As usual, it has been a while since my last update, sorry! I do not really have much to type about my life except the same, 'I'm still addicted to opiates'.
Putting that aside, sadly I'm 'still' trying to fall pregnant and just as depressing I still weight 65kgs!Maybe even more but I don’t dare weigh myself nowadays, still trying to write my book, I’m still with Peter and have been for almost 5 and a half years now and of cause we still live together!
However, the reason I am updating I guess is because there is news I guess, it is not much mind you but it is something! I have made a start on my autobiography! Whoever still reads my updates will be able to read it at the bottom of this update!
Jedi had his 1st birthday last Monday! The day was awesome except for one thing… We decided for his birthday to take him for two walks, first walk was at his usual spot the Dog Park which went all fine and then when went to the beach! Since the holidays, we stopped taking Jedi there as so many people come up and these stupid park rangers hang around and can fine people for not keeping their dogs on a stupid leash! Jedi is a good boy; we let him off his lead as he always remains around us at all times!
Nevertheless, as if from nowhere, the Ranger suddenly appears and of cause gives us both a useless ‘lecture’.
Until today, we have only taken Jedi for walks at the Dog Park but today was a special day! Today was Jedi’s 1st birthday! Therefore, as a type of gift we decided to take him to the beach for a second walk! As we knew, Jedi just loved running along the water while kicking up wet sand as he runs! We didn’t want poor Jedi to have to be on a lead so instead we took Jedi’s lead off but kept ‘away’ from everyone, which at first actually started to work!
Jedi being curious decided it was a good idea ‘sniff’ around… He happily sniffed this couples feet while innocently unaware Jedi jolted past a couple that was without a single ‘care’ in the world! Uncaring the couple continued to dry hump the heck out of each other lol!
Feeling slightly embarrassed both Pete and I looked away from the ‘frisky’ couple and continued on our way.
Then the trouble started when we decided to take the boardwalk back, everything was going 100% ok! We simply just wanted the last 50 meters to our car to be just ‘empty’ boardwalk, easy and simple!
Sadly with hardly 15 meters remaining, Jedi’s birthday walk was about to be ruined!
At first, I could see a large man trying to pull his dog to his side of the boardwalk. I started to worry as to why he was pulling his dog to one side. At this point I should’ve put a lead on Jedi but knowing Jedi will only want to have a quick ‘hello sniff’ and that’s all I didn’t worry about it… Therefore, as we get closer I pretty much expected the person quickly hurry himself and his little fluffy dog along and past us! However, no… Jedi stood clear of both the man and his dog. With equal amounts of space between Jedi, the outer edge of the boardwalk and of cause room enough for both the man and fluffy rat dog to walk by with easily room to spare.
But, for unknown, stupid fucking reason, that stupid, ugly, little rat dog felt an unexplainable URGE to just out of nowhere, lung face first at Jedi making him cry loudly as it gave Jedi a rather large nip! Jedi also fell back as he was insanely nipped at making Jedi fall off the Boardwalk and into a prickle bush!
Naturally taking on the ‘mother’ roll for Jedi I have also formed a protectively intense while also feather like maternal strokes of the skin! But what I feel ‘most’ is the unending ‘burn’ brought on by intense hate filled anger… Blood soaked RAGE began to pour into my bones!
Suddenly I start to ‘YELL’ at this fat horrid excuse for a man, telling him to keep his ugly mutt of a dog away from my baby Jedi that or to put a muzzle over his rate like dog’s face! The man just angrily replied that I had a “Big mouth” and that I do not know when to shut up and something along the lines of him beating Pete… Which was possible as Pete stood the same height but probably less than half his fat whale sized weight!
