this morning for my weigh in i weighed 48.7kgs!! arrgghh x_x...i feel like such a fat fucking cow, but i guess its one step forward to getting home -_-.

anyway, the communiting group here might be goiing out for coffee, ill update if i go, right now its nearly breakfast time...dont feel like eating anything at all or ever again but i guess i have to...wanna go home sometime this year! O_O

lol

today went pretty well. weigh in today read 46.4kgs...wow i gained like...a whole 100 grams -_-...so discharged for tomorrow looks pretty bleek...my only hope for going home tomorrow is if my potassium is up to a healthy level. i was supposed to have a blood test today to get the results for tomorrow but that never happend, so im going to get the blood test done tomorrow..waaa.

Anyway, i was taken to the narana place today by one of the nurses, the place looks pretty old but its warm and homely. The guy that runs the place explained to me what happens there and what they do during the week, the time table is packed full of activties so i dont think ill ever get bored! i just hope sara gets in with me, at least then i can relate to somebody there.

I wore my new camo colourd mini skirt today, i had grey tights underneath it...and guess what happend...one of the male patients here came and sat down next to me and then he started to rub my thigh!!! i totally freaked out and ran outside but he followed me! i thin hid behind this really big guy named Paul....the weirdo then went away hahahaha.

yeay, peter just arrived lol

now ive forgotten what i was gonna type lol...ill update again tonight...must hang with peterrr lol

    Nat one of the patients here had a bday party yesterday, it was so much fun! so i just wanted to post that sara took some pics...and im gonna post them! i look weird so dont laugh lol.

excuse the boob lol, i was trying some of saras ice cream tasted better then sex XD


Me and peter...this was after my 4th vodka and i was off my face! lol XD


Me and sara, we're best buds ^.^


Nat the bday girl and her boy andy , they make such a cute couple...oh and if you didnt relise, nat did my eye shadow XD


last one, just showin some love ;P.

after the party me and peter went to this pub and went on a pokker machine, we doubled our money but peter was so drunk he wanted to stay for more..i ended up dragging him out before he went out broke! hahaha. i also had over night leave which was pretty good. might be going home this tuesday coming...i just have to gain at least 1kg and keep my potassium at a healthy level....so fingers crossed!
tomorrow ill be going to check out naranna...hopfully i get in with sara.
i might update again tomorrow.

Alot has happend since my last update...too bad i cant remember half it due to the meds! lol. Well to start off i dont feel as depressed anymore, althought i do have my moments. Sara has gone home but i might be seeing her this saturday, Nat a girl here is having her 30th bday party at this coffee shop so hopefully i can go.

I've "sort of" got my purging under control, i manage to keep all 5 meals down a day...i have 6...the meal i have trouble with is my dinner...i dont know why, the voices are so loud after dinner. im also trying to stop cutting, so yesterday i had leave (which was great but ill get to that in a sec.) i bought some elastic bands, when ever i want to cut i slap myself with it, it stings like a bitch but at least it wont leave scars.

A new eating disorder patient has also moved in, her name is Vironica, she a bit taller then me but we both weigh the same i think...which reminds me, im losing weight "again"...even though im keeping 5 meals down ive dropped to 46.3kgs...i was 47.3 last monday...and last thursday i was 48.9....i just had a blood test before so im scared that my potassium will be low...i dont want to go back to hospital! or back into HDU...

Anyway, i wanna talk about yesterday!!! ^.^

I had leave, marnah and james arrived and picked me up, then we went to peters house and picked him up (nurses didnt know lol). We then went to this market place but it was closed seeing it was ANZAC day and we had to wait an hour or so till we could get it. So instead we went to this coffee shop were i shouted everyone lunch. I had a lite cappaccino, half a large cookie and some wedges which i shared with peter. After that we went back to the market were i bought some stuff i needed, i gave marnah $30 for this thing she wanted to order off the net but she went to this $2 shop and spent most of it!!! so then she asked for MORE money...which i gave her so in total i gave her $40 O_O...blah! lol...anyway i ended up buying myself, a coffee mug with a kitten on it, butterfly floating candles, a purple hair thingy, ciggy case, elastic bands, a note book, some bananna lollies, butterfly hair pin and some more lollies XD. peter ended up paying for most of it (shweet heart ) lol.

