ill update more once ryan goes to work

Back...yes i weigh 46.5kgs!! I weighed myself this morning thinking, "yeah, ill prolly weigh 48-48.5kgs this morning." seeing i had dominos saturday night and binged on high calorie foods yesterday...but no...i weigh in at THAT...O_O. I' only half a kg away from my lowest weight and im only 2.5kgs away from my november 25th goal! i got 19 days to lose 2.5kgs...but the way I'm going I'll prolly lose that before the goal date! but i better not get my hopes up.

Anyway, today is my omas b'day...I've been argueing with myself over wether i should call her up and wish her a happy birthday....or ignore her completely...after all she doesnt WANT to talk to me at all...I dunno blah.

And tomorrow is the horse races thingy...I'm going over to my dads to watch it and ive put a $5 bet on a horse in which i cant spell its name lol.

I'll update more laters....

...I'm not sure...but i think my legs are as thin as hers right now...but i think hers are thinner, better tan, no cellulite...and so on....lol

yes...its finally happening...and im not too thrilled about it either. So Im trying my BEST to purge only ONCE a day...you see after i purge my heart beats very weirdly, i put my fingers to my neck sometimes to feel how fast it beats afterwards...but now it feels something like this "bump, bump *pause*, bump, bump, *pause*" and everytime it pauses for that split second my heart feels all fluttery...almost like when you get an adrenaline shock, its scary...but it also sorta does the same thing when i have one of my coughing fits. yes i still have a real bad cough that wont go away! ARGH! blah, i just hope it doesnt stop...thatll kinda suck X_X.

So...onto some good news. Yesterday i went out to buy some sugar and some milk and seeing im pretty much broke i collected up 10cent and 5 cent coins...embaressing lol. BUT, i went to check my bank card as i always do out of habit. usually i have no money on it or even minus money O_O...but yesterday for some odd reason i had $150 on it! i was like "were da HELL did that come from?!" so i withdrawed it and bought much needed pads lol *hugs pad packet* hahahaha. And...i also oderd pizza for dinner...bah! evil dominos -_-'...

so i dont know how much i weight...ill weigh in tomorrow but im guessing ill prolly weigh more then 48kgs...i better not...my hard work to reach my november 1st goal would of been a waste of time!

Well thats pretty much it i guess...

...perfect legs! found this pic on skinny_reality...so if the girl in this pic sees this and doesnt want it here just comment ^_^.

woot! Still losing weight...I'm only 1.5kgs away from my lowest weight! ^_^ But it seems nearly everything on my body is getting thinner BUT my butt -____-'' *mummbles* why wont it just go away?! O__O.

Anyway...I have a web cam!! ^.^ actually i dont know if thats a good thing or not o.O'' lol. so if any "girls" wanna veiw me later on during chat then you can ^_^...but i look like a trailor park zombie mum so dont expect much hahaha.

I've also noticed that my leg muscle are hurting real bad...feels like ive walked ad walked and walked for ages...weird. and my wrists are hurting more then ever...damn it, losing weight hurts lol.

Back...i changed my song again...its called "shout" by t.a.t.u...it reminds me of angie...*hugs self pretending to hug angie* lol XD

...still dreaming.

 I finnished the banner...november 2nd is now known as...Butterfly Day! The day i met a special girl that ill forever love ^_^

So what do you all think?

 yes!! i made my november 1st goal!!! Now i got 25days to lose 4kgs...possible? better be...

hmm...i was so excited about reaching my goal ive forgotten what i was going to type...well it is only 7:30am...im still half asleep lol...so ill update later.

Back...I saw on the news today that fruit at the bayswater safeway was contaminated!! that safeway is right around the corner to my highschool that i used to go to...and you know what...if the police actually do find out someone did something to the fruit im almost 100% SURE it would be someone from that school...cause that school is ALWAYS full of ppl thatll do that sorta thing...but eh...moving onto more important things.

tomorrow is a special day for me...november 2nd is the day i first started talking to Angie ^_^. I'm trying to think up a name for that special day and then make a banner which i will post on my layout. i got a picture and stuff for the banner...but i'm still thinking of a name...ill think of one...i just hope i can get the banner done in time for tomorrow!

I watched ophra today...she talked about suicide...it really hit something in me. there were three ppl that attempted suicide on the show...the first woman tried to jump off a bridge, the second was a teenage girl that got run over by a TRAIN and survived!! she lost her legs tho...but the worst was the third...he was a young male that shot himself in the head with a shot gun!! he lost his whole face...his WHOLE FACE! his eyes, jaw, teeth...everything, even his eye brows! he had to have 18 major operations to rebuild his face...but now he has prostetic eyes and no teeth. but thats not what hit a nerve in me...what did it was the reactions on their love ones faces...made me think of all the times ive tried to kill myself...and how sad my dad would be, my sister...angie! it made me feel selfish...but its hard when you're in so much pain and you just want it to end.

Anyway...im gonna go and make this banner then clleeaannn.

