^ yeayers lol

miss ryan...everytime i think of him i want to cry but the tears just wont flow . I emailed him and he said he was going to suss out a day for when i can come over and see him...all i wont is a hug.

Someone answer me this...I have about 5-8 different guys that would LOVE to take me out to a movie or dinner, they all adore me, so why is it the only guy i want i cant have?

p.s...its friggin cold O_O

and here is another poem:

Silently Screaming

Lonely girl watches and wonders,

Day after day.

Sitting in her crystal ball,

Not knowing what to say.

No one sees in,

Only she sees out.

No one hears,

Her silent shout.

Oh lonely girl,

What is wrong?

Will you stay alive,

Long enough to finish this song?

She smiles tenderly,

As you walk by.

She’s so beautiful,

And yet she wants to die.

Is it cause the world went cold?

Is it cause her pain is about to unfold?

Is it cause her innocence was stolen?

Is it cause she was never chosen?

Oh lonely girl,

Silently screaming.

When will someone hear her?

When will someone care?

I feel like going to sleep for the next hundred years! Lol. Anyway, a guy named Tim who works at the coffee shop I walk to every morning has asked me out to the movies this Tuesday! I seem to have guys chasing me left right and center and all I wont is a friend!

So, last night Wendy, my Oma and I went to the Maroonda Club and saw Elvis again! It was better then last time, besides hurting my left hip due to dancing. Marnah was also supposed to come but she got into an argument with my Oma. And as I was getting ready I saw her sitting in the dark crying, so I asked, “You still coming?” Marnah replied, “It’s not like anyone wants me to come.” So I just said, “oh ok, stay here and feel sorry for yourself.” Then she snapped and said, “Well at least I didn’t have to go to hospital!” And all this, for the last 4 or so days I've been making her breakfast and coffee in bed, cleaning her room and walking with her to school. So Marnah went to her friend’s house for the night, its 1.30pm and she still hasn’t come home.

Anyway, Allan is moving in this Wednesday and so nearly all of Marnah's and my stuff has been moved into a different room. Don’t know how I moved half the stuff, specially her bed that weighed like 100 tonne! Hahah.

Well I got to go people, my Oma is going shopping and I wont to come to make sure she buys me the right food.

P.s…I haven’t weighed myself but my size 7 jeans are loose again…O.O

Oh, and here is another poem!

Just came home from my bone density scan, it was pretty interesting to see what my whole skeleton looked like. I could see how big I was…. hard to explain. Anyway, before that my Oma and I went to go see my GP but instead of seeing Dr. Wong we saw a guy named Dr. Phil lol. He’s so funny and outgoing, wish I had him the whole time; he isn’t as serious as Dr. Wong. Anyway, I’ve lost more weigh; now weigh roughly 47kgs…bah oh well.

Then after that we went off and I had a blood test done, the woman that did it was so quick! And it didn’t even hurt! I think…I may be in love with her lol!

Well this Saturday my uncle and his girlfriend is moving in…so I got to go now and help clean Marnah rooms and put it into the tiny spare room. I have a bad feeling about it all but something deep inside keeps saying, “It’ll be ok.” My dad called me last night and I told him I was scared that Allan wouldn’t have changed and he’d be mean to me and call me names along with leaving the bathroom a pigsty and always getting his own way! My dad just replied, “If he gives you a hard time, tell Oma and if nothing is done tell him to fuck off or hit him over the head with a shovel!” lol, I like both those ideas hahaha.

Anyway, might update later…and here is another poem, I wrote it after I realized Ryan wasn’t going to call or visit me at all in hospital.

I met up with Sara today! She had a cut on her eyebrow and just under her right eye; he mum threw a glass at her although her mum said it was a mistake…

Anyway, it was great to see her, gave her a big hug! We both hung out at my place for a while and then she was off to a doctor’s appointment to see the results of a blood test. Sara said if anything on her test seems “dodgy she might have to go back into hospital! I don’t want her to go! Waa!

