September 5, 2019

  • Story Coming Along Nicely

    Still at it!

    For anyone that still even reads my blog lol and would like to have a little read you can find it here:

    https://www.inkitt.com/stories/action/356637

    And here:

    https://archiveofourown.org/works/19095457/chapters/45368200

    On Inkitt I actually have a few followers now! I feel a little obligation now to keep updating which is a real sense of motivation! I can't believe finally after all this time I'm actually doing it!!

May 21, 2019

  • Finally Starting to Write Again!

    With a tonne of thanks to my sister I have started (very slowly) started to write again.

    I actually feel a little ‘proud’ of myself! Lol! I’ll post the very lityle I’ve written. Marnah has been helping me edit it, helping me ‘a lot’ lol.

    She’s gotten SO GOOD at writing I’m actually a little jealous! You see I’m 32 and am stuck at a 15 to 16 year olds grammer capabilities which is when I stopped writing!

    Marnah doesn’t just have a way better sophisticated style of writing to me but also has a way better capability in understanding grammer and also understands a lot of “Author Lingo” that she’s teaching me.

    God… Back in school I was so proud of my writing talents. The teacher would read my writing in front of the class and everyone would clap! They were impressed! I wasn’t very popular or particularly good at much but I knew I had a little “flare” with writing. I wanted to be an author ever since I was 8 and thought I was the ‘best”! Lol

    Then of cause “life” happened and chsnged every little “dream” I ever had. I just want to publish “One” little book before my Gran dies, I promised her. I will do it, plus publishing something mrans I “achieved” a tiny little “Something” and will forever have my name attsched to it. Even if it is a tiny book no one will read, my name will be immortalized. That to me is a pretty big deal to a “junkie”.

    Here is the Doc link to my story.

    Just know it’s still very much a ” Work in Progress ” lol

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/168s4OXXM7YTTBD9-Y5ILQ-8TMe3RkNkMFyx14fqdjwM/edit?usp=drivesdk

April 7, 2019

  • When?

