...I sleep at least 16 hours a day now and when ever I'm awake I stay in bed never wanting to leave the protective blenkets that I wrap around myself, never wanting to see daylight, never answering my phone, never getting dressed and hardly bothering to get up to eat. This is me everyday I am without heroin and then when Wednesday night comes round, we leave at 11pm so we get into the city at about 12:30am when the money comes in, score $450 and for a wonderful 30 or so hours I am happy, I leave my bed, I eat, I clean, I laugh and actually smile and MEAN it... Sad this is, pathetic too but more so sad. This has become my life for the last 3 or so years.

Onto other things, I have been playing Dragonage 2 on xbox360 and LOVE IT!! Really gets my mind off things, enjoy it a lot, everyone should buy and play this game.

... Until Pete's pay comes in and most likely score again, already I can feel my body, my soul craving it, wanting it, screaming for it to come quicker. I hate the feeling of wating for such a thing, I thought my life sucked when I lived with Ryan, oh how wrong I was. I hate Pete's pay day, I have to be extra nice to him and take whatever bullshit he throws at me cause he is in control of the money and there for in control of what we get and he can choose to leave me out, of cause when I get pain I'm not allowed to do that but I feel half in control at least... I guess anyway.

I was reading some old post before of when I was visiting Pete in jail, the love I felt for him seemed so much stronger then, doesn't mean I don't love him any less now but I know if he was to get locked up again I'd leave him in a heart beat, my heart just wont be able to stand up to that kind of pain again and I think Pete knows this and wont do any crime...

I haven't had my dome today, I let myself hangout in pain on purpose, I deserve the pain and oh how painful it is, agony not only physically but mentally too. Legs starts acheing, start sweating, cold and hot flushes, start to sneeze and cry then you feel sick, vomit and shit all at the same time. Anyone that can put up with such pain for the 3 to 4 days it takes to go cold turkey deserve the purple fucking heart man. This is the kind of pain that drives heroin junkies to rob poor old ladies, the hit their mum for money, to whore out their bodies, to sell everything they own including their own soul, this is the kind of pain people like me deserve.

I might update later if I can find the motivation to gather up anything worth saying on here.

Been ready old messages from sara, we used to be such good friends, she used to care about me so much... it hurts so much now that she doesn't want to know me anymore . Don't know why one person upsets me so much, I guess it's cause I know she'll never change her mind about me, no matter what I do.

And here's a pic...

My younger sister, Myself and my half sister which I met for the first time in this pic. I was also very drunk which is why I'm actually smileing annnd is also why I'm sitting, I was too drunk to stand lol.

Yeah... that's fuckin right... four months of hard work shot right up into my vein and it felt sooooo fuckin good, so good it hurt every shred of self worth that I have left deep in my soul. I have also been having thoughts, not serious but still thoughts of going back to work at Blackburn Butterflys... Yes, a brothel in which I worked to support my heroin habit as well as my bfs for roughly 6 months. My habit mind screams, "Leave him and work at Butterflys, support your own habit, you'll get alll the drugs to yourself!" Oh, how nice I think to myself and then suddenly remember how awful the work really was, so bad I needed a huge hit of heroin before going to work at the awful place were I'd roll around with fat sweaty men for 8 hours straight...

Last Thursday I spent $300 on ice and $400 on heroin, my bf and I went halves in the ice first which was fun, 14 hours full of ice induced sex before crashing like a motherfucker and having to use the heroin just so our bodies didn't hurt anymore. Am left with $20 to live on now, yup, don't regret that much. Sometimes my habit makes me want to live alone so i can spend more money on my own habit instead of going halves in everything cause I am such a selfish junkie.

I know Sarah will read this and I know she'll never talk to me as long as I'm using but fuck it, she'll never talk to me even if I'm clean so what's the fucking point? I may as well use and be "happy" even if it is a fake happy it's the only happy I ever feel these days. I think I might even start selling ice and heroin just so i can use them both everyday, yeah sell the poison to other poor souls, I'll print a skull and cross bones on my deall packets and laugh at the skum that buys them knowing their lives are as fucked as mine, oh how worthless I am and how I laugh at it so.