We then went off back to peters house and chilled out there for a while...i wanted marnah and james to go (wanted alone time with peter ;P hahaha) but i felt bad cause they drove 40 mins to come see me...so they stayed. Peter kissed me so much i dont think i need to clean my face at the end of the day hahahaha and hes so gentle ^.^. He comes and visits me every night at 7pm (if he is let in -_-) but it gives me something to look forward to.

Also last night when peter came to visit me both made each other beaded bracelets, i made him a orange and black one, same colours has the wests tigers rugby team, it had "XXX" on it haha, he made me a pretty purple and pink beaded bracelet that said "FUCKU" on it bahahahaha, love it XD.

Anyway, it time for my morning tea -_-'''....just wanted to tell everyone that im doing alot better despite my weightloss...my dad also apologised for how he has been towards me, so its all good.

p.s...ryan still hasnt contacted me since the 10th.  ._. oh well.

yesterday was just awful...im still so hurt, so cut by the conversation i had with my dad...i kept telling the nurse that i wanted to die but they all seemed too busy to care. i cut again and again and again...until i ran up to a nurse and told her, "im gonna go die now." i walked to my room and was moments away from downing a whole bottle of nail polish remover...but i stopped when i heard a knock on the door. i had to sign a form, it ws for me to go into HDU  (high dependencey unit). it was fucking bad in there, the court yard was about 10 meters by 5 meters, all concrete. tiny lounge room and a nurse supervised me non-stop. i hardly ate any of my meals, i was in there from about 10am to 11pm...im supposed to go back in there today but i can deny going in...

good thing is, peter called at least 5 times checking up on me, he tried to visit but was sent away cuz its "hospital policey"...fucking bullshit -_-.

i got weighed today too, 48.9kgs...X_X...i feel like dying, i feel so bloated ;_;. but im trying, oh god am i trying not to cut and purge...its so tempting.

oh and before i forget, my doctor is reffering me to a rehab unit called Narana...its like a bunch of flats were a nurse comes in everyday and talks to you, the place also has group outings, music therapy, writting corses and painting therapy...they also teach you how to live on your own...

why do i have a feeling ive already posted this? lol sorry if i did...my meds do that.

anyway, as i was in HDU Bronwen (phycho bitch that everyone hates) tried to hurt sara (other ED girl), she grabbed her by her hand digging her nails in and told her to come with her or shed inject her with a needle!! so wish i was there, would of fucking smashed her face in. but a guy that visited named Damien pulled sara away, then Bronwen went skitz and kicked a window in...she was then sent to isolation...LOL.

well im gonna go...im gonna give my nail polish remover to a nurse too...im scaring myself, my mind keeps saying, "just drink it, itll make everything better." T_T...i hate my mind so much, why cant it just fuck off and die already.

ill try my best to update later...and thanks for the comments! sorry if i dont reply, im feeling really down and its hard to know what to say when you're so negative...*pout*

hey ppl, long time no update.

i wish i could start off with saying, "im doing great!" cause the truth is im not, far from it...ill start off with my bday.

at about 2am 10th tuesday morning i was awoken by some nurses and then quickly had to pack to be rushed into the main austin hospital. my potassium was so low, i should be dead right now. i spent my 20th bday hoocked up to a drip...and i stayed on that drip for 3 days...they pumped 4 liters of acid burning potassium into me. i gained rocuhly 3kgs from it...but im pretty sure its all gone seeing it was just water weight.

Ryan also called me the night i was admitted into the main hospital...a bit late...im with peter now, but i have yet to tell him. peter was discharged from the acute ward the day i came back...he visits me nearly every night and we have both arranged for me to live with him when i get out...ill be living with him until im accepted into a rehab unit. it not that i dont want to live with peter...it just i need to start to learn how to live on my own, all my life i have lived were i depended on someone else and so i need help, for me if i was to move into my own place itll be like putting an 8yr old into a house...i have no living skills!

ive been trying my hardest not to purge but its been hard, very hard. i have a blood test coming up tomorrow or this afternoon...hoping tomorrow seeing ive stocked up on potassium pills. my doctor gave me a form to sign saying if my potassium goes down again ill have to sit in a wheelchair for a week! so im PRAYING that when my blood test results come back itll be all good!

