I don't think so... I went to visit Peter today, so the day started off pretty good! But then it fell apart, starting from Pete telling me he has been written up to be moved to another jail, Fullem which is located in Saile... 5 fucking hours away from me! But Pete did give me a choice, he said he could either move to Port Phillip which is about ten minutes away from were he is now, I'll get to visit him once a week but only for an hour or he could move to Fullem and even though it's so much further away I'll get to visit him once a week for 4 hours! Even though it'll be much easier for me if he moved to Port Phillip I told him to go to Fullem, I'd travel the extra 2 hours if it means I get to see him for 4 hours instead of just one! I'd have to leave my house at 7am and I'd end up getting back home at about 10pm, yes I love him that much!

But then I got the worst news of my life when I got home, I had a blood test a few days ago to see the levels of my Hep C... I called the doctor for my result and not only is my Hep C on level 1 the worst strain but I'm also HIV positive... I started to cry on the phone feeling like my heart was just torn out... The doctor kept saying it was ok and that I didn't have full blown AIDS, I kept yelling at him "Yeah, not yet!"

How do I explain to Pete that even though he's in jail his girlfriend, his love of his life is HIV positive and he wont be able to spend the rest of his life with her or have kids like he wanted... I most likely wont live to see my 30th birthday ... I think I might wait for Pete to come home before I tell him, it'll be too much for him to bare while he's locked up and unable to support me.

I just feel like there's no point to anything anymore, no point in staying off drugs, no point at being a healthy weight, just no point in living at all! I might as well kill myself, heck I'd rather kill myself then die from AIDs, it's a very slow and painful death in which you finally end up drowning in your own fluids! Upside is, at least I'll die thin... really, really, really thin... I'm so fucking scared and alone right now... Does anyone know if there's a cure? I don't want to DIE!!! I finally find someone I really love and gives me reason to LIVE and now I wont be able to grow old with him! What if he leaves me cause of this?! Oh my god!!! I don't want it to end like this... I just want it to go away... please...

P.S... And Sara has Blocked me and then shut down her xanga site because I  left her a comment asking her about our friendship... I really need a close friend, I need her now... But now she's gone and left me to deal with this alone...

I'm finally back and will most likely be updating a lot more too... Would you know it, I'm back to 61kg... I feel like a fat beached whale, god I hate my body! 4 years of stavation all gained back within 6 months! ARGH! My lowest weight was 38kgs... But I never got better, I'm losing weight again but my goal weight is 50kgs, not 40kgs I want to be thin but healthy too.

Anyway, I'm visiting Peter tomorrow, he's in jail and I miss him so so very much which is why I'm so depressed and losing weight oh and due to the fact I had a miscarriage 2 months ago. I was 2 months pregnant but when Peter got locked up the stress caused me to lose the baby. I've also been clean from heroin for over 2 months now but am always tempted, so I make sure I never put myself in a tempting situtation, I gave my ATM card to Peter's Mum and she controls my money making sure I never have enough on me to buy heroin and when I "do" buy something I have to have proof of purchase... And well if I'm cought using I'll be kicked out to live on te street! So I have homelessness to think of before I think about using!

Sara still hasn't talked to me, I think our friendship is over sadly, I miss her so much I just can't believe she'd do this to me! I was always there for her to support her when she needed me to and then the moment I need her support and friendship it's like "I'm sorry, I want to quit drugs so I can't hang around you or I'll use." Like what total crap! It's like I feel as though she thinks I've always pushed her to use, made her feel like she HAD to to be my friend and even though I'm clean now she still doesn't speak to me... I just feel so fucking CRUSHED! We were best friends since being in hospital together, we've been through so much and now because of this she just bluntly descides to cut me off as though I never matterd to her in the fucking first place!! If I felt she was my best friend, the best friend I've ever had... Then what was I to her? Very little, or maybe even someone she could "use" to get drugs at one stage? I don't think she really even liked me much all along, I guess I was stupid enough to let myself think she was a really nice person, a good friend and someone that was always going to be there for me NO MATTER WHAT because that's what REAL FRIENDS do! They stick together no matter what each other does!!