    There are so many "when" questions I have... So many... And all of them make me sad...
    When will I finally be drug free? When will I write a book? When will I if ever become a mother? When will I forgive my father for abandoning me when I needed him most? When will Peter propose so I can finally wear the utterly beautiful diamond ring he got me now six months ago and still tucked away in a cupboard?
    So many...
    Onto other depressingly topics... Being diagnosed with Grave's Disease I have gained a bit of wight! Fucking ironic huh? Once being Anorexic weighing as little as 37kgs... I now due to my Thyroid being completely fucking demented weigh an wopping 80kgs+! I've "never" been this heavy! And it sucks ALL the balls in the world!! And I'm not just fat but I'm also flabby like a bowl of fatty jelly! GOD I could cry from the utter frustration of it! You see the Grave's at "first" about the start of February three or so weeks before I knew I had Grave's Disease. I quite pleasantly was surprised to find I had lost a bit of weight! I found that my jeans were getting pretty loose! I had actually thought I had gained weight! Thinking I had sadly finally tipped over the dreaded 70kgs zone that I had demanded myself never to exceed! I actually weighed 67kgs! I had gone from having an eating disorder at the start of my relationship with Peter (god back in September 2008!) weighing no more than 54kgs to about 65kgs gradually over the first 6 months of our relationship becoming not just physically healthy with the return of my period which I had gone pretty much without for almost 4 straight years! But also became somewhat healthy "mentally"... Peter's love... His love felt " real" and is still "real"...
    The men I had been with since Ryan which he no doubt played an significant role in me developing an Eating disorder or at least didn't lift a single finger in giving an fucks whatsoever as I slowly and quite obviously was developing one right in front of him! Even going as far as wasting away right in front of him! Not eating for a month is pretty damn obvious! But instead of caring when I am finally hospitalized and nearly dying weighing as much as a 6 year old.... He instead breaks up with me over an email... And on my 20th birthday.... Which I spent in hospital alone... Well besides a preist that randomly popped in to give me a birthday card! God... I remember suddenly stopping the priest before he left and awkwardly asking him if he'd mind reading me my " last rites"... You know, what they read to people that are dying... And even though I hadn't be baptized he looked at me for a little, sat at my side and nodded...
    He made a cross on my forehead, said things about archangels and the lord... I can't remember really. I could hardly make out much anyway as I was pretty weak. In the end the only thing that saved me really was one person... Later that night about half an hour before visiting hours had ended my best friend from high school which I hadn't seen for over a year (due to my eating disorder secluding myself) suddenly popped her head in.... Oh Caitlyn... My Angel, Caitlyn.
    I didn't even know she was there for the first 10 or so minutes she was there, sitting in a chair besides me. I was so busy with the simple act of "laying in wait for Death himself" to give me a visit instead. When I did finally notice I first thought I was hallucinating! As I did a lot due to both being so deathly ill and the seroqil I was on. But then knew she was real when she softly wrapped her warm hand around my cold, skeletal fingers. I would've jumped if I had the energy.
    She didn't say "hello" just smiled sadly and began to weep... I didn't understand why though, I asked her what made her so upset almost protective like I did in school. I'd always stick up for her and beat down hard on anyone stupid enough to cause her "any" form of pain or discomfort! Not knowing that it was "me" that was causing her her pain and tears...
    She and I'll never forget this... She blurts out tears and snot flowing while shoving her face into my hand she held "I don't want you to die!"
    Those 6 words... Just those 6 saved my life... And she was the "only" person to utter them or anything like it.... Everyone else either avoided the possibility of me dying or would complain about how painful it was for "them" to see me "this way" not considering that maybe it was a "little" painful for me too...
    But this person... This Angel had simply said while barring her soul that she didn't want me to die... And said it while holding my hand as though holding on to the little life I had left and letting go meant losing that little life I had left... And she didn't say it from a place of pity or sadnesses alone but a place of pure love that with each tear she cried showed a crack in which my pain before her was breaking it into splinters.
    The plain as day knowledge that at least "one" person cared at all made me care enough to "fight". Before she stepped in I was 100% certain no one cared anymore... It was my birthday and Ryan the man I had loved for 4 years which from the age of 16 to 20 is quite long had not only ignored me completely while sick but cruelly broke up with me on the same day, my Dad which had promised me as a child to " always" no matter what be there for me (promised after a certain traumatic period which is a story for another entry) had decided instead of visiting me got blind drunk! He didn't even call... I instead thinking he was just late to my visit had called him to check when he'd arrive! I asked when he'd be here and he just replied "I can't drive! I've had a bit to drink!" So desperate to see my Dad's face... I asked if he could get a cab? In which I heard Wendy's parrot like fucking voice yelling "I can't handle it anymore! It's too painful!" I got angry yelling "Too painful!? For you!? What about me!? Do you care Dad!?" Then he said the most painful thing I've ever heard... Last being "I shoukd disown you!"... Yeah more painful..... He said softly " I think sometimes it would be better if you'd just die... At least then I could stop worrying and I'd then know it was over and could finally start to grieve"... He hung up. I still try to forgive that putting it to him being drunk.... Lastly my Oma wasn't there either and I don't know why as she ignored my phone calls.... Marnah my sister did call though, she couldn't go as she had the flu and was too ill. She never really spoke much as at this time sort of resented me for having an eating disorder as it was the only thing everyone spoke about thus making any of her problems mean little to nothing and felt even mentioning anything seemed petty in comparison...
    But Caitlyn knowing I was ill for a while had visited me the most times while I was in the Austin mental hospital.... Hadn't seen me for a while and only that day had been told of my condition through trying to call me at home. But seeing only Ryan was there to answer she wandered were I was. Ryan of cause told her I was sent back to the mental hospital which was a lie or maybe he didn't care enough to understand I was more far gone physically then mentally and in need of urgent medical care.... So she contacted the psychiatric ward which informed her of my condition and forwarded her to the main hospital which.... Due to my extreme condition and lack of any family attendance actually asked "her" first if she'd visit me as I might not have much longer to live and had mentioned that I was mumbling about "Dying alone as I had always been" which made the nurse almost cry whike talking to Caitlyn.
    Caitlyn... Had sped all the way in her car thinking I'd die at any moment. And by my side she stayed.... Even after visiting hours, tge nurse came in and before the nurse even opened her mouth Caitlyn demanded she stayed. The nurse was never going to kick her out, instead she rolled a small cot in for Caitlyn to sleep in and told her she was welcome to stay as long as she could so long as she allowed me to rest. Having a private room made it easy.
    Anyway... I've written enough.... I'll finish another time.

