i update...gee its nearly been a whole damn week!!

Anyway...caitlyn...which i havent seen in forever! came over today...we went to eastland were i bought that dress i wanted so badly...and i took some pics...i look awful in them so beware!


The dress looks kinda baggy on me...but i like it baggy seeing i dont feel so big...the blue straps on the dress are a bit long (or my boobs are too small lol) so my bra keeps showing and the straps always fall down! dunno what to do...oh well...maybe if my boobs get small enough i wont need a bra...lmao


I also bought a bracelet...but it was too big for my wrists so it kept falling over my knuckles...so instead...i turned it into an arm bangle!! ^_^...i bought the bracelet from the same shop i got the dress...and actually when i first saw this bracelet (like 6 months ago...yes no one had bought it since lol) i tried to put it on my arm but my arm was too fat!..made me happy ^_^....even tho my arm still looks FAT as....-_-'


And i also took 2 pics of me smiling just to show how happy i was today ^_^....even tho ive gained a kg!! >_<...but im going to try and stick to a diet plan...instead of b/ping every fucking day -_-'''

Anyway...caitlyn bought this white dress...same shape as mine but a little longer...looks great on her...her boobs are the right size for it and really fill it out lol XD...she looked SO good in it that some random guy came up to her and started talking to her! hahaha...he said he saw her on the train with me and noticed she had changed from her jeans to the dress hahaha....stalker!! O_O nah jk lol.
Then we went back home were she watched the simpsons and i cleaned up.

oh! also...because im such a good custumer at the clothes shop...the lady that worked there GAVE me that bracelet which was $12, 2 hair clips $8 and she let me take the $50 dress home even tho i only gave her $5 and said id pay the rest on wednesday!!! ^____________________^...i feel wuved lol

and lastly...i think i might change my layout...havent changed it in a while...which reminds me...i have totally abandoned my layout site!! ;_;...i think i might start it up again tomorrow...try and keep me distracted from binging whilst i attemped this plan i have.

Talk about lack of updates O_O''. I havent been feeling that well...getting so tired all the time...

anyway...i now weigh 48.5kgs...yeay i guess. Also the car rally was called off due to not enough people showing up..bah! aanndd...i might be seeing mark today, havent seen him for a while...but i dunno, im feeling so...blah...i feel like if i go to walk out my door ill just pass out...

Has anyone heard from angie?!?! she hasnt posted anything on myspace or xanga...its like she just dissapeard!...hope not though...hope shes ok, i feel like its something i did -_-''.

Last saturday i called up marnah to ask if i was allowed over before we went to the car rally (which was called off) and so she asked my oma...now on friday she couldnt of been more happy to have me over...but on saturday she was like "NO! you meet HER at the church!" so marnah got upset asking her why and then my oma grabbed the phone and said, "Mekah i'm still so angry at you, i cant even look at you, do you know how much crap you've caused in this family, your father comes over and calls allan a fucking thief and a liar when YOU are the thief and the liar...why couldnt you just tell the truth about the tablets?" and she went on and on...i didnt say anything, just hung up mid converstation. i felt like utter shit all day...at my lowest weight she was so worried about me and cared alot more...but then i gained weight...only 6 or so kgs and its like all that shit flew out the window...its not fair...

 its gonna be 30 degrees today...and windy! blah.

yesterday someone got stabbed at ringwood station...i was AT ringwood station yesterday and im going there today! but i think the stabbing happend at night...but still, thats kinda scary.

anyway, i now weigh 49kgs...i hope i make 48kgs by saturday...im going to a car rally with my youth group.

i made a video entry last friday for angie but ryan found it and want let me upload it! he thinks im going to show some rendom online guy or something weird like that....ARGH. i bet he deleted it too..

I'm thinking about buying skinny jeans today...ive been wanted to buy some for ages but ive been too insecure...seeing i wear baggy pants...but then again its almost summer...i should be buying skirts...waa.

oh! yesterday i was walking to centrelink outside eastland in ringwood...and all of a sudden as i stop at these traffic lights...this women walked passed me...she was beyond emaciated. she was wearing tights and a sweater, her thighs are prolly thinner then my calves, and she walked with a limp to her right leg...she looked so sad too. she went to cross the road further up were there werent any traffic lights and because she walked so slow she go stuck right in the middle of the road. i could hear people yelling at her and laughing from their cars. i felt like crying and running up to her ad hugging her...but i prolly would of snapped her O_O. im guessing she was about 5'6 and weighed 30 or less kgs...

i wonder if ill see her today...

