He's been a little devil! Whenever I think he needs to go to the toilet I take him outside, wait for agggges after 10mins decide maybe he doesn't "really" need to go! So I go back inside and I swear, 2 mins later he poos in a corner somewhere! I swear he does it on purpose!!! >_<. But then he makes up for it by looking all cute as he falls asleep. The first day we got him I had him on the bed which is pretty high compared to him, about 50cms high, I walked away and he jumped after me and slammed onto the tiled floor! He cried and then wobbled away! Me thinking he really hurt himself also started to cry but he was ok, just a bit shocked I think. So now Pete and I have pillowes on the floor alll around the bed! LOL! He sleeps right behind my head on my pillow, he chews on my hair and scratches my head, which is really annoying at 5am!! Before Jedi I went to bed at 6am and was lucky to get out of bed by dinner time! Now I'm up by 6am and dead tired by 8pm...I swear it's like looking after a 2 year old! He still very fun when he wants to play but if it's before I've had my dome and I start getting withdrawels...not good! But I'm getting more patient with him . Pete also loves him to bits, calls him 'lil man' hahaha. Will be very interesting when Jedi meet's Pete's Mum's older dog, Buddy. He's a Maltese which is very similar to a Havanese, but poor Buddy is 13 this year! He's an old man and Jedi is still a baby! It'll be like a 4 year old wanting to play with a 100 year old grumpy man! HAHAHAH! I just hope Buddy doesnt get too upset and bite Jedi.

Well, I think it was def worth the $1500 for him, would've got two so he had a friend but it was almost impossible to save the $1500 let alone $3000 hahaha. Lived off ceral for a month so far lol and we still gotta save the money to desex him and his last shot! D'oh! . Hope you like the pics, I'll post more pics of him every month or so, he's a lil over 8 weeks old and will be fully grown in just 10 more months so I better enjoy him as a puppy while I still can!

OH! And for anyone that wants a puppy, I advise to get a puppy with very SHORT fur...long furred puppies tend to get poo stuck to their bum when they poo which sucks to clean off at 6am lol

My fav pic, the whole family together .

I look really pale here, my eyes also kinda look like I'm on something lol but I swear I'm not! XD. Also I'm not really that pale, camera sucks.

And before you get all excited lol no, sadly I'm not pregnant . But I'm getting the next best thing, Pete and I are adopting a cute little puppy on the 24th next month. We've already put a $200 deposit down and will have to pay $1300 on the day we pick him up and take him home.

Here are a few pictures of him, he's only a week old in these pics, far too young to come home with us...although I wanted to take him home today when i first met him .

Isn't he the cutest lil thing you've EVER seen!!

And to tell you the truth... It's only 3am and I'm already over it. Peter gave me an early xmas gift, I loved it, he gave me a small silver pendant with my favorite picture of us lazerd onto it with the word "forever" printed on the back, I cried when he gave it to me.

Well... another 12 months trying for a baby and no luck... that's 2 and a half years now. I'm SO temped to go online and buy this medication called "Clomid" to help us have a baby. I'm so scared that due to my past anorexia that I am now unable to get pregnant. Every month I'm so carful, I make sure I'm 100% sure it's the "right time" of the month to have sex, we do it... more then a few times too lol and bah... nothing.

I'm starting to think that maybe I don't deserve to be a mum... Or at least am just not capable, well my body isn't.

Anyway... Merry Christmas everyone....

And if you still read my posts.... Merry Christmas Sarah. xoxoox

I played minecraft a heep for about a week and then I got bored, let my mind slip yet again towards drugs and also let temptation grab me yet again for the millionth time. But oh well, Pete is getting my 3D.S out of Cashies tomorrow, stupid evil cashies, it's going to cost $220 to get it out and then next week when I get paid I can buy the new zelda game that's coming out on the 3D.S this Thursday!! Can't wait to play it, I know it'll keep my forever wondering mind from wondering for at least a few days! I remember playing both zelda games on the N64, miss them so much and now I get to play ocarina of time again! I hope it's all the same and they haven't changed too much.