October 24, 2018

  • Met a Friend Today

    Met an old high school friend today! Krystal... Man, became friends with her a year a so before I even started this blog! Well the xanga one I had which I copy and paste to. It was weird seeing her, major flash backs! She moved just 5 mins from me and has already invited me over to meet her 8 year old son! God... If only she knew who I've become and everything I've done and gone through! Would she even talk to me again? What do I say if she sees the inside of my left arm, covered in self inflicted scars or sees the inside of my right elbow... 10 years worth of herpin addicted track mark... Fuck...
    I'll be straight with her if she asks... I'm scared it'll be like Sarah, great friends we were, through thick and thin... Until she became pregnant. A child can seriously decide whether even a close friend will remain your friend. Which I completely understand of cause... I'm just a little nervous. The 15 year old me is not the same as the 31 year old me... And the 15 year old me would be ashamed.

August 16, 2018

  • Long time no change

    Well Pete and I have after a long time learned to use only once a month! Pretty happy with that! And also very slowly we are going down on our Methadone again.
     
    Meanwhile I still haven't been able to fall pregnant! But my youngest sister (same dad different mum) just gave birth two days ago to a boy! Named him Giovanni!
    I do feel happy for her but at the same time I feel short changed, frustrated and painfully jealous of my sister Bonnie... I'm going to be 32 in eight months...
    Pete told me if we have no luck by then, he'll go get his sperm checked and then if all clear! We'll have enough money for a round of IVF!
    Here is some pictures of Giovanni
    FB_IMG_1534374216791

July 7, 2018

  • Baaack.,,.....

    But of cause I haven't become an Author! And suprise.... Never fell pregnant either... I'm 31 now... Pete and I a few months back nearly kicked Methadone but I guess Pete has different 'ideas'... We didn't use for 3 months straight...got from 40ml of Methadone to 20mg! 20!! Then HE decides "Well we've been good for a few months... I'll just get it.... Which of cause I have it then too.... It's almost pointless,we're good for a few months then bang! He's scoring Ice along with Heroin. Which remindme! I've been following my cycles pretty close for the last 3 or so years and finally I know that I ovulate cycle day 10 to 13 and I only ovulate for 12 hours! For a while I kinda would let him know " Sex time! Cmon!" But then one day he cracked it! And just flatly said "I don't want a baby! They are relationship killers!" Yeah and I told him nevet having kids is also a relationship killer...   So instead whenever ovulated I would tell him ,"well I'm ovulating! If ya wanna have sex!!" But... He hasn't given mesex on those days! I'm scared, he knows how deeply I want to have a family.... I've wanted one since back when I was dating Ryan! If he hasn't started to seriously want to quite, have kids and fucking propose by the time I turn 32.... I think that's it, it's never happening.   I probably won't ever leave Pete, like we've been together for 10 years this September 9th.....

March 13, 2014

  • Last Update

    I think this post will be my last update… For a while anyway and I know it basically takes a while between each now update now but when I mean a “while” I actually mean there is a chance that this could very possibly be my “last” update.

    Well it’s about 5am and Pete and I have gotten back from the city, Pete bought himself two new Xbox games! Dark Souls two on Xbox360 which for anyone that doesn’t know about Dark Souls, it’s probably one of THE hardest fucking games in the world! But it’s hard in an extremely satisfyingly addictive way! And the other game Pete got is the new Titanfall on the Xbox One, it’s kind of like Halo meets Call of Duty ha-ha! Which he is playing now and is extremely happy, love seeing him so happyJ.

    Oh! I have for a while now been saying that I’ve wanted to write and publish a story and possibly a Post Apocalypse story but had no idea on how to start the damn thing! Well… Writer’s block can go fuck it’s self because I have finally come up with an introduction to my story and yes it’s going to be based in a Post Apocalypse world, I’m so excited and can’t wait to begin! I think when or if I do update again… It’ll be when I have finally become a real Author and have published my book!