ive got to say for the last couple of days ive felt..."good"...until my dad called this afternoon and lectured me saying i have to stop be so stupid and just eat, gain weight and get better...he said it like its just SO FUCKING easy to just wake up and be better...and then Wendy started saying in the background, "shes draining me! shes so draining!" and then went on about how SHES so ill and how HER tumor is effecting her so badly...its like everytime she calls its just about her and her fucking tumor...dad called ME to talk about ME...not to argue to wendy whilst i stand on the outside and listen...so i hung up on him, went to my room and sliced up my arm.

i told a nurse i also purged...i wish i didnt...but i did...i feel so fucking...ARGH...i dont know what i feel anymore. my dad said hes starting to get very  angry...i felt like screaming, "Well im so fucking sorry that im a mental fuck up! and im so fucking sorry that i cant just click my fingers and be better!" but no, i said nothing like i always do and hung up.

im so fucking sick of needles, pills and hospitals!! -_-...rant over...hopfully next update will be a little..happier.

Just this morning i got the best gift ever...and guess who it was from ;P..PETER! he gave me a plastic egg FILLED with white chocolate! And he also made a card saing happy birthday...together everyone *AWWWW* lol ^.^...i gave him a big kiss too!

So that was my "highlight" for the day, didnt get to spend the day with peter, doctors said i wasnt allowed to cause it didnt say i had "leave" today in my profile...what shit is that?! EVERYONE had leave but me...well at least everyone had visitors...no one came to see me today, oh and yes...ryan didnt call also -_-'.

But at least i got to expirience my first ever easter egg hunt! lol this morning me and Sara (non-ED sara) went around hiding tiny chocolate easter eggs out in the yard, it was so fun...

Man, everytime the front door bell goes off i go to look half expecting to see someone i know...my oma, dad, marnah...ryan even O_O...but no, no one there...only another family member to see a different patient.

BAH! i gotta go, afternoon tea time fuckingfuckfuck -_-'''

everyone here has weekend leave or at least a day leave on sunday...im stuck here by myself, well a few other people are here but i feel lonely without peter .

oh! my oma just called! she asked Jeff (one of the doctors) if i could go with peter tomorrow and see his family for a easter BBQ! ^.^ but of cause Jeff straight away said i could get pregnant -_-'...i was like WTF, ive only known this guy for like 2 weeks O_O...and i still havent spoken to ryan...its been 17 days and he hasnt even made a SMALL effort to conact me, to see if i was ok...-_-...well fuck it. I just hope i get to hang out with peter tomorrow.

My dad, oma, marnah and two of my old school friends are coming to see me next tuesday for my bday, im "actually" excited lol...im just a bit nervouse about a few things. like what do i say to ryan when i get out? will he dump me? or should i dump him first...i have no clue at all...a small part of me doesnt want to let go of him...we've been together for nearly 4 yrs...its just hard i guess.

Well anyway, i made peter a xanga XD...go comment him!! his xanga name is petestigers he like rugby so i prettied his site up to match his fav foot team ^.^.

ill update again later, maybe tomorrow.

till my 20th bday!!!! sooo excited, not...lol. Wendy just called ealier babbleing on about some crap that i didnt really wanna listen to...its like all the adults in my family call me when they are freaking out but when i complain they are like...phych ward!!! lo lXD. i think my dad should be in here and not me, hes beeing taking a tonne of valium with painkills and smirnoff, kinda makes me feel like itll be better that i stay here! O_O'' lol.

Anyway, peter is going to see his family on sunday for easter, not sure what im going to do tho...my doctor says if my potassium stays up high enough i "might" have a hour leave. but the weird thing is my potassium is dropiing for no reason, just 2 nights ago i was rushed to the main hospital to get a potassium drip in my hand which hurt like a fucking bitch >_<. felt like they were pumping acid into me, so they stopped just after 2ml O_O...and so they gave me potassium pills and this drink every 2 hours, i had about 20 pills and 1 liter of the drink X_X.

I also found out that my dad is going to be pretty busy for the next week so he probably wont be here for my bday but i dont really mind *violin playys* ill just stare at a wall...lol.

