Sorry about the lack of updates...i havent been very well . i might make a video update on thursday cause tomorrow i gotta go out again.

as for today...i went to Dr Wong again for a check up, my potassium has gone from 2.8 to 3...so its going good...as for my weight...i now sit at 42kgs! im also very dehydrated....my tongue is as white as snow O_O' lol.

Nothing much has happend in the last couple of days...ive been mostly sleeping and shuffleing around the house trying to make the place look half tidy XD.

I'll make a proper update tomorrow, right now i must to some much needed cleaning!!! >_<

I've just come up with an idea...I've been thinking of posting video clips to my entries...so instead of reading my post you can just veiw me ^.^. although im the shyest thing in the world and it seems kinda scary but hell...ive had this xanga for over a YEAR, im sure 100s of people have veiwed my xanga and have seen my pics and all. im just scared someone might be mean and post that im ugly ot something -____-'''.

plus, typing just hurts my wrists so much now, the pain travels up from my wrists to my elbows...feels like of been holding my arms out for ages.

Anyway, i might start doing video entries tomorrow or the day after....first i wanna see what you all think about it! O.O.

So...what has been happending today and the past days that i havent updated?....NOTHING!! yup...nothing...ive gained weight though...45kgs...fuck...but its because ive been drinking tonnes of water, ive been so dehydrated, the veins in my arms and hands just pop up like crazy. so maybe its just water weight...i can lose it right?

Well ryan is at his guitar lesson right now...im just sitting at home...watching Will and Grace...lmao XD god im BORED.

Well ill go back to saturday...me and cat didnt go to the pool party as it was called off due to it being way too hot...it was an outdoor pool so everyone would of got burnt lol. so instead me and cat went back to her place...were she invited me to stay for a xmas party! so i stayed, she wanted me to stay over. by about 7pm me and cat had finiished a bottle of smirnoff and coke...we were the only pissed ones at the party lol XD...well until about 10pm anyway. cat then introduced me to her new bf Dan...hes 34...O.O...but really cute lol.

So by about 12am...i wonted to go home cause 1. there was so many ppl there and i was getting all soical anxiety, 2. cat was goin fuckin bonkers lol and 3. i was tired but couldnt sleep. so i called my dad and asked if i could stay at his place seeing it was nearing 1am and ryan would of been pissed if i came home drunk. so my dad gave me his key and told me to not wake wendy when i got in. so i slloowwwy opened the front door, fiddled around for the second lock and i was in...then right around the corner was wendy...she was leaning against the wall crying...i had scared the shit outta her! O.O. appearently about an hour before i showed up some ppl tried to break in, so when i was trying to get in wendy was there searching for this huge pole ready to smash who ever got in...thank god she never found it or id be in the hospital with a pole in my skull lol. so i stayed up till about 3am drinking wine till wendy was calm enough to go back to bed...i stayed up till about 4am and went to bed.

Then sunday 9am i woke up...it was already bloody hot...my dad made me some breakfast and i got ready then went home...ryan actually missed me, he doesnt like me being out so much lol...how on earth is he gonna survive when i go away for 2 weeks lol. Sunday was pretty slow, as i was tired and hungover most of the day.

but yesterday was good, wasnt too hot...went and saw the new 007  movie with my dad...james bond in it is a real mean bastard lol...love it, like he actually bleeds in this one haha...also love his taste in drinks...must make em as they consist mostly og smirnoff but he makes it look classy . Then when i got home i got this fuckin letter in the mail...yes, a fine...about a month ago i took the train home without buying a ticket and i got cought...so now i gotta oay $160 but the 27th next month...thank-fuckin-you...ARGH...-_-'''...dunno how im gonna pay it.

And then theres today...nothing happening, so i get to just sit at home...yeay..

oh...current weight....43kgs...even tho ive been eating like a fuckin pig...i dont get it either....

I said i was gonna update yesterday but i didnt get around to doing it.

anyway, today is the youth group last outting, so we're having a pool part!! ^.^...even though its gonna be 37-40 degrees and ill probably come home looking like a lobster lol but oh welllll! I'm kinda nervouse to go swimming though, dunno why...im feeling grossly huge again V_V. I keep checking the youth groups website in hopes of pictures from the water skiing trip but they havnt posted them...ill have to ask the youth group leader today.