    Lastly, few months ago… Well I think it was a few months ago I had after almost eleven years found and got back in contact with “Angie!” For anyone that doesn’t know or has forgotten who Angie is, she was a very close and dear friend I had over Xanga. We never met each other and only ever spoke over Xanga, at the time we were both going through and feeling a lot of the same things but sadly after I had to go to the psychiatric hospital I sort of fell out of contact with her for a few reasons. At first I started to feel she was pushing me away in some sense or due to being in the hospital for long and being unable to speak with her for over two months felt she had I guess “moved on. Which later I found was untrue! But for the longest time I was just simply without internet access and then when I was able to update my Xanga again Angie’s Xanga was gone. So anyway I found her again on Facebook! At first I was over the moon that I had amazingly found my long lost friend! But not only had I changed a lot but so had she and even though I was overwhelmed with happiness to finally be able to talk to her again… Angie was notL. At first she was extremely upset with me for breaking contact with her, even making her think that I died! I had deeply hurt her feelings though of cause I didn’t mean to. I then went on to explain the type of eleven years I had lived before our broken contact and was replied with similar pain. Slowly I started to realize nearly everything I was saying to her with either twisted around to make me sound like I was attacking her in some way, offending or insulting which of cause I never intended any of them. Sadly I have now deleted her from my friends list and have even blocked her… I really tried hard to mend our friendship that bluntly I had been blamed for destroying… I really don’t need people like that anymore… And really all she reminded me of was Sarah and much she hurt me.

    And if Angie is reading this… “I’m sorry but you aren’t the only person that doesn’t live a joy filled perfect fucking life, suffers every day, has gone through utter hell and survived and have had friends hurt you. I never EVER wanted to hurt you… I CARED for you dearly! And all I feel is that you have thrown that all away due to some misunderstanding that you don’t want to hear the reason to anyway. So please, really… Be happy, healthy and have a good life… I’m sorry I ever found you again.

     

    P.S Even though it says that this might be my last update, it will be only for this Xanga. I will be updating my other blog here: http://mekahmenke.wordpress.com/
    I did even think about closing my Xanga site down at one point but couldn’t make myself do it as I have now had it for so long and feel deleting it would be a great shame. So for anyone interested in future updates or doesn’t want to wait for any updates here (if any) go to the link.

     

February 7, 2014

  • Life Never Get Easier

    Well, I’m not even sure why I’m updating…. Have pretty much NOTHING to write about…. Yeah my life is pretty fucking sad and boring… Only thing I can really report on with a bit of a shock is that at least the last 4 or 5 updates I’ve done where written WHILE I was absolutely out of my fucking mind on Ice…. Disgusting drug, fucking hate it but Pete really likes it and well… It’s there, yup that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it! So if any of you have wondered why my last couple of post have seemed a little “strange” well that’s why! And guess what…. YUUUP! I’m on it right now! Well actually I’m crashing down now and fucking HARD too…. Feels awful!

    Also Pete’s Mum has pretty much moved her now, only spending two days out of the whole week back at Vermont… It’s starting to really fucking piss me off… She’s always in a bad mood and takes it out on me and her dog Snowy is so damn annoying and just utterly dumb as a brick! And boy does he have the highest pitched bark! Drives me mad!!! And then she is always asking for fuckng money (I know, just cause I use drugs doesn’t mean I’m not going to give her rent/bill money) it’s the fact that both Pete and My Centrelink payments are set up to pay a certain amount of money to the bills and rent of this house! Why don’t we just pay Pete’s Mum you ask? Well we did do that at first…. Every week we’d give her between $200 and $150 but the same day we would pay her she would go out and buy a shit tonne of food FOR US! Now I know she means well but it gets really fucking frustrating when later on in the week we’re yelled at (mostly me as I don’t scream back at her for fear of being kicked out) Because She doesn’t have enough to pay the bills and shit…. Sometimes man I think she’s getting dumber and dumber in her old age… She thinks with absolutely NO logic and spends all her money on useless SHIT… She has already spent her entire retirement payment….