back...i ended up not buying the jeans...tried em on and all i could see was a HUGE ass and tree trunks...i just dont have the right body for em V_V....how ever! i did see this WONDERFUL summer dress. it was white with a blue gypsy sort of pattern on it and it was made out of this sily cotton material and around the middle was a dark blue silk ribbom that you tie up to make a boe...so cute! ^_^...but it was $50 waa...which i do have but its all i have for the next 2 weeks and i need that money to spend on other stuff....so maybe next time...although the store owner which is quit fond of me lol...is going to see if he can lower the price...just for me ^_^. he gives me so many free items like earring, t shirts, jumpers...i kinda feel guilty hahaha.

also..i think my scale has finnally died...i weighed 49kgs this morning and then about 30 mins later i weighed myself and i weighed 50kgs O_O...i didnt even eat or drink anything. so im thinking about getting a digital scale...but im scared...what if my scale has been wrong all along? what if i weigh way more then i think i do? O____O'''...but then again...i "might" weigh less then i think i do...seeing my luck i prolly weigh like 60kgs X_X...that would just kill me...but i dout i weigh that much hahaha.

ive also noticed alot of girls are wearing short shorts...i wore some today, took ALOT of courage...i posed for at least 30mins in front of my mirror...looking at my pale gross thighs, walking around trying to see if they "jiggled" too much for public...but i finally convinced myself to wear them...and when i saw all the other girls...i felt more comfortable...prolly cuz most of the girls i saw were over weight and had thighs that rubbed and jiggled along with their whole body O_O...but there was a few that had really thin legs...made me feel fat but i also noticed that even though their thighs were thin...they also jiggled...^_^...so i was like "See, even thin girls have jiggly legs" lol

well i gotta go, ryan will be home any moment and scratchy is yelling at me...its his dinner time haha.

theres a bit of loose skin right next to my left thumb nail and it friggin hurts! i cant cut it off or anything...its just sitting there laughing at my pain!

well my weight is yoyoing again...from 49.5 to 50...annoying but better then 53. my wrists are hurting again...damn it...blah

anyway ryan is currently at the dentist...dont know why though...now that i think of it maybe i should get my teeth checked...O_O...im sure the dentist person will be shocked! my teeth are so loose and my back teeth are growing at a weird angle...my wisdom teeth are prolly growing side ways -_-'...bah....i dont have $80 for a check up and x-ray....oh well.

i seem to be getting alot more head spins too. the sort i used to get when i fasted alot, id be sitting down and when i go to stand everything would go weird...sound cuts off, bells ringing, vision blurring....but right now im eating, purging afterwards of cause like the fat bulimic i am...but im still eating...i didnt normally get head spins before. maybe im just dehydrated...prolly am...the veins in my hands are popping up alot, they move from the blood pumping through them...looks weird lol.

yesterday i wore one of the tops wendy gave me...it was a really small one...it almost looks like a bra lol...it cuts off just over your belly button. i stood in front of ryan and patted my belly to show him it didnt stick out...cause just last week he patted my stomach and cringed at the buldge...and you know what he said last night..."so you're dissapearing again." in a sarcastic tone too...i didnt know wether to smile or feel upset. does he want me thin with a flat stomach or fat with a pot belly? O_O...well fuck it, id rather be thin! >_<.

Oh. i also just found out today tha centrelink has put me in a person support program seeing im not "mentally" fit to work. ill be speaking to a woman that has worked in a eating disorder hospital and has also delt with rape victims...itll be...i dunno, awkward...its weird what i talk to people about all this crap...its like i start talking about it but miss out on some details so it looks like a big mess that doesnt make sence. i just hope i dont have sit in some overly clean white room with a desk...bright rooms make me sleepy -.- lol.

does anyone on here know a girl that has an xanga named "tubefed"?

i used to read all her updates but its seems she isnt updating anymore and ive become a little worried as she was really ill. her xanga is protected so either shes deleted everything and stopped updating or ive been taken off her protected list. so of anyone knows anything please tell me...even tho we didnt really talk that much i still worry V.V.