Also…Allan, my uncle is moving in with my Oma, Marnah and I…its going to be so cramped, Allan (my uncle which I hate) is moving in with his girlfriend and two dogs plus birds. I’m going to give it all two weeks and if its too much I’m going to think about moving in with Mark lol, nah…I guess I’ll just have to put up with it till I get into Narana.

I’m a bit nervous about tomorrow and this bone density scan, what if my bones are real frail? My Oma will be jamming high calories calcium food in me! But I am interested to know why my ankles are hurting so much, maybe its cause I've gone from hardly walking around in Austin for 7 weeks to walking 6kms a day…lol. Oh! I might be getting a part time job at the café I walk to every morning, seeing I’m pretty much OCD with cleaning the man that works there (which is cute!) offered me a job to collect coffee cups from out side, wash dishes and clean the tables! Wee! But I’m trying to really do nothing for a few weeks, I’m still getting used to the outside world lol.

OH! Sara is only and she just told me her results…they were all good! Which means she’s not going to hospital and we can hang out more!!! “Does happy dance” hahahahahaha

Anyway, I’ve been writing a lot of poems, might even post some…actually I’ll post one everyday, and next Wednesday I’m buying beads and making bracelets again which I’m going to sell.

So…to sign off I’ll leave you all with a poem…it was the first one I wrote whilst in Austin.

I've made it a ritual to wake up at 6:30 every morning, I leave the house by 7am and walk 3km to a coffee shop were I have a skinny cappuccino and then head all the way back. I do this all before I even have breakfast or anything. Takes me 45mins to walk there, 15 minutes to drink my coffee and then 45mins to get back…so I end up having my breakfast at about 9am.

Peter called me tonight again, we talked for a bit and are still friends, on the 28^th this month Marnah, Mark, Peter and I are all going to go see Spider man 3! As for Ryan, I txt him to ask if there was any centrelink forms for me but there wasn’t and now he is only but isn’t replying to me. Oh well, probably doesn’t have much to say to me anyway.

I was supposed to see Sara today but she had this family meeting at the doctors for something so I couldn’t see her, maybe tomorrow?

And talking about doctors, I went to go see Dr. Wong today, he took some blood so he can check my potassium and then I have to go to this place to check my bone density seeing my hips have been killing me…walking probably wouldn’t help that but oh well.

My dad thinks I’m over doing it with the walking, seeing I also go for a short walk to East field which is like a 10minute walk away but my Oma just says, “she’s eating healthy so its ok!” even though all my meals are tiny lol.

Well I’m getting pretty tired so I should head off to bed, my nighttime dose of Seriquil knock me out pretty fast.

Night night!

Well some bad nes people, i moved out of peters house and now I'm back at my omas. You see, im still very insecure about how i look...and well peter wanted to have sex but i didnt want to! Earlier we went to a place called Bimbo Delux, its like a club were you can play pool and stuff, pretty cool place. Anyway peter had had a bit to drink so he gets all...well smothering to say the least. We got back to his place at about 7pm...i started to do some sit ups and halfway through peter wonted to have sex but i was in no way interested...he asked why and i tried to tell him that i felt uncomfortable with the way my body looked but he just replied, "thats bullshit, im not gonna put up with this bullshut." i froze up for a minute and felt scared, so i went outside, had a smoke and then had a shower. I then crawled into bedwith him with a bowl of dried fruit and all he could do was friggin feel me up when i had already told him i wasnt interested. So he cracked the shits, rolled over and threw his pillow across the room. I got even more scared, i was like, "whats he going to do next? hit me? rape me even??" So i got p and went outside for a smoke, after about 10 minutes peter came out and said sorry for the third time and then said he was off to the old england (pub) and told me hed be back soon. The second he left i txt my oma and told her, i was crying my eyes out, woke up peters mum and she talked to my oma. That night peter came home at 4am, slept on the couch and i packed my stuff...peter kept crying for e to stay, cornering me in his room and tried unpacking my stuff.

