Well I found out Sara is getting rid of everyone that has anything to do with either drugs or eating disorders, she wants to have a clean and healthy life but what I don't understand is why does having to get rid of close friends have anything to do with getting better? It's like she thinks if she hangs around me I'm going to shuv a needle full of drugs in her face and force her to have it! If anything I'd fully support her to stay clean! IT'S WHAT REAL FRIENDS DO! THEY SUPPORT EACH OTHER NO MATTER WHAT! I feel like she's just thrown me away like unwanted rubbish! I feel SO fucking hurt by this, I'm trying to get clean too but I'm not going to just "get rid" of everyone I know that takes drugs! But fine, what the fuck ever, I guess she wasn't a real friend of mine to begin with, as much as I love her and as much as I've tried to get her to talk to me (and boy have I tried) I'm just tried of it, tired of the heart ache she's caused and tired of wondering WHY or what I've done wrong... So I just give up, good luck to her but I just don't need that kind of heart ache in my life right now, I have much more important stuff to worry about! Like Peter being locked up, my Hep C eating my liver and the fact I might die at a early age due to HIV! This is all why I wanted Sara to talk to me, I need her in my life right now, we both struggled through so much hard shit together but we could do it cause we had each other! And I only wanted her to support me, to talk to me on days I couldn't stop crying cause I missed pete or to come visit me on days that I was sick due to my Hep C... But I guess her problems are more imporant then mine and probably always has been... I'm trying to to be sad over this but I just can't help it, she was my best friend and I really thought she felt the same... I gues I was wrong in the end :(.

Anyway, todays been pretty slow, I've done pretty much nothing but stay in bed depressed and too ill to care or want to do anything. My body hurt too much to even change out of my PJs. Pete called, his phone calls are the only thing that make me smile during the day. I really can't wait until he gets to come home, I'm nervous about what's going to happen at court this coming Tuesday, Peter is going to be charged for his more bigger crimes and will be sentenced with more time ontop of what he already has. This Tueday I'll finally find out wether he's coming home in either late October or late Feburary next year! I'm praying he gets to come home in October! I'll be just CRUSHED if he doesn't get to come home for Christmas or new years... :(

I'm finally back and will most likely be updating a lot more too... Would you know it, I'm back to 61kg... I feel like a fat beached whale, god I hate my body! 4 years of stavation all gained back within 6 months! ARGH! My lowest weight was 38kgs... But I never got better, I'm losing weight again but my goal weight is 50kgs, not 40kgs I want to be thin but healthy too.

Anyway, I'm visiting Peter tomorrow, he's in jail and I miss him so so very much which is why I'm so depressed and losing weight oh and due to the fact I had a miscarriage 2 months ago. I was 2 months pregnant but when Peter got locked up the stress caused me to lose the baby. I've also been clean from heroin for over 2 months now but am always tempted, so I make sure I never put myself in a tempting situtation, I gave my ATM card to Peter's Mum and she controls my money making sure I never have enough on me to buy heroin and when I "do" buy something I have to have proof of purchase... And well if I'm cought using I'll be kicked out to live on te street! So I have homelessness to think of before I think about using!

Sara still hasn't talked to me, I think our friendship is over sadly, I miss her so much I just can't believe she'd do this to me! I was always there for her to support her when she needed me to and then the moment I need her support and friendship it's like "I'm sorry, I want to quit drugs so I can't hang around you or I'll use." Like what total crap! It's like I feel as though she thinks I've always pushed her to use, made her feel like she HAD to to be my friend and even though I'm clean now she still doesn't speak to me... I just feel so fucking CRUSHED! We were best friends since being in hospital together, we've been through so much and now because of this she just bluntly descides to cut me off as though I never matterd to her in the fucking first place!! If I felt she was my best friend, the best friend I've ever had... Then what was I to her? Very little, or maybe even someone she could "use" to get drugs at one stage? I don't think she really even liked me much all along, I guess I was stupid enough to let myself think she was a really nice person, a good friend and someone that was always going to be there for me NO MATTER WHAT because that's what REAL FRIENDS do! They stick together no matter what each other does!!

But... even though I am very very hurt, I still lover her and would be more then happy to be her friend again, hang out, get a coffee or even just talk to her over the phone. Like it was at the start.