Last night i told ryan about inpatient and how long ill be gone for...he didnt seem upset at all, in fact he was happy if anything, he said, "It's for the best, do you want to go?" I mummdled a little as i have weird feeling about it...my whole routine which revolves around my eating disorder and other OCD things will be totally screwed...there will be no getting up at 6am, have a smoke and a coffe, by 9am i binge, 10am i clean, workout till 12pm...and so forth...no laxatives at night either, no 7+ coffees and half a pack of smokes...i have a feeling ill come home a mental wreck lol.

My dad is also the same, he says its great that im going...he just wants to be able to play tennis with me again. before all this i was REALLY good at tennis, i remember i would play at night in adult teams, i was only about 13-14 but i hit the ball harder then any of the adults that had been playing for over 5 yrs. and now, i can hardly hold my tennis wracket...and well i cant really run around with fear of my heart stopping O_O. and everytime i hit the ball my whole body just aches. I remember last night marnah called me and told me about how my oma explained to my dad for the first tme about IP as earler yesterday i first told my oma about it thinking my dad would be angry if i told him. my oma told my dad that my potassium is so low its effecting my heart, my dad just kept saying, "i dont believe it, its not true, they are lying!" my dad doesnt really believe i have a problem because everytime i see him i eat "alot" i dont "purge" and im always making funny jokes...but its really just a mask, my dad tend to get angry when he sees me upset which in turn makes me cry and makes him even angrier...o.O'. So he thinks its great that im getting help cause he doesnt wanna have his monday visits at a grave, hed rather have a drink with me and a few prawns on the BBQ.

I've also noticed ryan is being alot nicer even though he was pissed of the other day when i was passed out from drinking...its like, the moment i told him im going away soon he just suddenly forget hes was angry and becomes all nice...he ACTUALLY hugged me last night...i had almost forgotten what that felt like.

I'll update more later...

the austin hospital called me back today. the first week of next month ill be admitted and will be spending 2 weeks there...I'll be staying in a psychiatric ward along with patients with mood problems and young teen mothers...O_O...yeay? i can already feel an anxiety attack creeping in.

I have yet to tell my dad and oma...might tell em later.

I guess its all good...there want just be eating disorderd patients...there will be patients of a normal weight so i want feel like the fattest one there.

I'll update more later.

I called the Austin hopsital...its happening...in 4 weeks i will be going into inpatient, dunno how long...but i got 4 weeks...so porbably just after new yrs ill be packing my things...im so fucking scared, i feel like crying.

i feel like all the other girls there are going to laugh at me when they see me, they will be like "why is SHE here, she is so fat...she cant possibley have a eating disorder...i bet shes here for attention." itll be like my first day at high school...dont know anyone, feel like you're walking on eggshells, say one wrong thing and you're outcasted.

When i leave i will be bringing a book like i was last time...which i will write in everyday, so when i come back i will post it all here for you all to read.

as you can tell ive soberd up a bit, my last post was pretty ,morbid...but it was true, very true...just goes to show how close and easily i can breakdown...how emotionlyand physically stressed i am.

i wonder if you can smoke there? i fucking hope so, ill be stressed enough as it is and without smokes...i may just have to kill someone...or myself but i dout it.

when ryan came home today, i was fast asleep on my bed...passed out from drinking. he got so fucking angry he actually grabbed my arm and tried to pull me out of bed...but i couldnt move...there is a small bruise forming on my arm. he then shouted, "if i catch you like this one more fucking time you can pack your shit and LEAVE!" i then mumbled a sfot "sorry" and then he shouted, "pull your fucking shit together! i cant talk to you like this, when you're so fucked!!! why cant you just be fucking normal!" then he stomped off and played his guitar.

and that is why i wrote that poem, i came so close to skulling the whole 2liter bottle of smirnoff it was almost scry...but i held back and called the austin instead. i havent tpld ryan tho...im going to be extra good for the next 3 and a half weeks...im gonna clean like i have OCD, wont drink...be a complate angel to him...and then when theres only 3 days to go i will tell him im leaving for a while...see hoe he reacts. i wonder if hell even miss me whilst im gone...eh, i wouldnt suprised if i came back and he had found someone else.

but...he doesnt know...that i have a very deep crush on someone...just for some unknown reason...im still very much in love with ryan...

drink to numb the pain,
drink again, drink again.
the world keeps spinning,
no ones winning here this time.