I've been hearing voices again too, probably due to the ice and staying awake for days and days, a whisper that says "fucking die you whore" While flashes of the rapist face flashes before my eyes, feeling the wet park ground, the cold morning air and his strong hands crushing around my throat. I was supposed to die that homeless night of mine but playing dead fish saved me, stupid dead fish. Blood pouring down my legs, panties long torn, voice box crushed, broken jaw, blood nose and blood god knows were else and a bottle of xanax shoved down my throat to drown the pain of the night. A begging call of help to my dad cruely rejected as I wait for my dealer, comfort in a needle... the only person that helped me that day, let me sleep in their bed, cleaned me up was my fuckiing heroin dealer...

Still I'm living with memories like these everyday... This is what it's like for a sweet little heroin addicted homelss girl....

This is my life, oh how many times should I have died by now? I have lost count long ago...

This was all written by veronika_grey

You said yesterday I'm so bored of life, I wanna kill myself.

And to that, I answered Well, why don't you?

But you won't, and you know you won't, and I know you won't because you don't have the nerve and you only wanted the attention.

But seriously. Try it sometime.

Go out into the street and stand in the middle of it and watch the oncoming car screech and stop two inches from you

or maybe it will hit you.

Go out in the middle of the night wearing a low cut dress, no panties, and high high heels and then

run from the men trying to rape you.

Go out and make connections with dealers and do drugs like heroin cocaine and methamphetamine

get addicted and then dig yourself out of the hole you created

or you could always go into Mexico and join the drug trade there, I'm sure they need your help.

Go out and join the army then position yourself on the front line, take a gun, and pretend you're playing a video game

but if you die you don't have three lives, you only have one, so that kind of sucks.

Go out to a less developed country and hold the starving baby in your arms, watch it as it dies and then watch

as its twelve year old mother dies also.

Go out into Alaska and sit in the snow and the frigid cold and watch the aurora borealis as it dances across the sky.

Go out and travel the world by foot and by train, with the minimum amount of money to survive

placing your faith in the kindness of strangers.

Go out and climb Mount Everest and when you get to the top, sit cross-legged and contemplate your frost-bitten limbs.

Go out to a party, get drunk, then drive a car with your best friends inside and watch as they burn, trapped inside the car.

Go out and watch a horse give birth to a colt, then turn 180 degrees and watch as a lamb gets slaughtered right before your eyes.

Go out and cut yourself open and hand your heart to the ones you love most on a silver platter

then watch as they grin and accept your heart, then walk away from your life forever.

Go out and actually try to better yourself instead of whining for attention and digging yourself deeper into the hole that you let yourself

lie in, complaining that you can't build your own ladder to dig yourself out because it takes too much work and you'd actually

have to change the way you look at yourself, your relationships, and your life.

So after you've done all of these things, come back to me, tell me you're bored of life,

and I promise you, I will personally place the noose around your neck and shove the chair out from under you.

Sarah blocked me again, didn't say why but I'm guessing she just wants to get on with her life without bothering with people like me. I understand now too and although I am very upset with losing a friend "again" she probably needs to get rid of me, she has her baby now and is loving her life like I always wanted her to. I'm happy for her, I used to be jealous of her.... very jealous, shes beautiful, thin, has a child, quit drugs, went back to school and her family loves her, everything I want and will never be able to have. Maybe one day when I'm better, if I do get beter she might talk to me again, we might even meet up for coffee like I've been wanting to do for a life time now.

Anyway, my younger sister has also blocked me on facebook, stupid fight turned bad. She said I'd be a bad mother and that hurt me so I snapped at her... Maybe she's right? I'm a recovering anorexic plus drug addict... Maybe I shouldn't have children? The thought hurts really bad, been trying for a baby for almost two years now and suddenly just giving up and never having one hurts. I grew up with both mum and dad addicted to drugs so I know what it's like, I haven't used for 4 months and I know if I fell pregnent I'd quit everything bad for me and the baby. But still, my sister is right, people like me don't deserve to have children, don't deserve much really... I just wish people could see that even people like me deserve at least a "chance" even just a small one...

To my suprise I've lost about 6kgs in the last week, not like i was even trying I mean I do only eat once a day cause I feel I have to. Due to depression I hardly ever eat, I guess I just forget. Lately I've been so depressed, more then I normally am, it's been a long while since I've thought about cutting or even suicide. I've been finding it hard to find any reasons to keep going, I can't have a child, no friends, my family hates me, no job and no fucking life. Pointless, completely pointless...

I'm hoping this feeling will pass before I get paid this Thursday otherwise I might do something tragic...

Or maybe I should just start starving myself away again, god it would be so easy, too easy to do that right now. When I weighed myself last night, it was the first time I had been on a scale in nearly 3 years... I could feel myself being clawed back in and to my surprise... It felt good, frightenly good.