But i ended up leaving...i feel alot safer here, i dont love peter tha much to really give him what he wonts...specially if he is a angry drunk! Ryan and i are still together i think, we're jus both taking a long break...but im not too worried about it, im just too mentally and emotionly drained from relationships...all i need right now is my family and friends. Hopfully tomorrow i get to see sara, miss her!! Also peter has tried to call me on my moble phone at least 12 times..i keep ignoring him cause he all he wants to sayis "im sorry, please come back, i miss you, im fucked without you." and crap...it just makes me feel even more guilty! When i was packing, peter, his dad and mum were ALL crying..i just sat there emotionless...it was like i had no soul or something, i still feel numb from it.

BUT, at least i feel safe, i missed marnah alot and now we're back to sharing a room...i think shes over the moon that im here, same with my oma seeing im kinda OCD with cleaning now...this house is gonna be sparkleing whilst im here hahahaha.

I'm still gonna keep up with my early walks, gonna wake up at 6:30am to walk about 2.5km to a coffee shop, have a coffee and head back...

So anyway...Happy mothers day to every loving mum out there...even my OWN...even though i dont knnow her...but one day i will.

P.S...if angie my butterfly sis sees this...i still love you to bits...im gonna keep in contact with you alot more ok? wuv you all! I'll try to update tomorrow sometimes when marnah isnt on hahaha. see yas

Well I'm now out of the damn hospital! I dunno how much i weigh but a big part of me want to lose weight...good thing is, i dont purge anymore, i just eat really healthy SMALL meals a day.

peter and i have been waking up at 6:30 am to go for a long walk down to these shops (about 2kms away), at the shops we stop at a coffee shop for a break and then we head back again ^_^, which makes eating breakfast alot easier.

I'm now also living with peter which is going ok, later on today I'm meeting up wit Nat, we're going to this market place thing...i dunno lol. I've also got a new a phone! yeay!! dunno the number as of yet lol, also been trying to contact Sara but with no reply, dunno why, maybe her phone is broken?

Anyway, i wont be able to update everyday as peter has a computer but no internet connection *pout*. I've been typing up all my poems that i made in the Austin...thinking about publishing them, dunno. I'm using a library computer for anyone that wonts to know lol.

God, im tired...X_X...

oh! tomorrow petere, me and peters whole family is going to the ZOO! ^.^, im gonna take heeps of pics with my new phone and then try to find out how to put em on the computer...i wanna go into tje butterfly house thingy! >.< lol. And then "maybe" next tuesday peter and i will be staying over at nats best friends house...well prolly get smashed and do something stupid...but itll be WORTH it....lol XD.

Well im gonna go, ran out of shit to say lol. next time ill try and reply comments.

see yas!

*cries* i feel like such a fucking fat THING...and because my potassium keeps droppingi must now stay in a wheelchair from 5pm (dinner) till 10pm or whe n ever i decide to go to bed. its sucks haarrdcore.

anyway, peter came and visited me todday, even though it was only for 15 or so minures T_T...he also bought me some dried fruit and nuts...and guess what else...SOME FLOWERS!!!!!! >.<...i think...i almost cried lol...makes me wanna work harder to get out of here,

but....im afraid once im out ill be back to my old ways...i havent recoverd in the slightest...ive just gotta fatter and fatter and thats it...it fucking sucks,,,ill never win over this demond in my head...itll keep tasuntingme till the day i die....

oh...i thought i was going home yesterday but that never happend...so maybe by next wednesday if my potassium stays level and i gain just 1kg...well till i reach 50kgs (shudder) ill get to go home...YEAY...and guess what...then i start allll over again, love weight, torment myself and end up in hospital again...YEAY, not.

BUT...ill be living with peters...i know myself i cant binge and purge there...so ill probably restriced hard core...sara has orderd me some heavy duty diet pills...tried em before, its like you're on speed lol...i dont care if its bad for me...i just wanna reach 40kgs...thats alll i want.

well i better get to bed...they uped my meds, 400mgs of seriquil in the morning and 600mgs at night..im a fucking walked fat corps lol.

night night ppl....oh, ps....*whispers* comment peters page its called peterstigers