Drink to numb it all,
ill wait here till you fall.
ill laugh at all your flaws
no one loves you.

Why stay when you lie,
Why stay when you can die.
worthless teen,
doesnt desrved to be seen.

drink to dumb it all!
Ill lay here till i fall.
and when i do, do not catch me,
im falling too fast....

I'm such a waste of life...why must i live when it can end by the blade of a knife.

Well i got my new bank card in the mail yesterday...so i was pretty happy about that but i was confused as i didn't get a new pin number. so i just assumed it was the same as my last card, so to make sure i call up the bank and ask...they said they send off a new pin number separate from the card for "security" reason....-_-'...so i cant withdraw anything till i get the damn pin number...i should get it either today or tomorrow...but i want it "today" lol...XD.

Anyway...as i type i'm going make that "call" to Austin...i'm still shit scared tho...so ill update once i finished calling them...O.O'''

Ok i'm back, well that was a waste of my time lmfao...the dr that left the message on my answering machine left the wrong fucking number lmao XD. got this old lady, wasn't even a hospital number bahahaha. so ill just have to call dr Wong and see if they called him or get the proper number of him...which i will do much later.

god damn it, i want my pin number!! >_<

Back...today was so bloody boring...i was hoping to go out and buy some new shoes and swimming gear, maybe some presants for wendy and my dad...but no! no pin number showed up...maybe tomorrow?

As for my weight...i have no idea what i weigh and i really dont want to know...i did how ever measure myself and im pretty much all the same as when i last weighed myself at 44kgs...so i dunno...only times im gonna know my weight is when the doctor weighs me as weighing myself everyday just makes me depressed...and im just starting to feel good about myself...just a tiny bit good, like 2% lol...and i dont want that tiny percentage to be crushed cause of a damn scale! lol

Back yet again, just a quick post...ryan is in the other room playing his guitar...so i got bored and took a picture of him ^.^

i wish my cheek bones showed this much. waa hahaha...he sounds pretty good on the guitar...i think i might videa record him and post it her tomorrow ^.^

So i went out today, handed in my form...got my new bank card, sorted my new bank details out with centelink AND now they are sending me a new healthcare card. so i got alot of shit sorted. anyway my dad also met up with me so i decided to go back to his place were we had some BBQ prawns...tasted nice ^.^...enjoyed it for once *gasp* was that me talking? lol anyway then the vodka came along...lol ooohhh noooo hahaha. nah i only had one glass and said that was enough...didnt wanna get piss faced again hahaha.

So over all it was a good day, friggin hot but good. but thheeennn...i get home...one missed call on my answer machine...and guess who it was from...The Austin Hospital O_________O...*thunder storms*...they want me to call em back...i am fucking shitting myself...what if they want me to go IP...omg im not ready! im FREAAKKKIINNGGG out! should i call em? what will they say? omgomgomg...i dunno what to do! what do i do? ARRGGHHH...i need a drink -_-'...lmao.

yesterday i went and saw my dad...i drank soooo fucking much...omg...i was beyond smashed lol.

just a little line for you all to read...ill update allll about it when ryan goes to work ...its full of laughs hahahaha

back! Well going back to yesterday, my dad calls at about 9am asking what i was doing...said i wasnt doin much so he invited me over as wendy has been feeling a little down due to her ear.

