I took this the same time i took the pic below this post

LOLLLL!! look at my frizz and my glasses XD...you can see the relection of my tv on them hahaha...and yes...there are lots of bruises on my legs.

and you might be able to see a tiny bit of my xmas tree on the top left f the pic ^_^...enjoy the funnyness haaha.

My dad just came over, dropped off my potassium pills and a large can of Ensure. Before he left he hugged me and said as thought he was gonna cry, "Please get better, i dont know what ill do if you left me." I felt tears burning my eyes. when he let go i could see the tears building up in his eyes, he quickly left. Suddenly i feel so selfish...

So i took a potassium tablet and right now im having a glass of the ensure...will two scoops of ensure powder make me fat?

I'm gonna be seeing Dr Wong again next monday, he still wants to talk to me about my blood test results...its seriouse. So I have to try my altermate best to not purge, which means no binging...little bits of food, just enough to not make me bloated. or maybe ill just have the ensure, its like a full meal but in a glass...so i dont get bloated and it digests quickly.

I so badly want to get better, i cant fucking stand hurting everyone around me like this...i want to be able to go over to my dads and look healthy and happy in his eyes, i dont want to see tears of pain and worry from him but tears of happiness...i dont want him to worry but i want him to be proud.

but all this seems soooo fucking HARD even tho i want it so bad...I just want to go into some recovering program already....i just want the help so i can get better, i CANT do it alone...even though i have support on here, it just isnt the same as support from someone that has learned all this stuff for years.

I'm gonna update later...i feel like im gonna ball my eyes out -_-'

Back, just updating seeing ryan is out at his guitar lessons.

My dad called up earlier and asked how i was going with the ensure...yes he checked up on me only 4 hours after seeing me lol. i told him i had a glass the moment he left, he was pretty happy about that and also asked if i had kept it down, i said yes and then he got all emotional again and told me to call him when i feel i cant keep something down...that i talk to him when i need to purge...then he said bye and that hell see me monday.

I felt like crying again when he hung up...as ive thrown up 3 times today and not once did i call him...it feels like im giving everyone false hope...but i AM trying...i really am...i just dont know were to start.

Ryan seems a little happier today, probably because its a friday...but that doesnt mean works over till monday...nooo...he HAS to go into work tomorrow cause there so mcuh work! hes pretty pissed about that...but i guess the upside of it is hell be getting paid twice as much per hour...meh...ill be lonely...wait...im "always" loney V_V *pout*

Dear God,
                Please let me live to see my 20th birthday.

From Mekah.

you're own bf starts buying himself viagra? yes...i was looking for my meds in my cupboard when suddenly i see these weird tablets ive never seen before...read the label...Viagra...O_O....does this mean im just sooooo fucking ugly that ryan isnt sexually attractive to me anymore that he has to take fuckin PILLS to be turned on?

-_-'....i dont wanna ask him either...ryan got so angry this morning. scratchy was in the living room and he was getting sick o the carpet so i was sitting next to him patting him...i dont care about puke seeing i see it everyday and i was just gonna clean it up. but ryan got real angry and pushed me real hard and tripped over and hit my head! and then ryan picked scarcthy up and threw him real hard outside. i havent seen scratchy since, i hope he didnt run away.
and then he left without saying bye or even checked if i was ok or anything.

i wanna go to my dads but he is angry at me, yelled at me yesterday. it feels like the more i talk about my ED the angrier everyone gets at me...its like, why did i say anything in the first fucking place. and now i feel like ryan is slowly going to leave me.

Why did i even have to wake up this morning?

I'm back...Dr Wong just called me about my blood test and cardiograph...everything is ok  BUT...my potassium is a whole 20% lower then it should be O___O'. So now when i go back in i gotto pick up these potassium tablets, he wants me to come in and do it today seeing he seemed pretty worried about it. so i called my dad to see if he could get em and drop em off...no one home, mobile switched off. so i call my oma and see if she could do it...no one answers...no answering machine. im like "what the hell?" then it hits me...wendy is in hospital getting her operation done...and dad doesnt even call me to ask me along -_-'...oh well...i hope it all goes ok with wendy.

ill just have to call my dad tomorrow.

