Yesterday i went swimming with caitlyn...but before we got to the pools she decided to buy some Burbon...Thus flash backs of my drinking days streem back to me as i took my first sip in aaagees. she gave me 3 cans of her siz pack and only 10 mins after my first can i could hardly walk straight...we werent even at the pools yet O_O. My voice was all over the place and so were my feet lol and there i was trying to walk in 5" platforms XD. So we got to the pools and ca told me to go straight to the changing rooms so the person at the front want know we;ve been drinking lol but it was obviouse...seeing i walked half way into the GUYS changing room before cat screamed "Mekah! thats the BOYS room!" i was like O.O "oh my, i was wondering why all these guys were here." so i giggled my way out and into the girls room lol XD. Then i got changed and pranced my flabby ass down to the pool.

I jumped off the diving board a tonne of times and didnt even notice i had lost my top before a life gaurd coverd me up with a towl and walked me over to a bench...drinking + swimming= a major embaressing scene made by me lol XD.

So we had to leave cause i had flashed my "two peas in a pod" to all the little kiddies XD. so as we walked back i had ANOTHER can. by then cat had finnished all hers and she was just getting tipsy and asked if she could have my last can...i gave it to her seeing i was too blind to withstand a third lol.

When we got back to myplace i fell asleep straight away until ryan came home and cat left.

Ryan was pissed off that i had been drinking but eh...i paid for it later though....got so sick o.o...now i remember why i gave it all up...XD. I couldnt hold a drink even if i tried lol.

Today i went out to eastland with mark...as much as he annoys me he was pretty nice today. He bought me a salad and didnt say anything eating disorder related to me...just said he was happy to see me eat and thats it. But as we started to walk around a bit more my legs started to feel weird, at first they just felt sore...like i had walked ALOT when i hadnt...so i ignored it. the pain got worse and traveld up my back to the back of my hip bones it got so bad i had to sit down...on the floor O_O. there i was in the food cort in the middle of 100s of ppl sitting on the floor grabbing my legs in pain!! Mark actually then picked me up in his arms, rushed me to his car and drove me to the nearest doctor. by the my arms started hurting too, i started to sweat cuz it hurt so much...but you know what the doctor said...he told me to go home, drink more fluids and rest...ya thanks...ill crawl away now and die -_-.

so mark took me home and stayed till FINALLY after 3 hours the pain went away. what the hell happend? this has never happend to me...felt like every muscle in my body was being pulled out of me O_O, and my heart was beating SO hard i could see it beating on my chest! i thought i was gonna friggin DIE X_X.

so if anyone knows what happend...what should i do if or when it might happen again? like what if im out alone and it happens O_O

 i got some pics...gotta be quick cuz ryan will be home soon.

arm has gotten thinner...top half is still flabby tho

my huge thighs...although they dont touch which is good...note: my knees are touching

my hair is damp so its looks all nice and wavy...not a complete BOOF lol

and another one to show off how long my hair has grown lol

and thats all im sorry, i only just found my cam and ryan will be home soon so i had to rush

1kg to go...8 days to lose it in...i think i might actually make it O.O. I was gonna take pics today but i have no idea were my camera is -_-'...meh, pics will be taken on the water skiing trip so ill post those.

hmm..ive lost 5kgs since i last saw my dad...what will he say next week when i see him? hell prolly make me veggie soup and tell me how to make it and stuff...seeing thats how he thinks i can get better...by eating veggie soup. if veggie soup could recover be from my eating disorder id be eating it by the gallon...but it want help.

Hmm...i weigh 99lbs and my bmi is now 17...does that mean im anorexic? seeing you gotta have a bmi of 17.5 or lower...nah thats stupid...what kinda anorexic b/pes everyday...Im bulimic...that has the bmi of an anorexic...lmao that sounds soooo lame XD.

Well ill update later.

I havent passed out since my fasting days...it was scary and it was in front of ryan! O_O. I knew i was gonna pass out sooner or later though...ive been getting intence head spins everytime i stand up and just last night i stood up to make a coffee, head started spinning, eyes rolled back and then slam...i wake up and ryan is looking at me from his computer chair...he didnt even stand up to check on me! just stared -_-'''...I just stood up and said i was ok, ryan was like, "Are...you....sure." O_____O *stares* lol i think he was too stunned lol. i think i hit my head on the ground as my head still hurts...thats the third time ive slammed my head by passing out god damn it. meh, could of been worse, could slammed my head on the kitchen floor...now THAT would of hurt  O.O''.