But... even though I am very very hurt, I still lover her and would be more then happy to be her friend again, hang out, get a coffee or even just talk to her over the phone. Like it was at the start.

P.S... I'm changing my profile picture, it hurts too much to look at

I went and had a contact visit with Peter today! But he has been moved! He is now at the Metropolitan Remand Centre (MRC), which is located on the corner of Robinsons Road and Middle Road all the way out in Deer Park! It takes a full hour by car but if I want to go see him on a day were his Mum can’t take me because she is working and I have to take public transport, it will then take two and a half hours! And unlike were he was before at the MRC you have to “book” a time to visit and if you’re late then stiff, you aren’t allowed your visit! And the visit was so much more “restricted” in terms of how much touching there was! You have to sit on these small round chairs that are stuck to the floor and then you have this big square table, the chairs are so far apart you can hardly hold hands and you aren’t allowed off the chair during the visit! I kept trying to get closer but kept being told off by this bitch of a woman! First I sat on the table next to him so I could be closer but was told to sit back on my seat, then I stood up and stood behind Pete so I could massage his shoulders and play with his hair but again was told to sit back down! It was so fucking stupid! Even if I “was” to even “try” and smuggle anything on him, he is stripped searched afterwards! Like c’mon! It’s called a “contact visit” for a fucking reason! And then when our time was up I just wanted 5 extra minutes to hug and kiss him goodbye but that fucking whore of a cop kept pushing Pete to leave! And as always when I leave him I cried all the way back home. Peter’s Mum tried cheering me up but I could also see she was choking back the tears and trying to stay strong for me. It’s only 9 more days till Pete goes to court and maybe, just maybe he’ll come home… Even though there is only a 15-20% chance of him getting bail, there is still a “chance” he’ll be back home, back in my arms again.

Mean while… I have hardly eaten anything and have lost roughly 10kgs in the past two weeks! It’s mostly due to the depression of Pete being gone but also I think I am/have relapsed back into my Eating Disorder. I am now again taking “a lot” of diet pills and exercising to the point of collapsing! Pete’s Mum tries to make me sit wit her at dinner time so I eat and even though I eat I also look at the clock like I used to and then throw it all back up exactly 20 minutes later… Pete’s Dad has this really cool exercise bike that tells you how many calories you are burning and how fast your heart is beating! I exercise on that when ever I’m home alone and try to burn off as much as I can, pretty much to the point were when I get off the bike my legs are so sore and “jelly-like” I can not walk and have to crawl! HaHa!

On a good note, I have completely quit Heroin! Although I still think about it and am tempted at times, especially on my pay nights but I stay strong and think about all the bad shit it has caused! After all, it’s because of Heroin that “my Pete” was taken away from me! But I don’t promise I’ll never use again! I might one day have a weak moment and slip up! But slipping up is all part of quitting and Heroin is a very, very, very hard drug to quit!

Anyway, I’m tired and am off to start writing another letter for Pete, I am going to visit him again this Wednesday! I already can’t wait.

Well things are finally starting to calm down! I’m allowed to stay here in Vermont which makes it “a lot” easier for me to visit Pete, plus I won’t be all alone ! I really need to be surrounded with people I know that truly care and love me and I know Yolande really loves me, I’m going to be her daughter in-law one day after all “and” one day give her a “much wanted” grandchild ! Tonight I’m getting paid and well… For the first time in two years I won’t be getting Heroin and to tell you the truth, I’m happy about it too ! Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t go score if I still had my A.T.M card with me , I just feel a lot “safer” with Yolande holding it! And tomorrow I’m going to go meet her on her break and we’re going to go out and get my new phone ! I’ve wanted this phone for so long but every time I get paid all my money goes to Heroin and I never get what I wanted! But not this time! My money for a while will be controlled by Yolande and I “really” need her to do that. Like sure, I can get up at 9am, go to the bank and get money out without even having to use my A.T.M card ! But I really, really, really want to try and beat this monster of a drug ! I’d rather be consumed with my eating disorder then be addicted to Heroin! Tomorrow I also want to get my hair chemically straightened and then dyed jet black ! Pete thinks I’d look hot ! So I want to get it done tomorrow before I see him for a contact visit on Wednesday! But I just hope I can afford it all ! I need to pay Zack $150 for rent, the phone plus credit will be $230, smokes will be $50, my dome will be $30, my hair will be $150 (depending on how much it cost to straighten and dye) and on top of all that I owe Matt $110 which I promised I’d pay him! So all that adds up to like, $720! If I didn’t have to pay Matt any money I could do all this ! So either I get a phone or get my hair done, I’ll probably get a phone seeing it’s more important! I keep getting all these junkie losers asking me to score with them tonight or asking me to come over (in other words just because Pete is gone they think they have a chance of getting into my pants !).