...got this pic off skinny_reality...look at her legs!! isnt she the most perfect thing you've ever seen! oh and if the girl in this pic veiws my page and doesnt want it on my site then just comment and ill remove it ^_^.

I got one day to reach my 48kg goal...its possible...so as long as i dont fuck up today.

Anyway...for the last 2 days ive had the most worst cold which is probably why im losing weight...im too ill to wanna eat! yesterday was the worst though, felt dizzy, cold then hot, runny nose, sneezing, eyes were extremly sensitive to light...i only ate one tomatoe yesterday...and slept ALOT...but im feeling alot better today.

I've just noticed my count down timer is off lol...ill try and fix it. I also found out that only 25 people are allowed to go on the water skiing trip...the first 25 people to pay get in...hopefully i get my money to the youth leader in time...but eh, if i miss out theres always the pool party in december...-_-''' lol.

Oh! it was my dads birthday last saturday...he had a mini family party on sunday...my oma was gonna go too but when she found out i was there she was all like, "oh...i gotta see chris (my uncle) today...ill see you tomorrow." then she put her huge sun glasses on and walked away...bah, shes never gonna forgive...CA-RRRYYYY...hahaha

hmm...my knees are bruised...well the insides of my knees...i think its from laying on my side when i sleep and my shins have bruises on them too...dunno how they got there though..oh well!

i have no idea what else to type about...ill update later.

Back...just wanted to say that...i now fit into my size 7 jeans again! WOOT! well i "just" fit into them..*pout*. they dont fit as nicely as they did when i weighed 45kgs...but at least i can button them up without turning blue lol.
Anyway...ive been looking to buy a tredmil...i used to always go for long walks as a means to exercise...but ever since i was stalked ive been too scared to really leave my house! i was supposed to walk to the gas station (10 min walk away) to buy smokes but i keep putting off...saying "ill go in 20mins, ill go once i finnish cleaning" and so on. im too scared to even go out to buy PADS ffs *dies* X_X. but eh, ill go out soon...i need to buy those...theres no way in hell im gonna lower myself to toilet paper...again lmao. So um...who wants to buy me a tredmil for christmas? ^____________^ its only like $1500...hahahaha! well its that much for a good one i guess...buh...its not like i have enough room anyway -_-'...but itll be good if i had one...i could finally exercise instead of sitting on my ass all day!!

...i wonder what her name is.

 hmm...i seem to have lost 1kg over night...luck? or just water weight...prolly water weight...anyway...1kg till i hit my november 1st goal...and then i gotta lose another 4kgs by november 25th...its possible...i hope.

Anyway...i have found out my oma has spread rumors around the whole family about me...so now im in everyones bad book...except for my dad of cause...its like me and my dad are both the black sheep of the family...the trouble makers...the fuck ups...well allan is too but hes oma little angel so she doesnt see it...cause its MY fault that my dad yells at my uncle cause he either stole something from me, hit me...called me names. i wonder what would happen if i told my dad what allan did when i was 6...world war 3 would probably break out and id be exiled from talking or seeing anyone hahaha...oh wait...i already am lol. meh...the urge to tell my oma just how "inoccent" allan is is waveing through my mind but i dout itll help anything, just makes things alot more worse...eh, but it would explain why i wanted to run away...when i was 6 allan did things like hit me (slapped, punched, pinched, hair pulled, dragged me down my hall way), called me names and broke my toys and other stuff...for 4 yrs i put up with that...and then me, my dad and marnah went to queensland for 2 weeks...i was free of him...until we went home...i then planned to run away to queensland and live there with one of my primary school friends. but i never left as i didnt know how to get there.

but allan kept hurting me...till i turned 12...screamed my lungs out at him...went to hospital...no one knew why i went all phyco...but after that he was afraid of me...still called me names but never touched me...he still fears me...even tho im 5'4, cant lift a bread basket and hes 6'5 and crush me with his fist lol...meh i never knew shit could be stacked that high lol.

anyway...im gonna go have a shower
...her hands are as veiny as mine...interesting.

 So...the shower drain was blocked...not because i puke in the shower..i never do that for fear of blocking it...ive only puked in the shower once...i was really ill from a fast and ya. so anyway...yesterday i couldnt have a shower seeing the drain was blocked so when ryan came home he took the filter thingy off the shower drain...and guess what he pulled out...lots and lots and lots of gooy, disgusting HAIR!!!!!!! HAIR?!?!?! MY FRIGGIN HAIR!!!!!! like i knew my hair was falling out but not for one second did i think it was losing THAT MUCH! i always make sure theres no hair in the shower...as its pretty gross...and my hair isnt falling out as much as when i fasted...it still falls out quit a bit seeing i purge and such...but god daayyuum lol. gotta do something about that.

anyway...my weight hasnt fucking moved...same weight every friggin day. im trying real hard too. ive been doing sit ups, walking tonnes and ive halfed my stupid B/ping to only tice a day and not 4-6...maybe its cause im stil b/ping that my weight isnt dropping? maybe i should actually eat meals and keep it down...but it scares me...i just wanna purge it back up again...that or i get awful acid reflux that makes me ill anyway...gah dunno WHAT to do. but i wanna be 44kgs by november 25th...which is when i go water skiing with my youth group and theres NO way im going ive im still this fucking huge...if im 46kgs or higher by nov 25th...im not going...itll be my punishment for being so lazy.