    So in the long run you know what this all means for Pete and me? You see Pete knows that if we were both to finally move out to live in our own place that his Mum would be fucked and would end up having to sell the Rosebud house which she bought with her own money during a time when her husband had total control of her money…. She loves this house very much but once the little money she has left runs out all she’ll have left is a tiny $280 a fortnight of Centrelink payments…. You see she gets hardly anything due to her having a Husband with  A LOT of assets but there’s just a little bit of a problem there…. Pete’s Dad is an ASSHOLE!! He has roughly half a mill worth of stocks that pretty much looks like he will NEVER spend and actually won’t to be buried with it…. He won’t help his wife AT ALL if anything he bluntly blames her. Now she also has two other children besides Pete which are both rather well off…. But they are both even MORE cruel then the husband! And why? Because for some unknown reason they both HATE Pete, their own flesh and blood and would wont nothing more than for him to suffer and probably die too L.  And Because she won’t kick Pete out making him homeless they are both literally “enrage” with her and treats her (their own fucking MOTHER) with the most disgusting disrespect I’ve EVER seen…. Which actually is most like another reason why she enjoys being here so much. Pete and I are the only ones that will help her and we both get a tiny fraction of what Pete’s sister and brother get but in return we are both yelled at by her…. So I’m really afraid we’re going to be stuck here until she passes which of cause I hope isn’t soon! But will actually probably be at least another 15 years or so…. Pete and I can’t have a child here as there is hardly enough room just for us…. And I’m going to be 27 this year… I’m pretty sure if I don’t fall pregnant by the time I hit 30 I’m sadly never going to…. I’m getting older and Pete knows I’ve wanted a child for the last 5 years now! But… I don’t think he wants to have children with me L… He said something last night that cut me real deep and I think pretty much made it VERY clear of what he really wants…. You see I’ve been using ovulation tests so you know, so we do it at the best time :P … Anyway I’ve been doing this with Pete knowing for at least the last year now! And as usual I came prancing out of the bathroom with a positive test while sporting a “You want some loving?” Look on my face lol…. And OF CAUSE only after we fuck and also after a whole FUCKING YEAR of me letting him know I was ready and actually taking steps to have a child does he decide to go for the jugular… I first asked him if he thought I’d look good with a big pregnant belly, I don’t usually ask weird baby stuff like that but at that time I was feeling rather “good” lol…. And Pete just bluntly says back, “I’m sorry but if you fell pregnant I’d make you get an abortion…. I’m just not ready, were both on dome and still use and quite frankly there’s no fucking way that I’m going to do a 9 to 5 job every fucking day.” I tried to reassure him that the moment we got pregnant that everything would change, that WE would change! I would quit everything and would seriously not find it that hard to do… Which Pete just shakes his head and calls me an idiot…. But I’m serious, I literally can’t find a good enough reason to motivate me to quit…. But a child would %100 motivate me…. So I’m actually really scared… What if I do fall pregnant soon? Do I tell him and risk having to kill my own child that I’ve soooo desperately wanted for the last 8 years? Or once finding out do I say nothing and run away one night while he sleeps? But I love Pete…. I don’t want to leave him L and I’ll be leaving Jedi! I know Jedi is just a dog but my god I love that dog as if he was my first born child… The position Pete has put me in is so unfair and just cruel….But it has made me realising that he just isn’t daddy material…. L…. Which is why I’m doomed to never know what it’s like to get a positive pregnancy test, to never surprise my Oma and Dad with the news, to never feel that first kick, to never feel the instant loving bond of when you first get to hold your baby…. And just so so much more…. Sadly Ever since I turned 20 deep down I kind of knew I’d never know what it’s like to be a mother…. But I hope Pete at least realises that if that day of him forcing me to kill our baby ever comes round…. That will %100 be the last day I spend with him…. I most likely won’t move on to “try” to have a family with someone else…. Most likely I won’t even form another deep and serious relationship…. Not because I can’t but because I honestly wouldn’t wont to!

     

    Anyway… I know weird spot to finish but I’m starting to feel really awful… Got to go.

January 9, 2014

  • To Anyone That Still Reads My Uodates...

    Please leave me some kind of comment… I am just curious as to if anyone really reads my update anymore. I know I have lost pretty much 90% of my Xanga friends when stupid 2.0 took place. If no one IS reading my updates I do not really mind, I guess I will still update every now and again… Not that I update that much and when I do they are boring!

    My sister called a few days ago telling me about the awful time she had when visiting my Dad and sadly his STILL girlfriend Wendy, I swear that woman has chopped off my Dad’s balls and buried them someone near the centre of the fucking earth! That shit she says and puts him through is beyond pathetic on her part and my Dad just takes it! He just without question put is up with it… I guess that’s ‘there’ kind of love?