I just want to be happy with myself and my life thus far but I'm not and can't be, it's like I'm not allowed to be happy anymore.

I know Pete will yell at me for being depressed or more so cause I will not tell him why I am depressed, so as always I'll put on my fake smile and pretend nothing worries me. I'm not sick just fucked up.

I've started to lose weight again, I haven't weighed myself though I have a scale I am way too scared to weigh myself... Could trigger me. I've almost forgotten how good it feels to lose weight. I've been looking at old photos of when I was in the Austin trying to get better, I really badly wish I was that thin again, I can't believe I thought I was fat! I would kill to look like that again .

Anyway, since I last updated nothing much or new has really happend, 30th next month I have to go to court due to something that happend to me nearly a full year ago! I really hope this bastard goes to jail!

I'm also back in contact with sara! Which makes me pretty happy, she has a baby now!! So jealous lol and happy for her, really hope I can have a child someday, hope my body lets me! Hope to meet up with sara soon.

OH! I have also turned 24... Yup, lets see I have had this xanga for about 7 years now... amazing, I might go over some of my old entries and see how different my life was *sigh*

Just like I said, I have returned with another post! I don't really have much to type about today other then I went to my corrections appoinment which I have to do every two weeks for the next year! Why? Well... When Pete was locked up I got into trouble 3 times, I myself didn't really do anything wrong, I was however "linked" to another persons crime.

Number one, on the sixth month of Pete being "away" I lived with this girl named Alice, we were out at Blackburn trainstation and I saw a black supre bag, so I walked up to it, picked it up (I didn't know at the time that the owner which was on a bus near by saw me pick it up) and had a look inside. I saw a pair of runners and showed Alice, I "was" going to just put it back but Alice took it and of cause the owner didn't see Alice take it only that I took it. And of cause seeing Alice was my friend I stood up for her and didn't say she took it, the girl got angry and we took off! Got charged with theft.

Number 2, After moving out off Alice's house I then lived for a month at this awful community house then moved out to live with Pete's mate Simon for about a month and a half, on the last week I lived with him and a week before Pete got out Simon stole a bike (which he did a lot while I lived with him, I was the "look out") we did this to of cause sell the bikes and score. We normally tried to sell the stolen bike on the street so it couldn't be tracked but this day we were both "hanging out"....badly too, so we took it to a bike store and I used my I.D to sell it... Months later Simon got caught and told the police "I" stole it! I told the police Simon got it off a mate, I didn't know it was stolen but sold it as a favor to Simon, stupid me, got charged with selling stolen goods.

Number 3, On the night Pete got locked up we went to do a "petrol run" as we didn't have any money or petrol to get home. A petrol run is were Pete steals number plates, puts them on his car and simply steals the petrol and then swaps back his own plates. But this night as we pulled out of the petrol station a police car rolled passed, Pete freaked out and floored it thus attracted the cops attention so they chased us! Of cause we got caught and bang we were both charged with theft of petrol and I didn't get to see Pete again for a full two months.

This was all over a year and a half ago but I got charged with them all at the same time, Got fined $2500 and have to see a corrections officer every two weeks, life sucks for Mekah! lol But if you play with the wrong people you get into trouble which I very much did! I only have myself to blame! Anyway, since Pete got out my life of crime has ended, I still use however but only once a week not proud of that but at least it's under "control" if you'd even call it that. I do need a change but soon, small baby steps.. Says the almost 24 year old and still can't drive or has any kind of life! ... I'm getting older and still I'm not doing anything with my life. I do still want to be a author and if I can at least publish ONE book I'll be able to die happy! I told Pete today that I still want to be a author, he just laughed and said there wasn't much of a future in writting unless I was the next Stephen King or something. I'll admit, my spelling isn't that great, nor my english but the ideas I put down on paper is good! I've never had anyone say any of my stories were bad.

I'll publish a book one day even if I'm in my 70s when I do!

I'm not going to post much at this point but just enough to say I'm still here! I'm ok I guess... Well I was, slowly going bad again though. Pete hits me still, although I don't use that much I still do and eating disorder wise, well even though I'm not in the 40kg zone any more (I'm 64kgs again) I very much want to get back to were I was.

I've been trying very hard to leave Pete but always find myself going back to him, when he got out of jail he just turn into a monster. Yelling at me and hitting me a lot. He has stopped hitting me as much but still his anger is awful...