So i was on the train on my way to my omas house for my doctors appointment when suddenly i get this sharp as pain in my chest. it was like someone had stabbed me with a sharp knife! i couldnt breath, my left arm went all numb...i just sat there holding my chest waiting for the worst to happend...when as fast as it came...it went away. I was so tired afterwards i just wanted to go to sleep!

So when i got to my omas i told her about it, shes very worried...so when we got to Dr Wongs she told him. Now im not sure with whats happending with IP yet...but right after i spoke to the doctor ome and i went off to get a blood test done AND a cardiograph done for my little heart hic-up O_O. ill find out the results next tuesday...but IP is looking dim...i'll probably end up going to an OP program.

Anyway, after the tests oma and i then went off and had a coffee together...it was nice to finally talk to each other...its been soooo long since shes been nice to me. She kept giving me exsamples of celebs that had got anorexica but recoverd...she even told me about some of her friends daughters recoverd...i guess she was trying to give me hope....im still shit scared.

I've also found out that tomorrow wendy goes into hospital for a operation to get a tumor removed from the inside of her ear! hope everything goes well.

When i got home my dad called and practically blasted me, my oma told my dad about my heart stuff up...he was so angry at me...he was like, "its cause you're dehydrated! drink some water for fucks sake!" he was angry cause hes worried that i might fall over and die at any moment...its the same with ryan...hes compeltly ignoring me...but does this make ME feel any better? no...its more of a guilt trip then anything....-_-.

And to top everything off...ive lost my fucking wallet...my bank card, ID, health card, medical card...everything was in that wallet...and its fucking GONE ;_;. so i gotta cancel my bank card and renew it before next wednesday when i get paid...fuck fuck and fuck....oh and i cant buy smokes till i get a new ID card seeing i look friggin 14 and im always asked for my ID...arrghh...i need a fucking drink...-_-''''.

On better notes...next week sometime marnah and her friends have set up a pool party for a yr 12 grad party thingy...dunno why I'M invited but ill go anyway.

Well im gonna go...update tomorrow.

 ok beforei post the pic i just wanna say that this is a very very bad pic lol. bad lighting, ver very tired and frizzy hair lol...so bare with me hahahaha.

yes i look horrid i know i know i know lol...just take into account that im hung over still from yesterday and soo soo tired. yes laxatives do that, they wake you up at 2am and you continue waking up every 2 hours. then when u gotta get up at 6am its kinda hard to look half alive lol.

so enjoy and laugh at my glasses...i know i sure am XD.

p.s...ive also posted it on my myspace seeing the pic on my xanga is a little hard to see with the see-thru background and all. here is my myspace http://www.myspace.com/vvbutterflyvv

Ahhh god ol' IP referring. WHAT will the doctor say THIS time? I can just picture it, "You're still not too ill/thin, just dont drop below 40, heres a number to call for an OP program." if it end up like that im just gonna say "fuck you" and walk out then come back when i weigh 34kgs. i know ill be the biggest one in IP but im not there to compete with "whos the lightest" im there to fucking get my life back -_-'''. yeah i just gotta keep telling myself that.

I was going to weigh myself today but my oma called and told me she talked to Dr Wong (my family doctor and the one the referred me the first time) and i have to go see him at 12:30pm tomorrow. hes probably going to do some blood tests and then weigh me...so there was no point in weighing myself today, getting upset with what i saw and then not show up tomorrow cause im "too fat" to leave the house. I'm actually a little scared to go into IP...its like im not totally ready to let go or something. I gave angie my myspace password and my xanga password...so if i do get sent of to IP shes gonna log in and get rid of anything ED related. so when i come back there will be nothing to "trigger" me...god i love her to death.

Also wendy went in for a head scan yesterday, she fell over in the bath and hit her head. the doctor called this morning and wants to talk to her...im worried. my dad is gonna call back later and tell me about it.

so ill update then.