Pete and I also got into a pretty big fight, actually probab;y wasn't that big actually seeing i cant remember what it was about lol all i remember is him saying that he never wants to have a child with me, he says this cause he knows it really cuts deep with me and then says sorry later. we also talked about seeing a special doctor to check out why its so damn hard for me to fall pregnant! Like, I've pretty much known for a few years now that theres something wrong with me I just hope there is something i can do or doctors can do so i can finally have a child. Pete asked me once why I want a child so badly, I really dont know "how" to explain why.... it just cant be explain in words, only emotional feelings and love.

I've also realised that i still have messages from sara that dates back to 2007... and i cant get myself to delete them either which is sad i guess, such care and friendship for someone that cant, wont and doesnt want to talk to me cat be healthy lol. but eh, what do i ever do that IS healthy?? SO... I'll keep them, dont know why but i will. I'm sure who ever reads this is sick of hearing about sara but beh i still like talking about her even though were not in contact anymore, she still pops up in my mind a lot. i worry about her too sometimes, even though im pretty sure shell be just fine. maybe if i am to ever have a child, m child and hers can play together lol now i AM really getting tired, talking crazy talk and all.

Short post i know but its 4am and im tired.

P.S Does anyone know any good sites were i can get a new xanga layout? I'm SO over this one. thanks.

well actually for a normal person my day today probably wasn't THAT bust but seeing I spend most of my days in bed today was very busy for me lol. Pete had a dentist appointment, one of his back teeth are starting to fall out, poor baby . I brought the laptop with me so while I waited I could play minecraft lol. He was gone for only 15 mins or so, "pretty quick" I thought to myself. I was thinking Pete would have to have a root canel done or something equally painful and would've taken at least 40mins! But Pete told me when he got back that the dentist was going to take the whole tooth out and replace it with a fake one! Which is going to cost $5000! So Pete said no and told him to fill it up instead so we can think of what to do or how we are going to get the money to fix his poor tooth! O.O

Pete's mum is also here which is good, get to see Buddy, cutest dog in whole world . He's currently licking Pete's face. Any I got to go and have dinner with everyone even though I'm not hungry... I'm never hungry but eh, don't want to be rude! I'll try and update again later when I can. 

Last post I was talking about things I did that helped keep my mind off bad things such as drugs and so on! Well I've descoverd a game called Minecraft! It is so awsom! The graphics arn't that great but the idea of the game is just so addictive and fun! What you do is well you mine and collect crafting stuff such as wood, stone, string, wool anything! And then you can craft them into objects like tools, pick axe, axe, sword and so on and also make other things like a bed, compass, map and well the list is HUGE! In this game you start off in a world with nothing and depending on the difficulty settings at night time zombies and other monsters come after you and try to eat you! So during the day you have to quickly craft a small shelter with torches due to the monsters not being able to spawn in the light cause the sun or any other light kills them! If you're interested you must download this game! Go to http://www.minecraft.net/ to "buy" the game and yes you CAN download it for free but buying it is so worth it, right now the game is still being upgraded so the pre order edition cost roughly $20 but the fully upgraded version cost I think about $28? Also it will come out on XBOX! Isn't that just the coolest?

Anyway, besides me going nuts over this game nothing much else has happend, well besides feeling really dumb over my last post and what I typed about Sara, I'm very sorry to who ever has read it and mostly to Sara if she has read it. At the time when I wrote it I was VERY depressed and down on myself, lets just say I was having a "fat day" times 1000! I now realise and "accept" why Sara "can't" be my friend "right now", not forever I hope! Just for now until she sorts things out plus I'm pretty sure her son is much more importent then our friendship lol. And to tell you the truth, if I was her I'd no doubt 100% do the same thing.

Which reminds me, yet again another failed month at falling pregnant . If I haven't yet said, yes Pete and I have been trying to have a baby, have been since he got out of jail... lol Baby and jail in the same sentance really doesn't sound good :/ but really Pete would be an amazing father and I think I'd be a really good mother! And when or IF I ever do fall pregnant I will never touch drugs AGAIN, I'll also kick smokes and will start to drastically reduce my dome until I am off it. All this is a promise to myself and my child. Also if anyone knows, due to me having Hep C could my child get it through me?