Slowly I place Jedi down behind me as being unable to fight I am quickly filled with such a murderous RAGE! Filled so totally I cannot help but share my pain inducing rage with that fat sorry excuse for a human being! growth in emotion as I could feel a gradual ‘build’ of protective a rather intense and very quick gradual ‘build’ of immense “RAGEFILLED” and a fuckload of it built up inside of me… I was not going to say anything but had this “murderous” look on my face that in turn made the person say to us, “You should’ve had your dog on a lead.” In which case made my RAGE fucking explode like an atomic bomb! I shouted at him, “Well you should have a muzzle on that fucking MUTT!” I really didn’t care how big the guy was, his fluffy mutt bit my baby and as everyone should know, you never come between a baby and it’s mother and this fuck was certainly in-between me and my baby… Bluntly, I wanted to chew his fucking heart out! He then replied while pointing at Pete, “Fuck you” Points to me, “And fuck you!”
Pete then stood between me and the man to protect me just in case he decided to come at me which I really don’t thing he would of but he certainly wanted to have a piece of Pete! He was pointing and yelling in Pete’s face, as to what he was yelling I could not remember, as I was far too angry and near tears. I had quickly picked Jedi up and walked about 6 meters away from the man and his ugly mutt. I could feel Jedi shaking in fear but also growling at the large man that Pete argued with. I didn’t dare put Jedi down as I knew though Jedi to be scared he would also be brave enough to defend his Daddy by attacking the large man that threatened his Dad! I knew this would either result in the mutt again attacking Jedi or the man kicking and hurting Jedi or most likely both! The man then pointed at me calling me names, my big mouth, too angry and me to know when to shut up yelled back at him that he was a “hero”. He then yelled that I had a big mouth and did not know when to shut up while also adding that he was going to kick Pete’s head in. Knowing a fight was about to break out and knowing Pete would most likely “lose” I quickly swallowed my hatred, my immense hatred and apologized. This calmed the man down and he began to walk away and so did Pete and I. As we walked away I continued to growl about how stupid the man was with what happened, “He could’ve warned us!”, “He LET that mutt attack Jedi!”, “Even if Jedi was on a lead that damn mutt would’ve still attacked him!”
Finally got to the car, Pete looked over Jedi for wounds, though he couldn’t find any, I continued to look him over like I had become an overly worried mother!
When we got home I quickly stood in the bathroom were I uncontrollably cried my eyes out! Was all due to feeling extreme levels of intense emotional anger. I could not believe what had just happened to my poor little baby! It took me until just yesterday to finally get over being angry about what happened that day! Whilst crying in the bathroom Pete wrapped his arms around me and assured Jedi was fine which did calm me down. My big mouth and anger almost got Pete beat up! However, because of that incident, we will never take Jedi for a walk along that beach ever again and I swear if I ever see that man and his mutt again I will literally KILL him with my look of death lol!
However, other than that part, the day went rather smoothly and Jedi at the end of it acted as though nothing happened! I was in fact the only one really affected by it, you see it’s quite hard for me to fall pregnant if at all, we don’t really know yet, so Jedi instead is like, well to “me” he is like my child, my baby. I really do love him “more” then a loved pet, I love him like a mother loves her baby and I would literally “hurt” the person or animal of any kind to “dare” cause any kind of pain or excessive fear to my baby doggie! This may sound a little over the top to some people but it is just hard to explain. This actually sometimes saddens me a little as I know Jedi probably won’t live past 15 and the day that he does go to doggie heaven will be a very, very, VERY dark and mournful day for me and Pete. I would also like to state that Pete loves Jedi just as much as I do and is equally protective of him. Jedi also loves both of us immensely and would most likely “die” while defending us.
Onto a lighter note! In the next few hours, I am finally going to go down to the bank and deposit some money in order to buy an amount of bitcoins! So I can buy something off this site, I’ve been wanting to do this for almost 8 months now but every fortnight when I get paid something “always” comes up and I end up not being able to do it and finally, FINALLY I can and nothing is going to get in my way this time! I cannot really say what it is I am buying and from where as it is not exactly legal, so if you want to know message me and I will tell you.