Oh well, I’ll figure something out! I just hope I actually get to see Pete on Wednesday because he could be moved any day now! And there’s a good chance he’ll be moved to Shepperton (spelling?) which is in the country somewhere, it’s a fair distance away but where he’ll be staying will be so much better for him ! It’s like a farm, minimum security too! And contact visits last four hours ! And they are so privet I could probably even jump his bones if I wanted to! HAHA !

I’ve decided to not get my hair done (sorry Pete)! But then I’ll have at least $70 left which I’ll put into a savings account which I’ll be doing every pay until it’s needed, it’s always good to have “back-up money”! Or I might get two grams of chuff ! It’ll only cost $40 and will last me at “least” a week!

Sara my long time friend from the Austin has stopped talking to me and won’t tell me why , I’m guessing it’s cause she’s also wanting to get off drugs and has deleted everyone she knows that’s on drugs from her life! I just wish I could let her know that I’m too trying to do the same and I really need some support , I have no friends and well she was all I had ! And it was well… A little cruel to just “throw me away” like some kind of trash ! I thought we were like butterfly sisters, I loved her, I really did and now she doesn’t even want to know me anymore, it hurts !

I really do hope Pete gets out on the 30^th, my hopes are high but they really shouldn’t be… He told me today he has a 15% to 20% possibility that he’ll get to come home , but I guess if he doesn’t get out he’ll be sent to that farm and he would have already served half his time !

I also got two letters from Pete today ; both cheered me up and made me laugh ! I “so” needed that! In one of the letters he wrote about all the “dirty” things he’s going to do to me when he gets out! HAHA! Of cause I won’t go into detail but I’m really looking forward to it ! He also apologized for all the times he yelled at me, called me names and hurt my feelings. I think he’s actually realized how much we both love each other !

I stayed in bed all day, didn’t eat anything till about 5pm, and had two pears which just bloated me! And then when dinner came along all I could eat was a small bowl of soup, there were small shapes and letters in the soup. I started to play with it and managed to put on the side of my bowl “M”“P” and I kept looking at it, Yolande saw it and laughed ! She is making me eat with her and Zack now because they know I haven’t been eating and she also found my stash of diet pills ! I have to hide them better and tell her I threw them away! I want to be sexy and thin when Pete gets out!

The Xanax I’ve been taking have been sort of helping but not, it’s hard to explain. I’m dispensed four every two days, it helps me relax and cheers me up a bit but when they wear off, oh my god! I start to turn into a hysterical mess! Plus I’m so forgetful it’s just ridiculous ! And I’m starting to find I need “more” then just one at a time for the same effect… So I’m going to try and make it through the day without them and just have two at night or… Be dodgy and go to a different doctor and get Valium too . What do you think I should do people ? Because the current doctor I’m getting them off now won’t raise my dose, I’m lucky he even prescribed them to me in the first place!

Anyway, I’ve written enough and I’m getting tired. Please someone comment, I’m lonely and really need support more then ever !

Pete goes to court in Ringwood on the 30^th and there’s a chance he might be able to come home ! I have a count down on my calendar; oh I’m just praying every night that he’ll get to come home! I miss him so much my heart aches 24/7, I’m so depressed I haven’t eaten for days and I’ve cried myself to sleep every night since he’s been gone .