    When Marnah arrived and as a nice gesture she had brought along some spirits even though to no one’s surprise when she had arrived both Wendy and my Dad were already drunk! After about 15 minutes, Wendy being right on queue just HAD to ‘start’! First, she continuously started to push Marnah into having a couple of shots with her but Marnah politely refused not wanting to drink as the night before she already drank quite a bit! However, Wendy with her horrid ‘parrot voice’ kept pushing Marnah which was now annoying her. Suddenly Oma called which most likely brought Marnah a much needed sigh of relief but of cause not for long! My Oma called asking if Marnah had taken the Panadol, which my sister uses for the pain in her knee, which was the result of her slipping and dislocating it. My Oma has suffered intense back pain for longer than I have been alive! Thankfully, our family doctor has been prescribing OxyContin to my Oma making it much easier to sleep. Sometimes, Oma likes to take a break from being so jadedly numb! So instead, she simply likes to take a few less comatose inducing Panadol! My Oma was fine with Marnah having them and then lastly before hanging up just checked when Marnah would be home, my sister answered and then hung up. Then of cause, as usual not being able to mind her own business Wendy bluntly asks Marnah why my Oma does not have her ‘own’ Panadol? Marnah replied that she ‘shares’ and that is what family does. Wendy earlier due to Marnah not wanting to drink with Wendy had taken her half price travel card that she was going to lend Marnah back from her! The card makes it so you only have to pay half on a cab fare… Well anyways, Marnah’s little reply about sharing got Wendy all riled up and thus told Marnah that my Oma was a ‘scavenger’… My Oma is one of… Actually no, my Oma is THE strongest woman I have ‘ever’ known and probably will ‘ever’ know! She put up with my grandad (which passed away a few months ago due to kidney cancer, save your pity though as he was an EVIL human being) which back when my Dad was just 14 and my uncles were a few years younger was a very angry and violent drunk!

    I’ll finish later, suddenly I don’t feel that well L

    P.S I have also gone about "Following" a lot of random Xanga’s! Therefore, if I have added you and you do not really want me on your Xanga list then feel free to remove me. I have been constantly adding more people due to losing 90% of all my Xanga contacts, so there you have it.

January 3, 2014

  • So Another Year Has Passed!

    Moreover, how fast did it fly by huh?  In addition, just like the year before I accomplished fuck all! GO ME!

    Not… Still have not fallen pregnant L but that is probably a good thing seeing I still have yet to get off my methadone! I really think I cannot actually have a child but Pete and I have rather slowed down quite a bit with our “love” making so doesn’t  help much either!

    After 5 years of trying, the ‘trying’ part has started to cry out for ‘help’… I need someone with a mind filled with tonnes of sexually explosive ideas and how to again feel ‘confident’ enough to be the one that makes that ‘first move’ which I only ever do once in a blue moon which poor Pete has complained about and is starting to think that I don’t find him sexually attractive… Which of cause I disagreed with!

    You see most of the time the chances of me either making the first ‘move’ or being in the ‘mood’ all deeply depends on my mood… Most days my mood is rather ‘flat’, even if it is a nice day I will not really be too happy… But my overall mood and current energy due to wanting to go for swims along the beach would increase if I felt that I looked ‘sexually attractive but I’m obviously not 50-55kgs, I really weigh 70kgs…..I feel like I’m the biggest, fattest, most unattractive young female in the entire world.

     I always having yearly summer self-disappointment due to exercising heaps, eating small amounts and not losing weight….I then stormed out “fuck it I’ll just do meth, I’ll be definitely 50kgs by this time next year. I HATE summer now, even though I live literally 5minute walk from the beach I will not go due to feeling so fat and ugly L. I want to weigh about 50-55kgs THEN I will be happy, Pete also wants me to not so much lose weight exactly but to tone up my butt and thighs, they are very, very flabby and covered in cellulite! However, that is my fault for pretty much spending 80% of the last 4 years in bed doing nothing…