Back, my dad called and told me about wendys head scan...she has a tumor near her ear. its not the cancer kinda tumor i dont think. my told me what it was and i googled it cause he wanted me to explian to him what it was...its like this tumor thingy that grows near the nerves inside your ear which effects your hearing...thus why wendy needs a hearing aid in each ear. my dad is pretty worried about it.

this picture relates almost exactly how i feel...trapped in a prison that only exists in my mind...only difference is...theres a ladder, a way out...but will i choose to climb it...am i brave enough? am i strong enough? am i good enough? so many questions that i feel just too tired and weak to answer, but i have to at least try...but look at how high the walls are...its so far up...what if i fall? its so far down...sometimes i feel that it would just be easier if i didnt try at all, save me the pain of trying but to only slip 2cms from the surface.

Well theres no pics of water skiing as of yet...so ill start back on friday night.

Cat showed up and then a while later her dad picks us up and takes us back to her place. Its about 6pm at this time and we decided to watch a movie, got bored so we went for a walk to eastfield. At first we were only there to buy some smokes when cat suddenly wanted to buy some drinks...so i thought...why not? So we bought 4 bottles of woodstock each. we were half way home, half a bottle down and i was already drunk...half a friggin bottle ppl! and in less then 20 minutes...god i suck lol. Anyway we snuck into cats room making sure her mum and dad didnt see the bottles lol. Continued to watch the movie whilst drinking. At about 9pm cat had finnised her whole 4 pack, wasnt even drunk and i was just finnishing my second and i gotta tell ya...the wolrd was spinniinngg! So then i started on my third and gave my 4th to cat as i couldnt take anymore....then suddenly cat says, "I gotta show you something." She leans down side of her bed and pulls out something...a fucking HUGE purple dildo with flashing lights...omfg. She turns it on and goes to poke my arm...i freak out jump outta bed but because im way beyond drunk i stumble back, fall over and knock my head on her bedside dresser. i wake up with cats mum looking down at me...i wake up and laugh my ass off. yup, we were both in trouble lol...but her mum didnt send me home as i was too drunk to even walk lol.

so at about 1am...yes 1am...we still havent slept...we both get up to go outside for one last smoke before going to bed. Cat had to hold my hand hahahaha, had a smoke outside whilst watching fire works going off somewhere, i trip over the front door step...stabbing toe which hurt like a bitch by the way. and then finally we both fall asleep at 2am....and then we had to wake up at 6am...all hung over...yeah we're so smart lol.

So we both tiredly have a shower and shuffle down to the church...i was sooo grumpy, i was tired, still a little drunk and just heading towards being hung over...arrgghh. so everyone showed up at about 8am and off we were...took 2 hours to get...man my ass was sore lol.

I was first to go on the dougnut, i went with marnah...it was....scary. the waves hurt my ass sooo much lol. At one point marnah flew off a wave and landed on my friggin HEAD! and then i flipped off the dougnut and went skidding acorss the water lol. After that i got changed and slept, moped around. i felt too sore, tried and cold to get back into the water. But it was fun watching everyone else face plant the water hahahaha. Thne lunch time came round and there was hot dogs...arrghh...and i had one fucking hell. but it made me feel better i guess -_-'. I then went back to sleep and by the time we had to leave everyone was sunburnt but me...cuz i was inside the car most of the time lol!!

We got back to the church when cat relised $35 was missing from her wallet, she made a big deal of it it...annoying, she prolly spent it without knowing lol.

So then i go back home and just died lol...so tired. so that was saturday!!!

Nothing really intresting happend on sunday...but on sunday night my oma called and wanted to talk to ryan! She was asking him if he noticed how ill and thin ive become and asked if he was trying to help at all. he said he did notice and was trying to help but said i do my own thing anyway...so eh.