Today has been so rough, so cold and so cruel for my poor tender heart that I’ve cried nearly all day non-stop !

First Pete calls me at about 9:30am (I love waking up to his voice ) and I told him that his Dad (Zack) wants me out ! And it’s all because last Thursday night I went out at 12am to get a smoke and didn’t come home till 2am (I didn’t score by the way! ) and so he wants me out. Pete’s older brother (Phil) and younger sister (Liz) “also” want me out ! And then his Mum (Yolande) cuts in on the phone and yells at me ! We both started to cry, Pete is so stressed because all he wants to do is look after me and make sure I’m ok but he can’t because he’s stuck in jail ! So I thought “fuck staying here, I’m going to go see Pete!” it would cheer us both up too! Plus I think he is getting moved to a different Assessment Prison tomorrow so I really wanted to see him today because the place they are moving him to is “ages” away and it might be a while before I get to see him!

So I left the house at about 12pm and about ten minutes later I get a phone call from Simon (one of Pete’s ex junkie friends) and he told me to tell Pete that when Pete get’s out he’ll have a “welcome party” waiting for him! In other words, Simon has gotten 10 of his mates together to smash Pete when he gets out ! So I told him to go “fuck him self !” and then he said that if he sees me anywhere in the street, he’ll also smash “me” !! He’s also going to be waiting at the ATM I normally get my money out, I get my money out at about 12:10am on a Tuesday (pretty much the second it goes in) but that was when I used Heroin and I won’t be doing that anymore! Plus, I’ve given my ATM card to Yolande just in case I get “tempted”

So after that phone call I “really” needed to see Pete but guess what… The moment I get there I’m told it was too late ! Visiting hours were over! They had “just” changed the visiting times yesterday and I didn’t know ! I thought they ended at 3pm but they ended at 12:30pm and I arrived at 2pm ! So all I could do was drop off some magazines Pete wanted and softly cried on my way out and back onto the tram that I had gotten off at !.

When I got back home I just ran upstairs and cried my eyes out, I pleaded with Yolande to let me stay but more then likely she’ll be sending me back to Rosebud. So I called Marnah (my sister) and hoped she could cheer me up, she told me I might be able to live with a guy friend of hers (Nathen). I haven’t seen him for like, two years ! So she called him and he called me back, we’ve arranged to meet up tomorrow at 12:30pm to have lunch and talk about it. But it’s all up to Nathen’s Mum, if she says yes I’ll be living at the Wanterna Caravan Park and so I’ll be closer to Pete and will be able to visit him ! But I don’t know, I think I’ll just go to Rosebud and stay there anyway…. I’ll be away from drugs, near the beach and a ten minute walk from my Methadone pharmacy, I “guess” that’s good ... But I won’t be able to see Pete until he gets out , I’ll only be able to write to him and receive his phone calls (the calls cut out after 12minutes and he can only make 3 calls a day ).

So if I stop updating for a while it’ll be because I’ll be in Rosebud but I’ll try and get the internet up and running seeing I’ll have money and won’t be spending it all on Heroin !

I’m going to go now and write more of Pete’s letter and “try” to have some dinner… I probably won’t though; I’m too depressed and not even hungry anyway .

Peter's Mum made me dinner tonight and pretty much “forced” it into my face ! So I went upstairs to eat seeing Peter’s brother and sister was over and doesn’t really like me thus, I couldn’t eat at the table with them ! I looked at my dinner, meat and mashed potatoes… I wasn’t even hungry and the thought of eating made my stomach churn… I started to cry as Peter’s Mum walked in with a corn cob . She just kept telling me to eat and that I’ll be ok. She doesn’t understand ! My eating disorder has returned in full force ! I’m just too depressed to eat… So I grabbed a plastic bag and threw all the food into it, bit off the corn and spat it into the bag so it looked like I ate it. I just didn’t have the heart to bring a full plate of food back down to her . At least this way she’ll be happy thinking I’m eating again!