P.S... I'm changing my profile picture, it hurts too much to look at :(

Well things are finally starting to calm down! I’m allowed to stay here in Vermont which makes it “a lot” easier for me to visit Pete, plus I won’t be all alone ! I really need to be surrounded with people I know that truly care and love me and I know Yolande really loves me, I’m going to be her daughter in-law one day after all “and” one day give her a “much wanted” grandchild ! Tonight I’m getting paid and well… For the first time in two years I won’t be getting Heroin and to tell you the truth, I’m happy about it too ! Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t go score if I still had my A.T.M card with me , I just feel a lot “safer” with Yolande holding it! And tomorrow I’m going to go meet her on her break and we’re going to go out and get my new phone ! I’ve wanted this phone for so long but every time I get paid all my money goes to Heroin and I never get what I wanted! But not this time! My money for a while will be controlled by Yolande and I “really” need her to do that. Like sure, I can get up at 9am, go to the bank and get money out without even having to use my A.T.M card ! But I really, really, really want to try and beat this monster of a drug ! I’d rather be consumed with my eating disorder then be addicted to Heroin! Tomorrow I also want to get my hair chemically straightened and then dyed jet black ! Pete thinks I’d look hot ! So I want to get it done tomorrow before I see him for a contact visit on Wednesday! But I just hope I can afford it all ! I need to pay Zack $150 for rent, the phone plus credit will be $230, smokes will be $50, my dome will be $30, my hair will be $150 (depending on how much it cost to straighten and dye) and on top of all that I owe Matt $110 which I promised I’d pay him! So all that adds up to like, $720! If I didn’t have to pay Matt any money I could do all this ! So either I get a phone or get my hair done, I’ll probably get a phone seeing it’s more important! I keep getting all these junkie losers asking me to score with them tonight or asking me to come over (in other words just because Pete is gone they think they have a chance of getting into my pants !).

Oh well, I’ll figure something out! I just hope I actually get to see Pete on Wednesday because he could be moved any day now! And there’s a good chance he’ll be moved to Shepperton (spelling?) which is in the country somewhere, it’s a fair distance away but where he’ll be staying will be so much better for him ! It’s like a farm, minimum security too! And contact visits last four hours ! And they are so privet I could probably even jump his bones if I wanted to! HAHA !

I’ve decided to not get my hair done (sorry Pete)! But then I’ll have at least $70 left which I’ll put into a savings account which I’ll be doing every pay until it’s needed, it’s always good to have “back-up money”! Or I might get two grams of chuff ! It’ll only cost $40 and will last me at “least” a week!

Sara my long time friend from the Austin has stopped talking to me and won’t tell me why , I’m guessing it’s cause she’s also wanting to get off drugs and has deleted everyone she knows that’s on drugs from her life! I just wish I could let her know that I’m too trying to do the same and I really need some support , I have no friends and well she was all I had ! And it was well… A little cruel to just “throw me away” like some kind of trash ! I thought we were like butterfly sisters, I loved her, I really did and now she doesn’t even want to know me anymore, it hurts !

I really do hope Pete gets out on the 30^th, my hopes are high but they really shouldn’t be… He told me today he has a 15% to 20% possibility that he’ll get to come home , but I guess if he doesn’t get out he’ll be sent to that farm and he would have already served half his time !

I also got two letters from Pete today ; both cheered me up and made me laugh ! I “so” needed that! In one of the letters he wrote about all the “dirty” things he’s going to do to me when he gets out! HAHA! Of cause I won’t go into detail but I’m really looking forward to it ! He also apologized for all the times he yelled at me, called me names and hurt my feelings. I think he’s actually realized how much we both love each other !

I stayed in bed all day, didn’t eat anything till about 5pm, and had two pears which just bloated me! And then when dinner came along all I could eat was a small bowl of soup, there were small shapes and letters in the soup. I started to play with it and managed to put on the side of my bowl “M”“P” and I kept looking at it, Yolande saw it and laughed ! She is making me eat with her and Zack now because they know I haven’t been eating and she also found my stash of diet pills ! I have to hide them better and tell her I threw them away! I want to be sexy and thin when Pete gets out!

The Xanax I’ve been taking have been sort of helping but not, it’s hard to explain. I’m dispensed four every two days, it helps me relax and cheers me up a bit but when they wear off, oh my god! I start to turn into a hysterical mess! Plus I’m so forgetful it’s just ridiculous ! And I’m starting to find I need “more” then just one at a time for the same effect… So I’m going to try and make it through the day without them and just have two at night or… Be dodgy and go to a different doctor and get Valium too . What do you think I should do people ? Because the current doctor I’m getting them off now won’t raise my dose, I’m lucky he even prescribed them to me in the first place!

Anyway, I’ve written enough and I’m getting tired. Please someone comment, I’m lonely and really need support more then ever !