    So let us talk about my Christmas, well I hope yours was better than mine was! After 3 months of no heroin Pete and I due to the fairly ‘deep’ and painful ‘wounds’ that both our families had laid upon us that Christmas Day. Pete’s wounds were a result of his rather unable and plainly unwillingly to ‘forgive’ Pete for his drug use which never affect him and instead of trying to be a supportive brother/family member (we will call his brother P) instead actual physical violence is used ‘towards’ Pete. And to add a greater sense of ‘inner family isolation’, feeling emotionally struck with the obviously one sided support both his Mum and Dad gave to P, which they %100 gave to P while either ignoring Pete’s struggles, improvements, accomplishments and even tearing Pete’s much desired dreams which may or may not have resulted in Pete having a very ‘different’, self-accomplished, drug free and a sense of ‘life worthiness’ apart due to 1. You thought computer games would go nowhere and two. The family house at the time had TWO working computers, Pete needed ONE in order to do his much needed ‘TAFE Game Design homework’ but for some retarded reason P needed ‘BOTH?’ computers? And what is that? Because P was studying for his UNI Exam P’s needs were more ‘important’ then P’s little pointlessly worthless ‘game’ crap… The fact that Pete actually ‘quite’ Heroin in order to go to TAFE so he could build some kind of self-worthy life and hopefully would make both his parents proud! Pete politely asked P if he could for an hour be able to use one of his computers. But sadly unsurprisingly P expectedly and bluntly said “No, I need ‘both’” Pete starting to feel frustrated he asked again politely when the soonest P would be finished with either PC… But to my unsurprised self, P angrily and without a reason snapped, “I’ll be finished when I’m finished!”

    So Pete feeling frustrated and believed that at least his Mum would be able to see that P was just being a spiteful brat because he found something he could ‘control’ and emotionally pinch at like some fun game! After desperately asking his Mum to help and side with his small but deeply important steps he was trying to utterly hard to take but was cruelly being pulled away from his happiness filled life path! Pete didn’t realise how important this course would be and even less so from his Mum, greatly his Dad and his brother that due to unknown reason seemed to have an at ‘times’ excessive urge to either ‘destroy’ any hope of happiness or sap any remaining ‘worth, joy and the will/drive / self-worth or ‘dreams desire’ and the self-acceptance to push one’s self until ‘dream’ is but a reality. Sometimes while Pete would quietly be sitting/watching TV in his room above the kitchen were P would complain loudly to his dad about how Pete should be kicked out, put an intervention order on him so he’d forever be unable to return home… P would even state out loud with obvious intent for Pete to hear that P hoped, wished and even ‘preyed’ that Pete would just DIE”
    Sadly, slowly over time and largely due to the day Pete pleaded to borrow one of two computers just so he could do his “Very and seriously into” He did however due to not being able access when needed Pete had to sadly drop out… Sometimes I urge him to join again even though he is turning 33…not too old right and then slowly over time his ‘chance’ had slipped away… My ‘chance’ however, I strongly believe I’ll have for as long as I can still put together a well thought out sentence! I have seriously decided to write an autobiography on ‘myself’ lol! Lame I know and some people may ask, “Why you? What makes your life so damn worthy of turning into a book?” Well honestly I just want to make a mark and I doubt the publishing of my first book (whenever that’ll be!) will make any substantial size mark but I don’t care really, I wouldn’t mind even if not one single person bought my book… It still would have left a tiny little mark in the world where say 150 yrs. after I pass away in my sleep, while Jedi curling up on my lap and also Pete also passing in his sleep while lying beside me holding my hand… I KNOW Jedi will be like 300in dog years by then by I’m being overly optimistic about the length of Jedi’s life… I wish dogs lived at LEAST 50years.  Why the hell not huh?

    You know people… I’m actually ‘really’ starting to worry whether Pete and I will be gifted a baby soon enough... I’m turning 27 this year… Funny how way back in my early posts that I was SO adamant that I was going to be both married with children by the time I turned 25 lol… Still waiting! Not sure if Pete will EVER ask me, actually I’m not even fully sure if he even WANTS to get married! I hope he does…  Because well I think, it’s too late to move on with a hop filedled heart. Two years ago I kept always telling myself that if either Pete hasn’t proposed or I haven’t fallen pregnant that I would totally break up and hopefully and rather quickly meet someone which with the luck needed to win Powerball I will undoubtedly find the perfect guy that will want to marry within 2 months and can make me fall pregnant by just simple pointing at me… Yes! LOL!

    I can’t leave Pete! We’ve been together pretty much 6 years… We’re going to either get married and pop out a few copies of ourselves or we’re just going to grow old together I guess! I’ll just go on to continually raise puppy Havanese and treat them/love them as if they are my human babies… It’s what I pretty much do with Jedi anyways.

    I guess hell ask when he asks… I hope he’ll ask while I remain with my very few 20s years…. Kind of hoping to become a first time mu by LATEST 2016 when I’ll be 29… God the day I turn 30 it’s going to be a little scary and a lot sad… Maybe I’ll be lucky and age really well, I do hardly ever suntan!

    Well hope enjoyed my probably pretty boring post!