And guess what, Peter’s Mum just walked in with a slice of sponge cake for me … I’ll just have to do the same trick…

Today I spent from 10am till about 6pm traveling around just so I could get my Methadone ! And the whole way there I was writing a letter to Peter, almost like a diary! He’ll like knowing what I’m up to and how I’m feeling , I’ll be seeing him tomorrow for a “box visit”, I’ll also hand in my letter which is now nearly 14 pages long !

Matt, my ex is getting paid tonight and he called me asking if I wanted him to shout me Heroin… I want to but I don’t … I might get it and save it for after I see Peter tomorrow cause I’ll be so depressed seeing him behind a wall of glass and not being able to touch him !

I might update later, just to see if I “did” get on or not!

I finally got to visit Peter today! And it was a contact visit too ! I was supposed to be able to see him for an hour but I got in ten minutes late so my visit was cut down to 50 minutes which sped by way too quickly !

When I saw him walk in wearing this weird dark green body suit I just broke out crying, ran up to him and hugged the life out of him! We both kissed whilst crying for at least five minutes before we pulled ourselves together and sat down. He told me it wasn’t so bad in there, he’s already made two friends which makes me feel a little less worried! At least they’ll both watch his back .

I was also starting to feel pretty crap, I hadn’t yet had my methadone (medication you drink that stops you from hanging out for Heroin) but I have to go all the way to Rosebud to get it ! And it takes three hours to get there and three hours to get back ! So I wouldn’t have been able to visit Peter! But I had a plan for when I got out which I’ll explain in a bit .

Peter then started to tell me that he was ready to “explode” if you get my drift . Because he has to share his cell with two other guys so he can’t “relieve” himself at night ! So… Secretly I slid my hand under the table , (and so did he !) making sure no one could see us and helped him “relieve” himself (And he also did a pretty damn good job of doing the same for me !) Like, c’mon! A guy masturbates at “least” once every two nights and Pete hasn’t been able to in nearly two weeks ! Plus, as sex goes, that’s as close as we’ll be getting until he get’s out !

He feels really bad about the miscarriage I had too, he blames himself for it but I kept reminding him that it wasn’t his fault at all ! Even though it “was” caused by extreme stress but it just wouldn’t have been right for me to have a baby yet, especially since I’m on methadone, have Hepatitis C and still haven’t 100% quit Heroin ! I want my baby to be born healthy and not drug dependent like I was! Pete is also going to marry me when he gets out ! His Mum is already telling everyone that I’m going to be her daughter in-law! Ha! Ha!

After our visit was up, of cause I started to cry “again” (I’ve been crying a lot lately ), I left and quickly called Simon (one of Peter’s mates), he owes me quite a bit of money but all I wanted was for him to shout me a taste so I could stop hanging out! I couldn’t get my methadone so I was fully depending on him to help me out! It took me forever to get in contact with him, so I started to think he had ditched me ! But finally two hours later he called me and said he didn’t have any money (big surprise there *cough*)… Last week he stole $350 from me and owned up to it two days ago and said he’d pay me back today! But instead, while I was visiting Peter he scored and spent “all” his money on Heroin !

So… I had to (and when I mean “had to” I mean, if I didn’t I was going to be in a world of agony and extreme pain!) scab $150 with him ! We managed to do it in about an hour or so and finally got on and finally I felt better . But I also felt guilty for using, it’s just I didn’t really have a choice !

A few nights ago I also cut for the first time in “ages” ! And I haven’t eaten for about 4 days now ! And I’ve also lost about 3kgs ! I guess it’s a good thing? I’m not fasting and losing weight on “purpose” I’m just too depressed to without Peter to want to eat anything! It’s like my eating disorder went away when Pete entered into my life, he made me feel beautiful no matter what weight I was ! But now he’s gone and my eating disorder is slowly clawing its way back into my head and with vengeance !

Anyway, tomorrow I’ll have to leave at about 9am to head to Rosebud so I can get my Methadone and my 5 take-aways (take-aways are Methadone in a bottle so you can take them home, saving you from going back to the Pharmacy for your next dose) so I won’t have to go back up to Rosebud till next Wednesday or Thursday… That’s if I use seeing I get paid next Tuesday … I just hope I have enough willpower…

Well, it’s late and I have an early start tomorrow so I better go!