first we went shopping then we were off to my dads place. *fuckin hell, i have a eyelash in my eye!* ahem..anyway, at about 1:30pm i decide to have something to eat to make my dad happy and then he invited this other girl over that lives next to him. Her name...i cant even remember lol, well lets call het Kath...i think it started with a "K" anyway hahaha. My dad started drinking VB and Kath also drank VB whilst wendy had some wine. My dad offerd me some vodka and lemonaid but i refused at first...but when 2:30 came along Kath shouted out, "Mekah feels left out!" as i was the only sober one lmao...so my dad pour me some vodka and off i went. by the time my second drink was finnished Kath and I were in some deep convo about her being amazed by me and how mature i was. she couldnt believe i was only 19 as most 19 yr old rather be out at clubs and such and that id rather sepnd my time with a couple of "old farts" lol. I told her, i was born too late...i belong in the 70's hahahha which is true...the hair style back then, the fashion, the music...it all suits me much more then todays crap but eh. Anyway by this stage my dad was playing chess with Kath's sonn brendan and i was pouring my own drink. now normal i have less then 1/4 cup of vodka and th rest lemonaid...but it was the other way round lol as i was too drunk to relise how much was vodka and how much was lemonaid. My dad stood up as he relised i couldnt sit still on my chair, i was waving around like crazy!!! hahahaha. then my head slammed onto the table and everyone was laughing XD. "I think i need to lay down." i giggled. so my dad carried me to the spair room were i layed down and my dad took off my shoes. "you piss head" my dad laughed...lol. After about 20mins i got up and went to the toilet, bouncing off the walls in the hall way like a ball in a pinball machine hahaha.

I then walked back into the living room and fell onto the bean bag. the vodka hit me SOOO hard and quick, i have never been this drunk in my life!! the world wouldnt stop moving! lol...i couldnt even roll a bloody smoke haha. So dad called ryan to pick me up as there was no way i could walk to the station cuz i would of ended up in china somewhere hahaha.

As ryan showed up he carried me to the car were i flopped around like a rag doll on the way home....at this time (7pm) i started getting sick...the car stopped in our drive way, i flung out the door and *woof* puke everwhere lol...first time in ages ive puked without making myself puke.  Ryan helped me to the house and i hurried to the toilet and puked again and then layed down infront of the washing machine next to the toilet...i could NOT move! So ryan walked in, took my boots off which were now coverd in puke lol...and then went to help me up but i told him to leave me as the slightest movment made me wanna hurl lol. So he got a pillow and some blankets and thats were i fell asleep till about 9pm hahaha. He told me to drink some water as i lay there but holding a water bottle was too much effort. Scratchy even knew i was totally fucked so he kept me warm by sleeping on my hip hahaha.

After about 30mins of trying to motivate myself to get up, i got up...went to the toilet and stumbled into bed.

And now...my head fucking hurts...when i woke up my first thought was..."Well that was fucking stupid." lol...im never ever drinking that much again!!!!! X_X

Back...Just came home from my Drs appointment. He referred me to the Austin Hospital (the one that rejected me for IP for not being "ill" enough)...it was mainly for OP but we'll see how we go. Now when i walked in he asked to weigh me...i stood on the scale and looked away and said i didnt wanna know what i weighed...but the moment i stood up he blurted it out -_-'''...ive gained a whole kg and a half! FUUUCKK...telling me what i weigh when i KNOW ive gained doesnt help me in my recovery...now it feels like ive just taken 10 steps back...thanks Dr fucking-Wong...ARGH X_X. Anyway as he was writting out my referral he asked if i would be up to going into IP if they accept me...i paused for a moment and said yes...i really ment no but i said yes anyway -_-'. Then he handed me another blood test form which i will do this thursday.

I still havent got my new bank card in the mail and i get paid by centre link this wednesday! So tomorrow when i hand in my form i will have to tell em to not pay me till i give them my new bank details...such a pain in the ass.

Anyway ill go back before i went to the  doctors...i spent some time with my dad even though he was cranky and hungover lol. We went to a second hand shop to buy a new wine glass for wendy as my dad smashed it last night lol. So he bought wendy a glass, himself a glass and also bought me a wine glass that had a painted picture of a flower on it ^_^...wee my very first wine glass hahahaha...although ill be using it for diet coke and not vodka for a fair while O_O.

Then we had some lunch (yes im a lard ass..mooo) and then to the doctors.

So now im home, tired, head ache...wanna sleep sooo badly...but i have to clean up so ryan isnt anymore pissed off at me...as i think he isnt in the best of moods since last night lol. oh well hahahahaha...gotta have SOME fun seeing he doesnt take me out anywhere...-_-''