Anyway...I'm gonna drag my "saggy ass" into the shower and ill update later.

back...ive now descoverd a little lump on my head...yeay not -_-'...how long does it take before a lump goes away?

oh, talking about "lumps" i found one in my left booby! O_O its painful and feels like a frozen pea...not sure if i should go to the doctor...seeing last time i had a lump checked it was nothing. i got worried about it and asked ryan what he thought...he just said, "all i feel is ribs." thanks -_-'. well if i die of breast cancer its not my fault! i blame....the cat!!! lol

perfect...*pout* will my legs ever be that thin? prolly not -_-'

only 1 and a half kgs to go and only 11 days to do it in...possible?

And you know what reeaalllyy sucks...even though ive lost weight so quickly ryan had the "nerve" to say last night that "I" had a "saggy" ass...like wtf thanks -_-''...like just because he has little or no ass at all...what do you expect after losing 54lbs, i got loose skin everywhere!! or maybe thats just a lame excuse im making for myself and my ass IS really fat and saggy. Now I'm a million times MORE insecure about wearing a bikini, i was just starting to feel ok wearing one without board shorts to hide my ASS...but now i HAVE to find board shorts or i cant go -_-''.

So...anyone know how to tighten up your butt cheeks? lol ive tried everything! O___O

My dad just lectured me...my sister told him everything about my disorder and so he called me up and talked to me about it, gave me a nurse on call number and told me to look up "bulimia". i feel like hes found out every single dirty little secret that i have...it took everyone this long to see right though me and now i feel naked...like everyone knows and can read every thought i have.

i have a small feel wendy doesnt want me over anymore...shes scared i might "puke" in her toilet, or eat all her food. and now she thinks ive given away the clothes shes given me...who the hell em i going to give em to? scratchy?? O_O.

meh...i just wanted to see my dad today...i feel lonely all by myself, all day everyday...

i feel like grabbing ryan by the shoulders and yelling, "I have a eating disorder!! dont you see me dying here!!!!!" cause hes the only one thats clueless about it and it annoys me to no end...but ill prolly regret telling him...it seems hes more worried about his car then he is about me...-_-'

So i took the Lexapro...it...was weird. Didnt feel good and i forgot to hide the box so ryan found out and threw them in the bin outside...bah oh well. I got a call from the doctor later afternoon yesterday, it was about my blood test...everything is low, potasium (spelling?), iron, sugar...its all low but not badly low...they wanna do more tests too.

I tried glueing my platforms back together with wood glue lmfao...it didnt work waaa...maybe i can get my dad to by some new ones.

oh and marnah told my oma that i smoke...joy -_-'...itll give her even more to yell at me about, monday is gonna be interesting when i go to see my dad...seeing hell be sober then and he found out when he was drunk O_O...maybe hell forget! lol.

im just blabbering now so ill go. 

interesting...lol..wait...i look like AMY LEE?! O.O''

And i did one just for angie cause she so beautiful ^.^ lol...she looks like alot of asian celebs lol...maybe its just the colour of the pic...oh well, all of her look-alike are amazing O.O

Well...ive hit my lowest weight...will i yoyo back up? or will i make it to my next goal weight?

Ryan has noticed...everytime he goes to work he says, "Try to eat something today." I just lay there in my bed, too tired to get up...my body is acheing but i force myself out of bed anyway...i like to talk to angie in the morning lol.

I pulled the antidepressants out of the bin and hid them...im still scared to take them but i feel a huge mood swing coming on...ive hit 46kgs and im not even excited, im just like...its just a number, i still look the same. I'm also scared that the lexapro will make me gain weight...bah.

My only plaforms broke yesterday!! well they were kinda too big for me anyway...is it possible for your feet to shrink? lol. i got those platforms about 4 years ago and they are so loose on my feet now, i ended up twisting my ankle and a strap on one of them snapped! now all i got are my boots and runners...blah! nad timeing for them to break! i cant wear boots or runners with my summer clothes! maybe i can glue it back together hahaha.

hmm...i can wrap my fingers around my ankle...interesting...never been able to do that.