Night, Night!

Fuck I miss Peter… I tried so hard to visit him today. You see, I only had 75% proof of I.D and I needed 100%, so the first time I tried visiting him I just got sent away! So today, I went and got my birth certificate renewed which meant I finally had enough I.D to see him! But… The visiting cut off time is 3:30pm and you “must” be in “before” 3pm… I got in at 3:10pm… And I was denied…

I’m starting to cut again, I haven’t eaten in like 3 days and I’m not even trying to “fast”… I just can’t eat, I’m too fucking depressed! First my love of my life gets taken away and then I lose my baby! I feel like crying as I type… However, I “am” seeing him tomorrow for an hour contact visit! I’ll tell you guys all about it too!

I think I might change the layout to my xanga, it’s kind of old. Plus Tiger isn’t with me anymore.

Guys… the shit I’ve done in the past year due to heroin would totally turn you off even talking to me anymore… although I’m sure most of you have already forgotten about me.

Anyway, I’ll update tomorrow or a.s.a.p.

For a long time now I've had a raging heroin habit! But I did how ever recover from my eating disorder. ALOT of awful stuff has happened in the past few days. I was about two months pregnant to my current boyfriend Peter, he is in jail right now and will be for 4 months. But about 4 days ago I has a miscarriage... I haven't eaten for 3 days. I' also back up to about 65kgs... Awful I know, but now I'm too depressed to eat cause Pete is not with me, all I do is cry and the only this that's making me happy right now is heroin... I don't have much to say sorry... I'll update sometime during the week.

I'm now living in vermont south with Pete;s mum and dad. Well... I'm off to cry myself to sleep....

I'm starting my fast again tomorrow or really "today" and I'm going to fast till I get back to Melbourne next Monday which is about six days so hopefully if I stick to it I'll get back into the 40's. I'm looking forward to seeing Tiger again! But I'm also sad about going back cause I don't think I'll stay away from drugs, part of me is counting down the seconds till I get to have a needle stuck in me again and the other half is dreading it...I'm not sure how Matt will take it either, he seems pretty content on not using anymore so if I go and score I wonder if/how much Matt will get angry? I don't really want to think about it :-/...

Well today was a pretty nice day even though we never went to the beach, Matt didn't really think it was warm enough and well it wasn't, not to go for a swim anyway but it would have been nice to tan a bit but by the time Matt was ready to go it was already 3:30pm and getting cold so we didn't really bother. We're going home soon and we haven't even taken any pictures or even seen the beach...:-/...oh well...

I binged so much today! I bet I've gained back all the weight that I've lost! ...I'm too scared to weigh myself seeing I'm already "so" fucking depressed! So I guess I'll just weigh myself this Sunday or early Monday when we leave so I can quickly update one last time because when we leave I can't update anymore! Well unless I go to the Ringwood library near Eastland but I can already see myself lazing around at home like I used to so probably not...ohhh I don't want to go home! I want to stay here! But I miss Tiger too much so I have to go back and protect her .

Debbie's boyfriend Dan has returned home from the bush and brought along a huge bag of weed! So Debbie, Dan, Matt and myself all got stoned tonight! It was just what the doctor ordered, weed is like my "home grown" antidepressant, lol XD. I haven't smoked in such a long time that by just a few puffs I was "smashed"! I ended up nodding off to sleep for aged and now I can't sleep! I've been going to be real late like 4am and getting up around 12pm which is pretty normal for me, I used to go to bed at like 3am and get up at 2pm so it's a "good" change I guess?

Anyway, getting stoned was pretty much the only high light for today, I'm looking forward to fasting, it's becoming a type of coping mechanism to my depression and Matt arguing with me but it's annoying when Matt only notices when I'm eating "a lot" but never says anything when I don't eat "at all"...I kind of like to be noted for my will power lol .
I'll see yas tomorrow.