Well im going to go and work out...even though i feel a b/ping act coming on...damn bulimia bullshit...im so sick of it.

...yeah...ill keep dreaming...

sharee talked to me over the phone today...some of you may remember her...she tried to take ryan away from me...and almost did...but failed when ryan saw her for who she really was...anyway. She brought up a subject that i have almost rid myself from. She was going on about how marnah should lose weight so she could find a boyfriend. i got really defensive over this...i dont want my own sister to feel that she has to lose weight to be loved! but im pretty sure shes too smart to fall down that path...anyway then she said "Well you lost alot of weight...isnt that how you met andee?" i paused for a moment...did i hear her correctly? did she mean ryan and not that sick excuse for a man? so i said, "you mean ryan?" she replied, "Wasnt there an andee in there somewhere? you know, the guy you had a one night stand with?" it felt like a hail of knife were sliceing through me and all i could do was stand there and be silent..."fuck you sharee." then i hung up and ignored the her phone calls. is she really that stupid? a one night fucking stand with the man i never wanna see or think of again...why is it when ever i think ive forgotten about him someone has to bring him up and im reminded about him and cant get him out of my head for the next month or two? i didnt know wether to rip everthing i saw apart or turn on myself and rip open my arms...i havent cut ina  long time but right then the urge sprung up and hit me like a tonne of bricks...i picked up the razor, still in its cardboard cover...never used and still sharp enough to cut through the toughest of cardboard...i didnt cut, just looked at it for a few minutes and put it back in my wallet...the thought still lingers but i choose to bottle it up with everything else i guess.

anyway...short post i know, but i have to clean up...its late and im tired.

oh...my...fucking....GOD.

were do i start? so many things have pissed me right the fuck off in the last 24 hours...its amazing. but ill start with this morning which will explain my "ano" heading.

Well you see every weekday morning i like to listen to Nova on my iriver...the two speakers are called Hughesy and Kate, they both wonderful and very funny...but this morning they talking about something that hit a deep nerv. Kate started talking about one of her gfs and that they went shopping in the city...it was one of those expensive clothes stores. Anyway Kates gf tried on some skinny jeans and suddenly this gay guy (which was in change of the store) pranced up to kates friend and started saying, "oh my gosh, you look just wonferful darrling, you look so ano!!" Kates friend was like "what the heck is ano?" the gay guy then replied, "oh, ano is SOO in baby...its the new "anorexic look...everyone is so DoInG it." kates friend was like..."oh, ill buy them then." and she did! shes a friggin size 10...and then hiughesy and kate were going on about how you gotta have an ironing board body to really wear anything good looking. AND then they started getting calls from guys saying they prefer a skinny girl over a "curvy" girl...and all the while im just sitting there clenching my jaw and almsot crushing my iriver...i felt calling them up and blasting them!!!! but instead i put on my new dress and stared at a wall. i just cant BELIEVE they would talk about anorexic being a new fashion fucking trend...before you know it the all famouse wannabe "ANA" theme will change into some clothes brand that only comes in XXXS small sized and is called "ANO"...like fuckin HELL....people with a REAL eating disorder will never be taken seriously seeing its becoming some kinda of...FASHION!!! *dies from heart attack* X_X

and then moving on to my next rant...yesterday...my friend caitlyn started asking me some weird questions....she first started off talking about how he boss calls her a fat ass and such...and then she moved onto "how do you stay so thin? do you eat?" i felt like i was in some pro ana forum with some wannarexic asking me for tips. she knows im bulimic but just doesnt get it..im like "i do eat, its just it doesnt stay in my stomach bvery long." and then replies "well at least you're eating." ....eating and then purging isnt exactly eating...so then she asked if she could "diet" with me...so i said, "its not a diet caitlyn..." then she continues to ask, "then why are you so thin?" BAH!! she isnt even fat...or chubby...shes curvy and is able to get a guy for every night of the year...so why on earth does she wanna lose weight? and thheeennn a few hours later she starts going on about how she LOVES how she looks and that shes SO happy with her body...X_X...made my head hurt.

And then to top it off...yesterday when ryan came home i was wearing my new dress hopeing ryan will like it...but guess what...it took him at least half an hour to notice and hes like "oohh, the pika (mekah lol) is wearing a new weird dress."...im like...O_O weird? is it weird?? *glare at wall*

So thats my rant....as for today...its gonna be very hot...and im off to exercise in the stinkin heat cuz i feel like an obese sumo whale...see yas.