And as for today....ill update later

ok im back, had to cut it off a bit seeing marnah called...my grandma got on the phone and started lectureing me..bah...they dont understand -_-.

anyway...today i went out to see my dad! had a smoke with him...3 glasses of vodka too...now im pissed off myface...dunno HOW i got home lol. AND...i got my eyes checked...and i do need glasses! so my dad bought me some...right there and then...$200! so ima waling around with glasses...i look weird...look like a library person lol. ill take a pic later..maybe tomorrow. right now im trying to tpe and cant really do that, have to keep deleting letters so it doesnt all look like oen big mess! hahaha. So now im gonna go clean, well try to anyway..then feed scratchy, hes crying lol...then sleep...sooo tireddddd.

Well ill update again tomorrow. see yas.!

yes...the heading says it all people. I was so nervouse during the week about not reaching 44kgs by saturday that i didnt weigh myself and kept telling myself i wouldnt weigh in till friday. So this morning i step on the scale annddd....*drum rolls* 44kgs!!!!! i have reached my november 25th goal with one day to spair...and now i plan to not eat all day today and all day tomorrow at water skiing and then eat when i get home...ill be buggerd but eh.

So anyway yesterday was pretty awkward to say the least. First i went to my omas cause she wanted to talk to me...very weird as she hates me and you know what she wanted to talk about? sending me away to a MENTAL hospital...yeah she thinks im crazy...well excuse me oma...im not the one that loses her coffee and finds it 2 hours later in the freezer. i might be mentally unstable but im not fucking crazy....so i decided to leave and bumped into James. for those of you that dont remember who he is...he is my lonnggg time friend from primary school, we;ve been friends since i was what...12? well on and off friends...we arnt as close as before "i dont think". so anyway he noticed i was upset and was very suprised at my weight loss seeing the last he saw me i weight about 54kgs. We decided to go swimming with marnah and the "gang" which consisted of Me, James, Jeff, Ashleigh (his gf) and marnah. So first we went back to my place were i picked up my bikini and then off we were.

The awkwardness began the moment i walked out in my bikini...in front of everyone marnah screems, "Mekah you're dissapearing!!" people start to glare at me as they walk past. i felt like every eye was on me...and it was a swimming lesson day with heeeeps of high school kids O___O. We went swimming for about an hour before we decided to get some lunch...more awkwardness. James bought every 2 patatoe cakes but bought me....4 and in front of lady serving the cakes he said, "Now we're gonna watch you eat  it ALL and you have to keep it DOWN." the lady looked at me and quickly looked away. i got so pissed off, well inside i was outside i had as much emotion as a brick wall. so i walked outside and lit a smoke...james followed.

He kepy asking me what happend and why i got so thin and that i had to eat, kept blamming my weightloss on ryan as marnah had told the whole group that it was ryans fault that i was "bulimic". yes she told everyone. After about 10 mintues of james blabbering i just spat out, "2 years ago i was raped by a close friend..." silence...james didnt say another word.

Then 3pm came along and we all decided to leave as the pool was packed...i went home...

p.s...i never ate the patatoe cakes.

back...cat just called me and said shes gonna pick me up at 4pm...im going to be staying over at her house so ryan doesnt have to get up at 530am to drive me to the church for water skiing. im kinda nervous about tomorrow...and im nervous about staying over at cats. what if her perants want me to have dinner with them? i def cant purge at her house O_O. ill just say i had diner at my place...and then theres the whole sleeping in a different bed...bah its gonna take me forever to get to sleep tonight.

Well im gonna go have a shower then head out...gotta stock up on food for ryan seeing my fat self binged on most of it lol.

ill update later....

ok im back, last update. I'm feeling very paranoid right now...my dad just called and he seemed "too nice" like it started off like this...Dad: "You doing anything sunday?" Me: "No, not really." Dad: "Well how about i come pick you up and just you and me spend the day together and then i take you back home?" Me: "OK! ^___^" And then i told him about water skiing and he told me to have fun and so forth and so on...anyway the reason WHY im paranoid iiis...he says all this onle one day after i saw marnah at the pools and her making a big fuss over me being all skeletal and such. so what IM thinking is...marnah told my dad how thin i have become, my dad has gotten all worried and is planning something on sunday. and remember...just yesterday my oma was saying i had to go to a mental hospital...so im feeling quit uneasy right now. but maybe im just being overly paranoid and my dad just wants to spend sometime with me as we havent really spent more then 2 hours together in the last month lol.