Anyway...its actually warm today! 30 degrees! and scratchy is already hiding under my bed were its cold lol.

my wrists are better now, i guess it was just the cold although they still feel kinda stiff. oh! and i need knew platforms!!! my old ones are too big for my feet and keep sliding off! i guess my feet also shrunk lol.

my wrists hurt so much...it even hurts typing. they are all stiff anf crack when i move them...my knees are also playing up. i cant stand for a long time or they will hurt...maybe its just the cold?

anyway...i now weigh 49.5kgs...is seem to be losing half a kg a day...even after yesterdays BBQ.

i heard on the news that there was this guy that shot these girls at this school in the USA...it was a school around were angie lives! my first thought was "omg is angie ok?!!" so i went to message her but myspace is being a bitch...but i saw she was online so its all ok...i still feel sorry for those girls tho...the guy ended up shooting himself afterwards.

im gonna go and put my hands into some warm water...hopfully itll ease the pain on my wrists...i might actually ask my grandma about it...might be atheritis (spelling)...but i dont think so...like u only get that when your oldish right?

finally...for some reason ive lost 3kgs in the last 6 days...and i even have my period so maybe ill lose more when its gone? its weird, normally i gain at least 2kgs when i have my period...meh...itll prolly yoyo back on -_-'. but i do fit into my clothes alot better so i should be happy for at least that.

yesterday ryan and i went out to some shops...bunnings i think. ryan needed some wood to build something. anyway, it was pretty warm yesterday so i felt brave enough to wear a mini and one of these singlets wendy gave me. its about a size 10 in kinds...it fit nicely but because its ment for a kid my belly showerd...i felt awkward but i had no other tops to wear.

the moment we enterd the parking lot my social anxiet kicked in and i started to get scared...ryan noticed as i start biting my nails when im all nervous...so he held my hand ^_^. anyway as we were walking around i saw this tall man walking towards us and as he walked passed i heard him softly say "too thin"...i said nothing as i didnt know if he was talking about me or a bit of wood that was next to us lol but he was looking straight at me. made me smile...even IF he was talking about the thin bits of wood...hahaha. anyway...i think about every guy glanced at me and i think most of the girls glared at me and has this look on their faces as tho they were thinking, "what a slut." or maybe i just thought that...i dunno i just felt like i was showing off too much skin...im used to baggy clothes and only showing off my hands and face lol.

well anyway...today i go to see my dad, hes having a sea food BBQ...joy -_-'...not. i just hope he doesnt comment on how "im finally getting an ass"

lol just relised something. the last time my dad said that i lost heeps of weight real quick...now it looks like its happening again XD...

i better go, hell be here soon.

back...and im beyond bloated my god. my dad kept giving me food! and well it isnt his fault that im bloate...cuz im the one that kept eating -_-'. anyway...it was all good. before the BBQ we went to eastland were wendy bought some skinny jeans...i want some!! but eh, you gotta have rather thin thighs to look good in those and mine are..well ew. my dad bought me some sweat pants and a blue singlet ^_^. then we went to jeans west were my dad bought me some ear rings anndd theen...we went to starbucks. for the first time ever i had a starbucks coffee. i felt like misha barton (spelling) walking around holding a starbucks coffee cup lol. but the coffee tasted like ass O_O. i got a caffe latte thingy with lite soy milk...trying to get the lowest cal thing but it tasted gross...i only like my coffee...

then we went to my dad were we had the BBQ...i had some smoked muscles and prawns, tasted good but its been sitting in my stomach for over 2 hours and im still bloated...thinking about purging just to get rid of the bloat even though most of it would of digested i guess...

my dad didnt comment on my ass, thank god...instead he started talking about pigs to wendy lol and then he i said, "i eat like a pig." my dad said, "yeah but you're a stick pig." LOL a stick pig XD.

there was also a weird converstation were my dad asked me if i thought he liked me more then my sis, i said he liked us both the same...you know, what parents are supposed to say...but he said he liked me more and started going on that marnah is a elephant O_O...i felt bad but laughed. i dont think marnah is "THAT" big...like her BMI says shes obese but she doesnt really look obese...just chubby...i think i care more about what people say about marnahs weight then marnah does lol.

I'm gonna go now and clean up..and then sleep...im tired...hopefully ill continue losing weight...i wanna be back to my lowest weight of 45kgs but november...ill be goign water skiing with my youth group then and i dont wanna look like a whale -_-'.

Last monday when my dad came over to pick me up i was wearing my size 8 jeans...they arnt as loose anymore but fit just nicely...and guess what my dad says..."you're finally getting an ass!" i felt like dying right there and then but i just...laughed. You see my dad said this same thing ages ago when i went from 53kgs to 58kgs. back then my size 10 pants got tighter on me...so im thinner now but he says that. i didnt really think my body changed that much, until he said that...it just prooved that everyone around me has noticed ive gained weight! and to top things off...wendy gave me a large bag of shirts that she used to wear when she was younger. the tops were all size SMALLS...in kids...O_O'''. like this winnie the pooh shirt that looks tiny. they all fit tho but are so tight my boobs scream for air! so anyway when i got home from my dads i showed ryan the tops and he liked them...i tried on the winnie the pooh top and showed him...he didnt say anything just patted my stomach and cringed. I walked away, tore off the top and got back into my XL shirts...waaaa.