Well, I think that is it for my update! See, it is not much really but I always tend to end up typing a lot about hardly anything lol. In addition, as I said… Here is the intro to my autobiography
I suddenly wake up due to a loud crash of thunder, the room is pitch-black. Suddenly a flash of lightening lights up my room and for a brief moment I don’t feel so swallowed up by the lingering darkness of my own room but as soon as the light comes it goes and the darkness swallows me up again. I have a fever, my clothes are drenched in sweat making me cold and my throat burns like fire. I start to cough as my head starts to spin, scared I start to cry out for my mother but after what seems like forever I lose patients and crawl to the end of my bed, patting around in the darkness scared I might touch some monster or something might grab me and swallow me up. I reach the ladder to the end of my bunk bed and begin to carefully turn my sore, weak body around. My bare feet ache every time I put my body weight down on them as I softly tread down each step. After a few steps I begin to think that the ladder will never end and I’ll be forever stuck in the darkness on my ladder and start to ponder if I should crawl back up to the safety of my bed! But at last my feet touch the cold wooden floor board. I try to stand up straight but feel dizzy, my head heavy as my body starts to bend with nausea. Another crack of thunder makes me leap and I grab the ladder next to me. The lightening soon after fills the room again and I see the door to my room and try to remember in which direction to walk for when the room goes black again which it surely does. This time I walk as quickly as I can, hoping that when I exit my room there will be light! The quicker I walk the more scared I feel, I feel as though something scary behind me in the darkness is nearing closer to me and by the time I reach the door I can almost feel this ‘thing’ breathing down my neck. I quickly open my door and close it behind me. I’m now in the living room which is dimly lit by the dying embers to the fire place. I try to cry out for my mother once again but I can only manage a painful “croak” and begin to sulk again. I start to take a few steps but suddenly find myself bending down on my knees, vomiting until nothing remains within me and still my body convulses making me violently heave. After a bit I’m able to stand up straight again and now with even more urgency to see my mother I solder on to her bedroom.
Finally I reach her room, slowly and quietly I open the door. The first thing I notice is a large red bucket placed next to the bed about two meters or so from the door, the bed which faced the window was brightly lit by the now full moon outside. On the bucket side of the bed lay my father which was slightly tilted in the direction of the bucket. I took a few steps closer and peered into the bucket to see it nearly filled to the top with vomit. Suddenly I hear a voice whisper my name and I look up to see my mother slightly lifting her head from her pillow. I quickly scurry around the bed and to her warm, comforting embrace which I knew right then would cure me from how deathly I felt. She opened up the blankets, inviting me into bed next to her and without delay I crawled in. I quickly snuggled in and placed my head down, finally safe from the infinite darkness and all that lay within. I then started to hiccup a little and my mum bent me over the side of the bed in which I again and for the last time that night threw up. A comforting numbness came over me and I began to slip into dream.
That is the earliest memory I have and one of only three memories I had of my mother until I turned 22 and decided to go meet her after 20 years of her not being in my life. That night I was badly ill and remained ill for about 6 months. It’s the most detailed out of the three and is the one I mostly think about, part of me I think makes sure I never forget it or made sure up until I met her when I got older just in case I was never to meet her worried it would be all I had left of her. I know my sister was not yet born so I guess I was about 2 years old or even younger, some people say you can’t remember things that far back but I know this memory is real. I even remember waking the next day and looking over the side of the bed to see if my puke was there, I remember seeing a pool of dried up white liquid. So the fact that it was white means I was still drinking milk, how old would that make me? The bucket that was located next to my dad I only figured out until I was about 13 why it was put there, my father drank a lot then, still did when I was 13 and still does at my current age now. He would drink himself into oblivion, not so much now but I do have dark memories of finding him late at night curled up on the lounge floor covered in his own vomit, yelling out that he was cold.
It was this very memory that I thought about the first night I spent homeless when I was about 19 years old and to my luck it was a cold winter’s night. I was fairly sick with anorexia at this stage which was no help with the intense cold of that night
he is still awesome! ^_^ so that was my highlight for the day, had a load of fun too and got a tan! 
When we got home Jedi pretty much fell asleep while I gave him a bath, poor thing was POOPED! Hahaha.