Not much of a post but still it's something and for once it's not depressing! Because for once just for a day I don't feel depressed! And no, I haven't had ANY heroin! And all because of this amazing game Minecraft! lol Nerdy I know but it really has been helping me  And also Pete! Pete and I hasn't had a fight in over a week which is a new record! All because of this game, funny huh?  

Since court all I've been trying to do is keep my mind off bad things, bad memories and the up coming date that I'll have court again. I spend a lot of my time now either playing online games on facebook like the CSI: Crime City game or playing the Xbox360. Pete bought two new games one called Hunted: The Demons Forge which we both play split screen together, it's a lot like Gears of War I enjoyed Gears a lot and also enjoy playing this game, especially seeing is a two played game so Pete and I can play together and help each other which also keeps both our minds away from bad thoughts. The other game Pete got is called L.A Noire, it's it's made by Rockstar and is almost exactly like GTA which was also made by Rockstar except unlike GTA in L.A Noire you arn't a criminal! Instead you play as a good guy! A cop actually, you drive around this huge city and solve crimes, the graphics are the best I've ever seen, so life like it's amazing. I've spent a lot of time playing this.

I have also just started playing this online game called Second Life, don't really understand what I'm doing just yet but so far all I've done is create a avatar and am exploring this online world. Looks pretty cool but don't know that much about it yet, if you've played it my username is vBlueButterflyv add me if you want . Anyway, right now I'm in a pretty good mood, was just paid so you can pretty much guess "why" I'm feeling so good.

Haven't heard from Sara yet, I really hope she talks to me again one day, would be sad if I never hear from her again, I've already accepted the fact that she probably never "wants" to see me ever again but I really hope she at least will talk to me. I miss Sara... I wish we were friends like we used to be, why did she have to go and get married and have a kid to this JERK! It totally changed her , well changed not %100 in a bad way, she's off drugs now and getting on with her life which is great but I feel like she thinks just cause she quit drugs and had a kid that now I'm just nowhere near good enough to be her friend. It's not like I'll try to tempt her back into drugs! If we were to catch up it would be to have a coffee or lunch somewhere nice, to chat, to catch up you know normal stuff! I'm able to do "normal" stuff and none of it would involve things such as drugs or even anything eating disorder related! I guess I'm just jealous... I feel like she knows I'm trying real hard at improving my life but because I can't and she has I'm just a loser, a weak excuse for life, a junkie or plainly just someone  not worth knowing... And as much as I'd like to disagree I don't I actually strongly agree.

well I went to court last Monday I was so damn scared and nervous the night before I didn't get a wink of sleep! So I wrote fron start to finnish of the night that the rape happend down on paper so I could read it in court, made it as detailed as I could. Pete cried reading it and swore to kill the monster which I really don't want him to do, I don't want him going to jail! I want this monster to go to jail, well seeing he's only 17 he'll go to juvi but he'll be behind bars at least... i guess. Anyway, 9am we get to the childrens court, I was shown the room were I would read out my statement, you see I wouldn't be in the same court room as the fucking bastard, I'd be in a seperate room in front of a camera were I could seethe judge and prosecuter.

Anyway long story short it was all pushed forward to August 15th due to his defence lawyer or whatever wanting more time to round up my medical history files to try and prove that I may have hallucinated being raped that night...fucking joke isn't it? How dare they, I might be a little nuts but I'm not THAT fucking crazy!! Just goes to to show that they know they don't have a chance! Makes me worried though, I just know they are going to dig up every bit of dirt on me and try to use it against me

I have court on the 30th, this coming Monday... The guy that raped me last July will hopfully go to jail next Monday but even though I'll be questioned through a camera in a different room and away from the fucking monster I am still very afraid. I'm also scared my memory of the night will end up fucking it all up for me and he'll end up getting away with it, I can already hear his laughs as the judge yells out "not guilty"... I don't think I'll be able to handle hearing that and to make things that much worse, I've been using more due to all this. I can hardly answer the very detailed awful questions my prosecuter asks me so how am I going to handle the even more detailed awful questions they are going to ask me in court? They ask things like "How did he rape you?" I then explain the best I can "Where did he put his penis?" Even though I already said how he did it I got to say "He put it in my anus..." Then I'm still asked "How did it feel when he put his penis in your anus?" .... See what I mean? I not only have to explain WHAT happend, WHERE and WHEN but what I felt and how I felt it and in every possible detail and all while he is listening in court probably laughing to himself. I'll be questioned like this in front of a huge group of people that I've never met before, wil probably be questioned like this for about 8 hours and still at the end he might still walk free... Fuck. I. Want. To. Die. I know hsi name now though... Tyson Gibson.... A name I will never forget no matter how much I try...