I didnt know my 6kgs weight gain would change how i look so much. but then i looked up a pic of me at my lowest weight, it was when i first bought my size 8s...i could cry just looking at it .

holy hell its windy outside...reaching up to 100km/h gusts. its making my old house angry, it cracks and sounds like its gonna fall over like in the three little pigs O.O...i can be the little pig in the brick house...lol

this houseing person is coming over today to inspect the house. ill tell her about the fence that was knocked down...and the hole in the kitchen ceiling which was supposed to be fixed ages ago.

marnahs kiki doll shower up about 2 days ago. i dont think i can get it to her in time for the manifest which is tomorrow. i asked if she could pick it up today but she didnt want to. so shell just have to do with out it.

Ryan took the computer to a repair place and they managed to recover most of my stuff. thank god, my codes and layouts are back!! and my pics of scratchy. im saving them to a CD just in case the computer goes insane again.

ive stopped taking the anti depressants...they make me feel worse, which is prolly why i reacted so badly about those comments. i read back on them now and im like "wtf..." i seriously felt suicidal when i first read them and now because ive stopped taking the pills they seem stupid...blah. i might ask the doctor for something different?

anyway, i better shut down the computer...its windy and i dont want another black out to occur thus fucking my computer up AGAIN.

back...i weighed myself...my jaw dropped...i weigh 52 fuckin kilos...what the fuck happend? i KNEW i gained but not THAT much! iv gained 6kgs...i bet it was the anit depressants...i bet the doctor planned that...just cause she was over weight and saw that i was thinner she secretly planned to make me fat...fucker...

oh well...i know i can lose it again, ive been through this before when i first hit 53kgs then gained and hit 58kgs...stayed 58 for ages then went back to 53, then down to 46...just how am i gonna lose it this time? last time i lost it thru b/ping...well im not gonna do that this time seeing i already do that and its totally fucking me up in everyway...my face is just...eck. pimples, stomach acid burn mark, chip munk cheeks...and then theres the scab on my knuckle...like way do i bother anymore?

i should just go back to my small meals 6 times a day with my work outs. its more work but eh...ive always seen b/ping a "easy" way out i guess...were i can eat lots but not gain...well now that i AM gaining its not worth it. and even worse...my thighs...they used to be some what toned, now they are just.."blubbery" -_-'. the food stores straight to my ass and thighs...bah. why did i have to gain weight right at the start of spring? why couldnt i gain at the start of winter?

or maybe i should just smash my scale...stupid thing is prolly broken anyway...its laughing at me right now i swear O_O

and i should plant a bomb in that doctors car...

and so im back...still hurt...but im here.

so i decided not to shut down this site...ive had it for too long.

ive been fasting, well sorta a mono fast...i had a apple this morning seeing i threw up stomach bile...in bed...yes i was coverd in my own stomach acids...lovely. i think my stomach i so used to me binging on insane amounts of food and then purging that its kinda a shock to it to have nothing. my stomach hurts ALOT...maybe its shrinking? ive prolly stretched the fuck outta it through all my b/ping...meh.

about 2 nights ago we had a 2 second black out which totally fried my computer. that sudden loss of power turning the computer off and then back on again made it angry. it wouldnt load back up or anything. so ryan had to format the whole computer...fffuuucckk. i lost ALL my xanga layout codes and wallpapers, all my favorites....everything. i got most of my stuff back, but little things like pics of scratchy and such are all GONE.

Ryan has been talking about america lately...hes be talking about good spray painting jobs over there. he wants to be able to paint sports cars, do custom jobs and such which you cant really do here in australia. im starting to think he wants to move there. it worried me a little, its not that i dont want to move...itll be great, ive never been outside of australia and ill be a tonne closer to angie! but...the thought of being 22000kms away from my dad is well..yeah. i cant imagine what my dad would say if i said, "Dad, me and ryan are moving to america...ill prolly get to see you like...once a year." O_O'''...itll be...interesting...hell prolly lock me up in his house...chain me up in a cupboard lol.

and top everything off...i feel like a FAT cow...its spring now...its getting warmer and i KNOW ive gained weight...even tho i weigh less then i did this time last year i feel a million times fatter. i regret going to karate cuz i know if i didnt go i wouldnt of gained weight and id prolly be at my lowest weight now...but no...im a fat whale...i have a feeling ill be spending my summer locked up inside staring out the window thinking, "what a nice day, too bad im too fat to enjoy it."