Well ill update later.

So ryan found the pills the doctor gave me ysterday and asked me what it was. at first he thought it was laxatives (hence the name Laxepro lol) and i told him it was a antidepressent...he looked at the boxes for another second and then chucked them in the bin...he then said, "why do you need them? you're not depressed! you dont need them...they make you go all out of it." So now they are sitting in the bin...i dont really care...after taking effexor im kinda scared to take antidepressants now...effexor was so horrible and scary.

Someone yelled something mean at me today whilst i was out shopping. It was a group of guys drinking and as i walked past them one of them yelled, "Skinny scab!!" I didnt know wether to laugh or feel offended!! lol...ive never been called a skinny scab before haha...everyone seems to be glareing at me...is there something on my face? do i need a tan? what?? O___O i probably need a tan...nearly every girl i see has a tan already...meh, i like my pail skin...taning only causes wrinkles and fake tans cost too much...plus i already have a hard time at how huge i am let alone what my friggin skin colour is...

Well i better go and clean...theres alot to do and little time to do it in ahahha.

...perfect...not just her body but her sence of fashion too! lol

whaaaat?! Well remember when i said i got $150 in my bank that came out of nowhere? well just ysterday i got a form from centrelink that my payments have been "suspended" and now i only get $170 every 2 weeks...and why? cause my dad forgot to tick a yes and no box on a form i gave him to fill out...FUCKing pain in the ass. so today i gotta sort that shit out, cause $170 is hardly enough to even give ryan O_O.

Anyway...Monday Caitlyn ended up coming over, she stayed the night...slept in my bed and i slept with ryan...wasnt gonna make the same mistake with sharee. Then yesterday my dad picked me up to go to his house and watch the horse races...but i left before it even started haha. But as i was there, caitlyn asked me for a light...i was like, "i dont smoke." cause you see...my dad doesnt know i smoke...well he didnt...but ill get onto that a bit later. Wendy made some little finger food treats...which i heavily induldged in...so yes i now weigh 47kgs...fuck...my own fault tho waa. My dad noticed i had lost weight and before i left he asked me to gain some weight...just for him...like thatll happen. So 3pm came along and ryan picked me and caitlyn up, we went home and i made some cookies...slept alot...i was SO tired. And then i get a phone call from my dad, he said, "If you ever want to light up then you can, marnah told me and caitlyn pretty much gave you away." I started to panic...after nearly 4 yrs of me keeping my bad habit a secret from my dad...he knows!! but he wasnt angry...he was all like, "Its your health." and so on...i still feel guilty tho, it took me ages to smoke in front of ryan after he found out...itll take me FOREVER to smoke infront of my DAD! arrgghh x_x.

Caitlyn stayed till about 8pm till she finally went hoommee! lol...i can stand her for a day but after 24 hours it gets to be a bit much...she talks so damn much!!! O_O hahaha.

So then that brings me to today...i really hope i get at least "some" money in my bank...i really need it right now...man i wish i wasnt so mantally fucked up...i wish i wasnt so damn afraid of everyone and everything...maybe then i could actually find a job or learn to drive without having a damn panic attack -_-''

Back...i sorta out the centrlink stuff...gonna get paid tomorrow so thats all good. but nooww...ive got a doctors appointment in roughly 30mins...gonna go in for a check up have the doctor check my heart and such...so ill update once i get back.

Back again, last update...the appointment was weird...not really helpful either. she said the "heart fluttering" i get afte i purge is "probably" related to a panic attack...yeeaah...Then i explained how my wrists and knees hurt alot. she just nodded her head and then checked my heart beat, glands, ears...and then gave me a form to take to a hospital to get a blood test which will check my potassium and iron...and then after allll that...she gave me 4 weeks worth of anti depressants called "Lexapro" or something like that....ARGH...i go in there looking like death, come out with no info whats so ever only MORE pills. but before i left i told her how i was rejected from IP and she explained to me that IP is mostly for people that have fallen below a certain weight...for me...itll be below 40kgs...so i gotta weight LESS then 40kgs to get help...great...hopfully i want die before then.