I wish I wasn't so drunk that night, maybe then I would have been strong enough to fight him. I wish I never went out that night, maybe then I would have never met him. I regret calling the police, then I wouldn't have to go to court and can just forget all this and pretend it never happend like I've done 4 times before... Even though it never goes away and deep down I am happy that at last I'm finally doing something about it only thanks to Peter for pushing me all the way. But like always, I blame myself for that night, for everything. I shouldn't have gone out pissed off my head, I shouldn't have  hang out with 5 teenaged boys that I didn't know just cause I trusted them and thought them to be harmless due to their age and the fact they all smoked weed and all stoners are gentle trusting people right? WRONG! YOU DUMB FUCKING BITCH! I trust people too much... I should have noticed something was up after we scored the weed and they wouldn't give me wht I paid for until we got to were ever we were going... I should of noticed something was up when we started to walk through a dark thick area of trees were no one could see me but I thought we were finding someone privet to smoke... And lastly I should have fucking ran when the fucker started to lift my top up to show his 4 mates my tits and laughed at me but instead I stood there and froze... Why do I ALWAYS fucking FREEZE! Inside I'm screaming fucking RUN Mekah!! RUUUNN! But no, stupid fucking me freezes and my arms turn to jelly while my legs turn to lead and my voice decides not to work. I turn off and go numb, my boby gives up not to say I didn't fight, he placed a knife to my throat, forced oral sex and a slit throat... After I stand to run, take one step and shoved back down, I get up only to be pushed back down, I then try to crawl away and foot stomps on my back and I'm stood on, held down and laugh at by all. Pants torn down and laughed at more, I had my period and for some reason they found my bloody pad amusing... Normal sex would have been messy I guess so maybe that's why they decided to do the other? Or maybe they liked how I cried out in pain?

You cringing at my post yet? Hard to read yet? Well imagine explaining all this but in much much much more detail and depth and to people you dont know "face to face" With the rapist within ear shot, you wouldn't be able to see him but you know he's there, you can sence him, feel him, smell him... or is that just memories? Probably both...

I clench both my thumbs in my hands until my knuckels turn white, I bite my lower lip to hide that it's trembeling and I dig my nails deep into my palms in hopes that it might stop me from crying...

And it's only Friday... Did I say "only"? I ment it's ALREADY Friday, I need more time! I don't want Monday to come but at the same time I just want everything over with so I can move the fuck on and try to forget about it all, I'll start going to CASA like I should have 8 years ago, since then I've been raped another 3 times... so now I really need to go... I can't hide it all inside anymore, I'm about to burst with all the shame, guilt and disgust.

Pete and I had finally finnished painting everything in the bungalo, well Pete did the most and well the permit guy came to make sure everything was ok and guess what... It was been put down as a seperate dwelling or something due to it having a stove and a washing machine in the bathroom! So either we have to pay an extra $200 a month or rip the stove and the pipes to the washing machine out then get the permit AND THEN put everything back in! Fucking sucks! I started crying when I found all this out, made me so upset at how stupid and unfair it all was but what must be done must be done I guess...

I've been having bad nightmares again, wish I had xanax, they make me not dream, my nightmares are so scary makes me not want to sleep. Also, did everyone have a good mothers day on Sunday? I sent a text to my grandma and my Mum, second real mothersday I've had since I was 3. I asked my Mum when I could come see her again and you know what she said? She said I must go to rehab first and get clean before seeing her... This is coming from someone that grows and smokes her own weed and has done for the last 25 years and also gave up her own children due to drug use...Not fair but I understand, just makes everything easier I guess.