oh and to bring up a funny lil story from last week when i saw my dad. as he now knows i smoke...he offerd me one and i rejected it. he asked if i was quitting and i said no then he asked "what? you dont wanna smoke in front of me?" i said yes and then he called me...a knob...a KNOB....lmao XD...its was pretty funny.

anyway thats it till monday...ill tell you all how water skiing went and hopfully someone from the youth group will take pics so i can post them all for you. ^_^

My grandad "pop John" sent my dad a letter the other day from Sydney. You see for the last couple of months my dad has been asking him for advice about me...pretty weird seeing ive seen my grandad like 3 times in my whole life and everytime ive seen him he was getting high with my dad...we've never had a converstation about anything...so he doesnt KNOW me at all. Anyway my grandad said that everything i "do" as in stealing, losing weight, cutting...is ALL for attention....that theres really nothing wrong with me and that my dad should just ignore me and ill grow out of it seeing im not getting any attention...like wtf! -_-''. So now even my grandad is trying to turn my own dad against me...ill just add him to my "people that hate me list", bottle it away like i always do and save it all for a rainy day i guess.

And then theres mark, hes all depressed cause he thinks all his friends have turned against him so he comes onto msn and asks ME what to do...like what would i know? all of my so called friends have forgotten about me...just 4 days ago one of my close friends from high school had a birthday party and i wasnt even thought of! And theeen caitlyn is all depressed cause her mum yells at her and she cant find a bf so she calls me up and asks me why the world hates her and why she is so fucked up...but yet again what do i know? I myself am completely fucked up as all of you know lol. And then marnah is upset cause shes depressed about her weight and then asks me how she can lose weight...so i try to give her advice and say that she has to eat "healthy food" and "exercise" but then she gets into an argument and tells me "thats not how YOU lost weight!" so i said i had to go seeing i didnt wanna fight and in return she replied, "yeah, go and throw up."....thanks....-_-'.

It seems everyone is so upset and turning to me....why??? why be depressed and ask a depressed person how to be happy? it doesnt make sence to me...so instead i block it all out and pretend everyone is happy...or pretend I'm happy...either way it feels like the world is over and we are allll gonna drown in our own tears.

yesterday was hot as and today is gonna be hotter...36 degrees! meblourne weather is nuts lol.

anyway...yesterday i went and saw my dad...he was drinking and got into a huge fight with wendy. he picked up his own xmas tree and destroyed it! he also slapped wendy across the face...and what was i doing during all this...looking away out the window wondering why i was even there. so i stood up and left...I ended up walking home in the blistering heat...and i ended up with a painful blister on my foot which is now badly infected O_O'.

When i got home i cleaned as much as i could before stripping down to my undies and falling asleep on my bed lol. When ryan came home i noticed he was looking at me weirdly...he said, "Whats happening to you?" he was looking at my rib cage and hip bones sticking out. he finally notices how small ive become....and all i had to do was lay almost naked dying from the heat on my bed lol...bah. he said its pethetic how thin i am and said it looks like i have a eating disorder...that one almost made me laugh lol...it "looks" like i have a eating disorder...when ive had one for over 2 yrs hahaha.

Well its 4 days till water skiing and i still weigh 45kgs....im yoyoing between 44.5 and 45...i dont think ill make it to 44 but eh...i was 50kgs just a couple of days before november started so ive done pretty good i think.

I also need to buy some board shorts tomorrow....im still a bit scared i wobble my ass around lol, id rather it being coverd up.

oh and to make things sooo much better....4 days before water skiing and i get my fucking period...PERFECT!! -_-'....fucking monthly cure of doom...thanks! oh well, at least i didnt get it on the day! lol that would be wonderful hahaha.