Ryan hasnt called or sent any email or anything, but it doesnt really matter anymore, the next time we do talk im just gonna tell him that "I'M' probably wasting his time and that it would be best just to go seperate ways...hell probably party lol...oh well.

Its getting SO cold here, all day ive warn layers and layers and layers of clothing, i think my clothes weigh more then me lol XD. oh, weigh wise i think ive gained 1kg back to the 2kg i lost on the first week here, my doctor even said that i could go home by the end of next week, but i dont really want to...like i do cuz i pretty much hate it here but i hate all the bad news ive been hearing from home...id rather live in a box lol. plus im not really that well yet...so i dunno how im going...blah, ive run outta shit to shit on about hahahaha.

ill update soon

It seems every time I come into this place my creative mind has exploded! I've already typed up a poem and a short TRIPPY story (which isn’t finished yet) and yet I have so much more I could just write for days and days.

First I’ll post the trippy story I wrote;

A Thousand Years in One Day

Purple leaves flutter softly down to velvet grass covered in fairy floss dreams. Mushroom fairies sing dramatically as petals from clouds cry happy tears softly seeping down my porcelain skin. I see pinkie purple birds crocking happily on their rainbow lily pads whilst aqua birds fly in outcast groups into the blood red turned sky, they whisper, “Stay, stay with me, go we don’t need you but stay, yes stay.” I prance upon razor blade grass, leaving tranquil blood footprints and I smile manically.  Today is a nice day to live to death, so lets gallop amongst the eggshells and hope we don’t slip into the potholes. Laugh till you bleed, cry till you fade away but don’t wait for the crystal moon to shine over a bright sun lit sky. Warm, so warm but cold, so cold, weeping sunflowers sing to their laughing roses, they laugh, “Our thorns will tear you apart!” But the sunflowers weep. “We’ll out grow you, we’ll reach past you and we’ll never forget you.”

So I think blankly with one thousand thoughts, thinking about one when another merges and the other takes over but when will one stay in place long enough for one day to a thousand years. I can’t hear the pixies anymore, I can’t hear the croaking birds and what do I hear? I hear the drum of a heart beat from a popular lonely man. I see him shuffling his tired feet along ice-cold fiery coals.

And I wonder yet know how these Angels sing among the water, sharpening their talons and horns, they sing so clearly, they sound magical, they sing, “We will peck the soul from your eyes, we’ll eat your spirit from your heart, we’ll cherish your flesh and sing happily as you die.” I smile as this popular lonely man weeps rainbow tears, we both laugh but for a thousand different reasons yet one reason makes so much sense that it makes no sense at all.

So I continue along the golden dust road, tripping over potholes and skipping over eggshells and suddenly I see a butterfly, as big as an eagle, its wings slowly change rainbow colours. This creature hypnotizes me and slowly I’m slowly drowned into its tranquil wings, devour me butterfly, devour me.

I haven’t yet typed up the poem but I'll do it tomorrow.
Anyway, I'm still improving with my meals, I'm very close to going off meal supervision so then I can eat my meals with PETER ^.^!!! lol. We both have formed a fairly close relationship...I'm having second thoughts about Ryan...he hasn’t called me once since I got here and I’ve been here for 8 days already...I even checked my email and there’s nothing...he probably enjoys me not being there I guess...but I’ve planned that if he doesn’t call or ANYTHING by my b'day then its obvious he doesn’t care at all -_-...

enough of that...just a funny incident happened this morning, peter and I had planned that who ever wakes up first will go knock on the others door. I woke up at 5:30am and decided to play my Nintendo game and clean up, then I had a shower...I had JUST got out of the shower when I hear a knock. I slowly peek through the crack of the door and surely enough...PEEEEter was there lol. So I opened the door only in a towel and wet hair lol...bet that image stayed with him for a while lmao XD.

The other ED patient Sara has had it a little rough here so I'm trying to support here as well as a mood patient called Tracey...I feel like some sort Dr. Phil lmao...a human form of valium hahahahaha.

So anyway, ill update again tomorrow with my poem...right now is my supper...nite nite lovelies  xoxoxoxox

P.S sorry bout caps...copy and paste stuffs my post up lol.