So... Does anyone have any tips on getting back on track weight wise? I'd give anything to be my thin self again... a size 6... I'm a fat size 12 again and I hate it so damn much. I guess I could go on a huge ice binge and lose it that way? lol but I'd end up crazy! I just don't know what to do, I need a friend right now. Also I don't have a computer at home so I have to use the library computer so I might not be able tp update everyday but I will try.

Also... HIV wise, I'm ok! Long story but I'd rather not go into it, Hep C wise, I still have to get rid of it. And... I really want a child lol but my body has been so fucked up in the past due to anorexia and drugs my hopes of ever having a baby a pretty damn slim! Well, I have 4mins to go so I better log off, I might be able to get back on I'll try. Also if anyone wants, add me to facebook just type in Mekah Menke and you'll find me I have a old picture of my thin self and my still and very badly missed friend Sarah... God, if you are reading this sarah, I miss you girl.

I got back on another computer, I don't really like typing such personal stuff, don't know who could be reading but oh well. I probably should get back home soon, its 6:30pm and getting dark I hate walking home alone in the dark even if I am a ten minute walk away. For the lasy two night I've been sleeping on the couch in the main house. Pete and I live in a small flat behind Pete's Mum's house, her holiday house but when we fight I sleep on the couch. Two nights ago I read something wrong about how much rice to put in this cup and Pete exploded and hit me down the side of my face with the book! So in return I exsploded and hit every glass cup and coffee cup clear off the coffee table and across the room, straight in Petes direction! I made a huge mess which I straight away cleaned up while I cried and then left to go stay in the house...

I'm hoping Pete isn't angry anymore... Last week I was so close to moving out, I had arranged everything too, all I had to do was show up the next morning and arrange the rent payments through my centrelink. It was a nice place too, all new, I had my own room, own Tv, own fridge and own bathroom! Even though it was $180 a week which is ok, it was perfect! But that was nearly two weeks ago, the chances of that still being there is slim... I get paid this thursday, Pete will be all nice to me of cause seeing payday= drugs... And then when I have no more cash he'll be mean again and I'll be stuck again...

I don't know what to do... I love pete so very much, it is probably my fault that he gets so angry but i really just dont know what to do. I just want to be happy, i want pete to be happy.

Well I found out Sara is getting rid of everyone that has anything to do with either drugs or eating disorders, she wants to have a clean and healthy life but what I don't understand is why does having to get rid of close friends have anything to do with getting better? It's like she thinks if she hangs around me I'm going to shuv a needle full of drugs in her face and force her to have it! If anything I'd fully support her to stay clean! IT'S WHAT REAL FRIENDS DO! THEY SUPPORT EACH OTHER NO MATTER WHAT! I feel like she's just thrown me away like unwanted rubbish! I feel SO fucking hurt by this, I'm trying to get clean too but I'm not going to just "get rid" of everyone I know that takes drugs! But fine, what the fuck ever, I guess she wasn't a real friend of mine to begin with, as much as I love her and as much as I've tried to get her to talk to me (and boy have I tried) I'm just tried of it, tired of the heart ache she's caused and tired of wondering WHY or what I've done wrong... So I just give up, good luck to her but I just don't need that kind of heart ache in my life right now, I have much more important stuff to worry about! Like Peter being locked up, my Hep C eating my liver and the fact I might die at a early age due to HIV! This is all why I wanted Sara to talk to me, I need her in my life right now, we both struggled through so much hard shit together but we could do it cause we had each other! And I only wanted her to support me, to talk to me on days I couldn't stop crying cause I missed pete or to come visit me on days that I was sick due to my Hep C... But I guess her problems are more imporant then mine and probably always has been... I'm trying to to be sad over this but I just can't help it, she was my best friend and I really thought she felt the same... I gues I was wrong in the end .

Anyway, todays been pretty slow, I've done pretty much nothing but stay in bed depressed and too ill to care or want to do anything. My body hurt too much to even change out of my PJs. Pete called, his phone calls are the only thing that make me smile during the day. I really can't wait until he gets to come home, I'm nervous about what's going to happen at court this coming Tuesday, Peter is going to be charged for his more bigger crimes and will be sentenced with more time ontop of what he already has. This Tueday I'll finally find out wether he's coming home in either late October or late Feburary next year! I'm praying he gets to come home in October! I'll be just CRUSHED if he doesn't get to come home for Christmas or new years...